


in those eyes of sky and ocean blue (cause i couldn't be with you)

by tracingdandelions



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F, Fluffy, Friends to Lovers, Maybe some angst, Not really underage drinking, a sprinkling perhaps, because of fantasy laws, but if you're worried for that, drug mention, here we go folks!!, no ending spoilers ;)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:27:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 62,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23756125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tracingdandelions/pseuds/tracingdandelions
Summary: Hey everyone, I've been making a Beaujester Playlist for the past month or so, and have wanted to make a fic for them, since I've been slacking on writing. So here it is, a big thank you to anyone who reads, and sorry it's quite a bit of character building? Exposition? Idk I've been at this for a long time nowps. Maybe don't expect this length every time I post, this one kind of got away with me as I kept writing...
Relationships: Jester Lavorre & Beauregard Lionett, Jester Lavorre/Beauregard Lionett
Comments: 52
Kudos: 119





	1. i probably should know your name

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone, I've been making a Beaujester Playlist for the past month or so, and have wanted to make a fic for them, since I've been slacking on writing. So here it is, a big thank you to anyone who reads, and sorry it's quite a bit of character building? Exposition? Idk I've been at this for a long time now
> 
> ps. Maybe don't expect this length every time I post, this one kind of got away with me as I kept writing...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Know Your Name - Mary Lambert

It’s around 4 in the afternoon when Beau throws herself on her small twin bed and finally gets to stay still for more than 5 minutes. Orientation was exactly what she had expected it to be, overhyped, too many people too close together, and an overall feeling that absolutely no one wanted to be there. They had been led from one activity to another to try and get them more comfortable with each other and the campus, from scavenger hunts to name games, the day wore on until they were split into groups, handed bubblegum pink shirts, and sent out to various locations for community service.

Now that part wasn’t terrible, she thinks as she manages to get up, her muscles a reminder of the manual labor her group went through. She heads towards the showers, towel in hand. Her and 7 others had been assigned a church that was under renovation. The old furniture needed to be removed so that they could begin repainting, along with some other menial tasks such as sweeping and cleaning. The others in her group had mixed abilities, at least from the once over Beau had given them all. There was a rather scruffy looking guy pulling his red hair back that definitely was not about to be doing any lifting. What looked like a half-orc talking to a tall firbolg with pink hair? Beau had a double take as she realized that not only was the firbolg’s hair pink, but also slightly glowing? She shook her head and continued assessing the others, filing away that information for if she ever ran into them again. The next few were typical college freshman, wide-eyed and ready for the rest of their lives. Beau huffed, just a little envious of their outlook.

Finally, her eyes landed on a strikingly different pair talking by themselves. A purple tiefling stood facing her, his jewelry shimmering in the mosaic light of the main hall, he seemed almost ethereal here, as if he wasn’t quite all on earth. Facing him and intent on the conversation was a woman with godly arms. Beau could think that, she was in church after all. What she would do to be held by them is only between her and the deities above. She didn’t think she was looking that long, but apparently she had been staring, as the tiefling caught her eye and smirked.

“Look all you want, however, it would cost you to touch”, he announced loudly, the woman next to him turning to see who he was addressing, a slight blush tingeing her cheeks. She was even more heavenly face on, while her friend’s jewelry had reflected the light, she seemed to exude it herself. Beau swallowed hard as they locked eyes, one purple, the other a dark blue. She felt her face heating up, and scrambled for a response.

“Sorry, just never seen a face as ugly as yours”

Smooth Beau, real smooth.

He looks taken aback for a second, eyes narrowing, before his face splits with a grin, and a loud laugh escapes his sharp teeth. He looks back at the woman and nudges her.

“I like her!”, he exclaimed, making his way to where Beau had sequestered herself from the others. “The name’s Mollymauk, Mollymauk Tealeaf, but you can call me Molly for short. And this is Yasha”.

She nods as she stops next to him, “Nice to meet you”

Beau widens her stance just a touch, her back straightening to compensate for her height, or lack thereof. She wasn’t used to being called out for her staring, at least not in the way Molly had. The tiefling had a grin on his face, almost expectant of the name she was about to give them. She gives him a look before locking eyes with Yasha again, not flinching as she tells them her own.

“So tell me, Beau,” The name is drawn out, as if he’s testing the edges of it, “are you always this childish with people you’ve just met? Or am I just an exception?”

She laughs, and is surprised to find no menace in it. From the few things he’s said to her, she’s certain she should hate his guts. But the fuel isn’t there. 

“Oh I’m sure you’re an exception in anything you do.”

“You don’t even know the half of it! But would you like to?”

A dark purple eyebrow quirks up and Beau can’t believe how easily he talks. He doesn’t seem to have a care in the world, as if the worst of his life is already behind him. 

“You know what, maybe later”

“I’ll hold you to that then”, he winks at her and turns just as the professor leading their group makes his way over. He designates the three of them to the top floor where couches and chairs that look like they haven’t seen the light of day in ages have begun to turn to dust. Molly and Beau had continued to squabble like siblings as they paired up to bring the furniture down three flights of stairs. Yasha, of course, had no trouble moving the seating herself. She worked quietly, even when the other two dramatically fell on a couch, lamenting the task at hand. During this time Beau continued to sneak peeks of her raw strength, Yasha’s muscles moving in a hypnotic way. Until she felt a hard elbow in her side and a hand thrust into her face.

“That’ll be 5 bucks”, Molly stated, waggling his eyebrows.

“Fuck off”, the grin forming before the words left her mouth.

The hot water hits the back of her neck and she can’t help the sigh that escapes her lips. Maybe she had gone a little too far trying to impress Yasha by carrying a chair all the way down herself, even as her muscles screamed for release. But the look on Molly’s face had been priceless when she managed to set it down on the ground floor without falling over. They quipped back and forth for a bit more on the ride back to campus, and Beau learned that they both lived in her dorm, Yasha a few doors down, and Molly on the floor below. They exchanged numbers and Molly vowed to hunt her down after he did a little investigating on the after dark scene.

She finishes her shower and returns to her single occupant room to shake out her hair and let it air dry. Maybe the next four years here wouldn’t be so bad. Not with someone like Molly to jack around with, and someone like Yasha to admire. She settles down into her comforter, eyes closing before another thought passes through her head.

It’s several hours later when the constant buzzing of her phone and a loud knocking at her door finally wakes her. Bleary eyed she goes for the phone first, and sees 42 missed messages and 9 calls. All from Molly, save for one from Yasha that simply states “we’re here”. She pulls on a pair of shorts and a tank top and heads for the door, throwing her phone back on her bed. She unlocks and opens the door to Molly and Yasha, both changed into relatively normal clothes. Although Molly seems to be sporting a rather gaudy denim jacket dyed maroon with stitching and patches across the back and sleeves.

“Pink wasn’t your color eh?” She jabs, inviting them in and grabbing a hairbrush to contend with the mess she created while asleep.

Molly flops on her bed, “Oh no, it definitely is, along with every other color”

She turns back to find him rummaging through some papers she had left on her desk, Yasha standing awkwardly near the only open corner of her room.

“Hey wait, I don’t remember telling you what room I exactly lived in”

“I don’t think there’s anyone on this floor with a name like yours, Beauregard”, if he had stretched her shortened name before, he languishes in the full word. Savoring each syllable as the realization hits. Shit, she forgot that her RA had made name tags for the whole door, colorful pieces of construction paper decorated with buttons and other small knick knacks.

“Whatever, what brought you here again?”

“We were just wondering if you would like to accompany us to dinner. I couldn’t in good conscience leave you alone to insult someone else, not unless I got to watch.”

“God, you’re such an asshole”

Standing he offers his arm to both Yasha and Beau, that same grin from before splitting his face.

“Guilty as charged”  
The dining hall was starting to clear as they waited through the line, grabbing whatever specials they had for the night. On their way to one of the few open tables, Molly slipped away, leaving Beau and Yasha to take seats across from each other, an awkward silence sprawling before them. Beau turns to her food, the meat and veggies sounded inviting earlier, but with each bite, she regrets the last. She glances at Yasha, who seems content in her own meal.

“Are you really enjoying this?”

She considers her almost empty plate, “I’ve had much worse”, she admits before finishing the rest.

Beau doesn’t have time to question her response before a pair of arms wraps around her shoulders and something hard knocks the back of her head.

“Hey!” She barks as Mollymauk clears the chair next to her, one arm still draped over her shoulder. He leans in close, conspiratorially. 

“So apparently there’s a fresher party tonight, some upperclassmen probably checking out the selection, you wanna come?”

Yasha simply nods as she rises to return her tray. Molly looks expectantly back to Beau, who weighs her options carefully. Stay in her dorm room for the rest of the night endlessly scrolling through social media until she eventually falls asleep at some ungodly hour of the morning, or go to the first party of the semester of her freshman year, and more than probably get toasted and hook up with the first girl she sees. Yeah, maybe the options were weighted a bit unfairly.

She snorts, pushing him off her shoulder as she follows Yasha to the tray return, “Of course I’m coming you weirdo.”

-

“Welcome to Zeta Mu!”

Molly throws his hands out, gold flashing in the street lights as he gives his companions a proper introduction to the party. The three stand outside what looks like an unofficial frat house, poorly painted red greek letters hung on the garage door as the bass thumps somewhere in the sea of bodies and flashing lights. Several people have made their way out of the thrum and are lounging on the porch, smoking.

“You really brought us to a frat house for the first party of the semester?” Beau turns back to him, incredulous but again not all that surprised.

“Why of course, what better way to kick off the start of a new adventure than the classic college experience of fraternity parties”, he leans in again, almost uncomfortably close, and whispers, “Where else would we get our specific kicks?”  
He flashes that toothy grin again, throwing his denim jacket back as if it were much longer than it truly was, and begins walking to the open front door.

Yasha follows, almost oblivious to the sounds around her, and Beau scrambles to keep up. She’d been to college parties before, mostly ones a touch more lowkey, as they were much less likely to get broken up by an angry neighbor and some douche bag officers out to fill their quota. The few people on the porch nod as she passes by, one of them offering her a wink. She straightens her back, feeling a bit steadier just as she crosses the threshold and the bass reverberates through her skeleton. This is her element, well one of them at least. She finds herself moving towards the drinks, Molly shoving a red solo cup into her hand before downing his own. He grins and turns, yelling over the music to find him if she needs anything.

With Yasha nowhere in sight, Beau moves to the nearest vacant seat, a sofa next to a couple that seriously needs to find a room. She can’t blame them though, sometimes you just get caught in the moment. This room seems to be one of the quieter ones, save for the game of beer pong set up on a busted up table. She takes a drink, and winces as the alcohol burns down her throat. What the fuck did Molly put in this?

Taken by the strength and blinking back tears, she misses the short woman approach her until she’s right next to her. Why was everyone sneaking up on her like this? Didn’t matter, people rarely approached her unless they wanted something.

“Uh, can I help you?”

“Oh yeah, name’s Keg, you mind partnering up with me this next round, friend bailed at the last second”. She motions over to the table, only a few cups remaining in the current match.

“You know what, yeah, I will, call me Beau”

Keg’s eyes light up, almost hungrily as she extends her hand. Beau enjoys the strength she feels as she takes it, giving the dwarf another appreciative once over. The two head over just as the self appointed referee declares the victors and begins resetting the table. The first few rounds pass, both sides taking rather heavy hits, though mostly favored by the other team. They’re down to the last few cups, victory in sight for Beau and Keg. Both of whom are rather gone, thanks to the concoctions Molly managed to bring them every so often. When out of the corner of her eye, Beau catches a streak of blue, as a tiefling the same shade slides into the room. Their eyes meet, and the out of breath tiefling shoots her a wild smile, eyes sparkling with chaos. She falters, fingers releasing the ball too early as she tries to catch where the edge of pink fabric disappears. The ball hits the edge of the cup she was aiming for and ricochets off. Keg groans, and Beau is snapped back to the game, the tiefling momentarily forgotten.

They manage to scrape a win back in the next few rounds. Beau caught up in the exhilaration of taking down the two frat bros they had been paired against, when Keg catches her by the collar and pulls her in for a kiss. It’s hard and quick, and Beau’s head is spinning from more than just the alcohol. Keg shoots her a look and whispers to meet her upstairs after the party. Beau can only nod, caught up in the whole scene. Keg winks and saunters over to a beefy looking orc that she proceeds to knock in the shoulder before joining in on the conversation. She’s still staring when another streak of pink catches her attention, and then the same eyes are inches from her own. Purple and mischievous.

Suddenly, a warm hand is grabbing her own as she’s pulled from the ping-pong table towards the staircase and into a bedroom at the top of the stairs. A finger in front of the tielfing’s mouth stops the questions forming on her lips. She’s not opposed to two girls showing interest in one night, although it’s definitely not something she’s all that used to. But before the thought can go further, the other woman pulls out a few sharpies and offers Beau one.

“I thought you looked like you needed a little more fun”, she replies to Beau’s raised eyebrows, “Yanno like drawing dicks on some dick’s bed frame!”

Beau takes a sharpie and a seat next to her, and she flicks her tail happily, turning to draw a rather realistic penis on the wooden frame. Beau uncaps her own sharpie and moves to her own section. The tiefling fills the silence with stories of her and her mom, as the two work on their respective masterpieces.

“Yanno, Mama didn’t really want me coming here, but it was one of the only universities with an actual art program. She taught me everything I know like painting, and drawing, even sculpting! But I got too good and she couldn’t teach me more, so now I’m here!”

Beau nods along,wondering where she was from to have the lilting accent that she did, and occasionally glancing over to catch glimpses of the other’s face. It’s kind, untouched by some of the harsh realities of life and open when she turns to smile at Beau. A lock dark blue hair falling in her face as she returns to her work. Something clenches in Beau’s chest and the thought of tucking the strands back behind her ear briefly passes through her mind before she tamps it down. No, she couldn’t. She barely even knows this girl. She finishes her artistic vision of a penis in a hot dog bun and thanks the strange blue tiefling that pulled her to a random room to vandalize some random dudes bed. She looks a little sad, watching as Beau opens the door, the question escaping her lips.

“Wait, what’s your name?”

The voice pulls her back for just a second.

“Beau”

Before she continues out the door and back to the party.

The next couple of hours pass quickly, the alcohol buzzing through her veins as she moves between rooms, chatting with some people before moving on to the next group. The freedom of inebriation allows her to lower some guards but her mind keeps wandering and she finds herself glancing around the corners, as if the dark blue curls would reappear. That feeling back in the room… She can’t pin it down. Sure she was attracted to her, but her brain kept telling her no, it wasn’t the same. Maybe they could be friends. She grabs another beer, determined to drown out the nagging feeling in the back of her skull when it hits her. She doesn’t even know her name. She should know her name.

Beau stands and almost loses her balance as her vision goes fuzzy. Then she’s on the path towards Molly who has pulled a deck of Tarot cards out of somewhere and is entertaining a probably stoned group. She sits next to him, watching him shuffle the deck for a moment before he finally quirks an eyebrow.

“And how may I help you Beauregard?

“Fuck off” He gives her a look, “I just wanted to see if you knew someone’s name”

“I know many people's names” he replies, nonchalantly placing a spread before the people in front of him, “Care to go on?

“You know what I meant” she huffs, watching as he turns over a card labeled the tower and makes a small noise, moving to the next card, “A little blue tiefling, pink sundress on?”

He thinks for a moment, flicking over another card, this one labeled temperance. “Can’t say I know her, though if you gave me long enough I could”

She huffs turning away to talk to someone else. Molly watches her stumble away before turning back to the cards. He turns over the last one, the lovers.

“Huh” he looks back in Beau’s direction, “Interesting”.

She makes her rounds between the few groups she had gotten to know, the scruffy guy from the church clean up, who’s name she learned to be Caleb, and her RA Veth didn’t seem to know who the tiefling was either, pointing her in the direction of the firbolg from her group as well.

He smiles as she approaches, a cup of steaming tea in his hand. His voice low and slow as he speaks.

“Hi there, can I do something for you? Tea perhaps?”

She shakes her head, “No, thank you”, he nods taking a sip and closing his eyes at the warmth, “I was told by Caleb and Veth to see if you might know someone?”

“Sure, but introductions first. Caduceus Clay” 

“Oh yeah, right, you can call be Beau”  
“Well Beau, who might I help you find”, he leans back against the counter.

“She’s this blue tiefling, had on a pink sundress, spoke with some sort of accent…” 

She trails off as he closes his eyes again, humming.

“Ah yes, I’m not the one to speak of this, you were in our group from earlier right?”, she nods, “That half orc I was speaking to, I think he would know”. He points to a group of jocks gathered around a keg. Sure enough, the half orc is standing near them.

“Thanks Caduceus, I appreciate it!” She throws over her shoulder as she makes her way over to him.

“Sure thing, his name is Fjord by the way”, he smiles as she leaves, taking another sip of his tea.

She’s buzzing as she nears the wall of varsity jackets, all freshmen still sporting their highschool colors of course. She feels delusional walking over to the guy, how had this tiefling pulled her in and made her like this and she didn’t know her name. There were a few hook ups she never learned their names, but this felt different. She needed to know it.

She reaches Fjord and taps on his shoulder, motioning him towards a quieter part of the room. He obliges, following.

She’s nervous now, why is she nervous, what is happening to her. This is not her element, but she shakes it off.

“Hey, I’m Beau, Caduceus told me you knew the name of the blue tiefling in the pink sundress?”

The question lingers for a moment before Fjord laughs.

“Yeah, her name’s Jester”.

Jester, she feels obsessed, the thoughts racing before she can keep them in check. Her chest clenches again, the possibilities sprawling out before her with just this small bit of information. And like that, the tiefling appears again, waving at the two of them and picking her way through the crowd. Beau quiets the unusual thoughts her mind is procuring, dances, road trips, dates, and turns back to Fjord.

“She’s my girlfriend”.

It feels like Beau’s heart stops, the words weighing it down to the bottom of her being. Her thoughts a derailed train careening over a cliff as Jester walks over to Fjord and places a kiss on his cheek. She needs to get out. To get fresh air. She chokes some excuse out and does what she does best. Runs.


	2. you're gonna fall (but i'll catch you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I Dare You - The Regrettes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! I hope everyone's healthy, and doing well!  
> I'm actually uploading this chapter on time! So here's to that!  
> Also apparently, I might just be writing this much for each chapter, if not more? We'll see with the next couple!  
> But a huge thank you to everyone who's read it, keep on rocking :)

It’s around a week or two later when Beau finally falls into a rhythm. The few people she actually talked to at the party started to gravitate towards her, and her small trio almost doubled in these first couple of weeks. First was Caleb, who seemed to be in almost every class she signed up for. With him came Veth close behind. The two seemed almost inseparable, and she knew better than to delve into that now. Caduceus she accidentally ran into again trying to locate the room for statistics. Apparently part of the building was converted into a room specifically for growing mushrooms. The first thing she noticed was the humidity as she opened the door, the next was the faint glow that seemed to radiate from the firbolg’s pastel pink locks. They talked for a bit and Beau invited him to dinner that once, and he has been prompt ever since. At the rec center she noticed Fjord attempting to use a machine, the weight set way too high. She made a quip and helped adjust it to his level, before apologizing for the party. 

“Hey, no worries, we all got shit we’ve been through. Although I don’t think I’m the one you should be apologizing to”

He had draped the towel over his shoulder and given her a pointed look before heading towards the changing room. She frowned, shaking her head to rid the thought before moving to a punching bag. As the first hit lands solidly, she feels better, her thoughts rearranging as the material of the bag shifts from her punches and kicks. She’s drenched in sweat and her muscles ache when she finally calls it quits and hauls herself out the door. The warm air is tinged with the promise of fall, and she enjoys the walk back. Campus bustles during the day, people hurrying to class or the dining hall, trying to be the first for whatever special the staff has concocted for the day. At night, almost no one is out, but it doesn’t feel empty. Light from buildings holding night classes and the large windows of the union, students already studying in the various nooks and crannies, remind her that the quiet doesn’t mean she’s alone. She makes it back to her dorm, cleans up, and attempts to study before the words blur together and she’s throwing herself on her bed.

She never had the freedom that college life offers her every day. She can wake and fall asleep as she pleases, study without her father breathing down her neck to ace every test. The rec center is open almost all day, and there’s a class almost every day that she longs to participate in. She has deadlines and classes to attend of course, but this is so much different than her home life. Breakfast and dinner were no longer mandatory family affairs. She could simply tell Molly she wasn’t up to it, and he would usher the rest of their group away, proclaiming loudly about some false ailment Beau had come down with. She appreciated him in that way. Yeah he was loud and obnoxious most of the time, but he knew how to get people on his side. It was sort of nice, being able to listen to her own thoughts and ideas. Well, most of the time.

She’s studying at the library when she feels the tight reins on her thoughts loosening. Her mind’s wandering and she knows exactly where it’s heading. She tries desperately to focus on the page in front of her, clinging to the words as her thoughts tip over the edge. It’s been too good here, something bad is bound to happen, and more likely sooner than later. She doesn’t know what it is, but she’s certain it will be her fault. the impending doom and uncertainty threatens to overwhelm her entirely. She needs to leave, to get out before she hurts anyone she might actually come to care about, but her muscles refuse. She’s locked in place, hidden in the stacks. She feels her arms come to cradle her head, tears trailing down her cheeks. 

She’s almost given in when she hears footsteps, but they sound miles away, until suddenly they’re not. She feels someone behind her, hears garbled speech as a tentative hand touches her back. She flinches hard and it moves, a mass of blue obscuring her vision in its place. She tries to swallow, the lump large in her throat. This was the last person she had wanted to see her in this state. The hand returns and she lets out a strangled sob, her body loosening an inch. She hears more words, quiet and soothing. She closes her eyes and breathes in, the smell of old books mingling with something sweeter, and holds it before releasing it in a slow huff.

She straightens up, her thoughts subsiding as she stretches her back, taking note of the pull of every muscle and the popping of each joint. She takes another breath before turning to Jester, head now devoid of any thoughts except to apologize. She should have been stronger. Jester should have never seen her like this. No one should have to see Beau like this. She didn’t want their pity, the concerned look that always consumed their face after an episode. But when she turns, it isn’t there. Instead Jester’s face looks contemplative, eyebrows knitted together as the cogs in her head turn.

“Look, Jester, I’m sor-”

She feels a finger press to her lips as Jester gives her a serious look.

“Nope”, she pops the p, shaking her head, “No apologies, besides, this is what friends do right?”

Friends? She had barely talked to this girl at the party. Beau wouldn’t consider them friends, sure they had drawn dicks together, but that didn’t constitute actual friendship. Her thoughts are interrupted as Jester removes her finger and cocks her head. An almost sad look crosses her face. Shit. She should’ve just agreed instead of going silent. The look lasts only a moment before a grin replaces it.

“Anyway, you looked like you needed a pick me up, so I figured we could go do something fun”

The “yes” barely leaves Beau’s mouth before Jester grabs her hands, that same mischievous grin on her face, her eyes lighting up.

“I have just the thing”

It’s just getting dark as they leave the library, the last tendrils of orange low in the sky. Jester skips ahead, oversized sweater tucked into a pair of cutoff overalls. Beau shakes her head, amazed that she’s not baking in the late summer heat. Even the chill of night hadn’t warranted more than a light jacket or pair of actual pants. But it suits her.

She’s led to the art building, a place Beau has yet to step foot in. She’s admiring the sculptures displayed in the lobby when it clicks. She’s an art major. Of course. That would explain, well, it would explain some of her at least. She watches as Jester skips over to a closed door, procures a key from her pocket, and unlocks it. Yeah, there was definitely more to Jester’s personality than her being an art major could explain. 

She flicks the lights to the room on and Beau is greeted by a dozen or more easels propped around a table decorated with random objects. It looks like a proper studio or what Beau assumes one would look like. Paint dried to the concrete floor, figure studies tacked to the walls, a large sink commanding a whole corner to itself. It was sort of calming. It didn’t matter here if the art was “bad”, it was placed alongside it’s peers without shame. She’s considering this as Jester pops back over to her, bag in hand.

“You ready?”

Beau nods, a smiling growing, “Yeah”

-

They work their way through campus, tagging every light pole they see with a small phallus. They almost got caught once as a security guard making their rounds stumbled upon them crouched behind the base of one. Jester had played it off that she had dropped her glasses and they were trying to find them, which resulted in the pair plus the guard rummaging through the grass and nearby bushes, in search of what Beau thought were nonexistent glasses. That was until Jester raised a pair in triumph, thanking the security guard before putting them on. 

It’s actually pretty cute, the frames just a little too big for her face. But she stops herself, she can’t think like that. Not now.

“I didn’t know you had glasses”

Jester looks at her, taking the glasses off and returning them to a paint splattered case.

“Oh yeah, I typically have contacts in so I don’t wear them all that often. I also can get messy painting, and they kinda get in the way” 

She shrugs and for the first time Beau notices that the sweater-overall combo exhibits splashes and streaks of dried paint and various art mediums. She can’t help but smile at the childish look, her heart squeezing for just a beat.

Jester’s looking at her, and there’s something sad in the way she holds herself. Her normally outgoing personality trapped behind her crossed arms. She opens her mouth, but no sound comes out, kicking a rock into the bushes. Beau waits patiently, knowing she’ll talk in her own time, Jester doesn’t seem one to not speak her mind.

“Hey Beau?” 

“Yeah”

“Back at the party”

Ohnoshefiguredsomethingout- Her hurrying thoughts are interrupted as Jester continues.

“You didn’t run from Fjord cuz I was there did you?”

“No, Jester, why would you think that?”

“Well you barely said anything when we were marking that guy’s bed, and kinda left without saying much, and then I saw you talking to him, and you seemed in such a hurry to get out. Then I didn’t see you back in the library, and I thought you were avoiding me”

The last sentence is almost whispered, tears threatening to fall, as Jester attempts to regain her composure. She’s sniffling, and Beau was never good in these situations. She can’t just tell her to buck up and it will be fine. She tentatively touches her shoulder. Jester leans slightly into it, still unsure.

“Jester”

She looks up, a single tear streaking down her lightly flushed cheeks.

“I wasn’t avoiding you, and the party was” She hesitates, searching for the right words, “That was a personal thing, it had nothing to do with you or Fjord”

“Are you sure?” She hiccups.

“Positive, we’re friends after all”

“Yeah”, She wipes at her eyes and Beau squeezes her shoulder, throwing her a toothy grin.

“Now c’mon, I think there’s still a few more poles to tag”

Jester smiles back, and something melts just a little further in Beau’s chest.

-

The rest of the semester gets easier, the eight of them becoming fast friends as they navigate through college life. They learned that Caleb had transferred from another university, but because of a mix up, couldn’t continue where his studies had left off, as a result he had switched his majors. Veth was returning for her master’s in chemistry. Caduceus and Yasha were both in some botanical program. Fjord was undecided, something with marine biology or squids or something. She really wasn’t sure, and she really didn’t know if she actually wanted an explanation after an in depth description of underwater feeding habits.

Their differences aside, they all came to know each other as well as they could, usually dragged along by Jester to whatever event was happening that week. They got used to the spontaneity. As a result they were not surprised when the chill that pervaded the night moved to the day and the leaves began to turn that Jester came to them with another group excursion. They’re at the dining hall when she clears her throat.

“Soooo” she draws out the “o”, pushing the remains of her meal around, “It’s getting to be fall, and you know what that means”

Fjord only rolls his eyes, trying to hide a smile at her antics. He’d obviously been through this at least a few times before. The rest of the table shared a look. Although they were starting to get used to her bursts of energy, this seemed on another level. Veth pipes up.

“No, what about it?”

Somehow her smile grows. Her tail flicking back and forth like an excited cat.

“It means apple picking season!” she exclaims, throwing her arms out, and catching a few looks from other students trying to eat, “It means, pumpkins and hayrides and corn mazes and sweaters!”

“But you wear sweaters all the time?” Caduceus adds, raising his eyebrows at the sweater and high waisted jean combination she had on.

“Well yeah, cuz they’re cute. But now everyone else can start wearing sweaters too! Oh and we could all match!”

Even though not everyone agrees with the matching sweater idea, her excitement is contagious, and soon everyone has something they want to add to the list. It takes them the rest of dinner to plot out the coming weeks before winter sets in. Even Yasha pitches the idea to go visit a botanical garden and arboretum close by. Plans in place, they say goodbye and return to their respective dorms. Beau is thrilled, she had only really done these things when she was small. The memories are vague but she remembers the joy she felt being lifted up to pick a round red apple from a branch. It’s one of the only good memories she has from then. She pushes that thought aside and settles in for the night, excited for the coming weeks. First on the list, apple picking and corn mazes.

-

The sun is warm overhead as they pile into Fjord’s car, a beat up Explorer that everyone cracks jokes about whenever he mentions it. It’s old, but it does have its perks, like working heat and air conditioning and seating for 8 people. They’re squeezed together, Jester in the front seat singing along to some pop tune she had changed the station to. The windows are down and there isn’t a care in the world as they pass field after field of corn and wheat, the gold and green blending together. Beau knows she’s staring as Jester turns to the back seats and smiles, belting out the words. Beau smiles back, almost inebriated by the whole situation. Jester turns around just as Beau is smacked on the back of the head. She turns to find Caduceus asleep, Molly fiddling with his phone, and Caleb staring out the window. She narrows her eyes before slowly turning back around, her phone buzzing as she settles back into her seat.

MollyCock: Now, I can’t very well charge you, in this case but do know it didn’t go unnoticed ;)

Beau’s Bo: Shit

Beau’s Bo: Really?

MollyCock: Just be a little more careful next time, or don’t, I do love a free show

She switches her phone back off, now hyper aware of herself. She folds her hands in, trying to make herself as small as possible, careful not to touch Yasha or Veth. She feels herself on the precipice again and wills her thoughts backwards. It’s not wrong, but it is. It’s okay, and then it isn’t. She sits for a moment, curling inward, before a hand taps her on the back. She glances back and this time Molly maintains eye contact. He takes a deep breath and waits as she follows suit. The weight rising in her throat settles back down and she nods, unaware of Fjord glancing in the rear view mirror.

It’s another 15 minutes before they arrive at the orchard. The mood lifting as fields turn into rows of trees. They begin planning immediately, deciding that the corn maze is better suited for an activity closer to sunset, and heading over to the orchard. Everyone chips in for 2 baskets worth and Beau moves in front of them arms crossed.

“I propose… a competition, whoever picks the most apples in 10 minutes wins. Losers buy the winner’s whatever they want from the food truck tonight”

“I’ll take you up on that”, Fjord speaks up, “What do you say guys versus girls”

“But that means we get Veth…” Beau complains, shoulders drooping.

“Hey! I’m not the one you should be worried about”, she points at Jester who’s crouched beside a few small flowers, a bee on her finger, unaware of the eyes turned on her. She looks over to find them all staring.

“Wait, what did I miss?”

“Nothing at all”, Fjord laughs, helping her up before extending a hand to Beau, “We got a deal?”

She grins, “You’re going down”

They split into their respective groups and start, each team heading toward opposite sides of the field, snatching a few apples along the way. They finally stop, Yasha picking Veth up and settling her on her shoulders to reach the high fruit, leaving Jester and Beau to gather the rest. The latter of which scrambles up a tree and begins tossing down ripe apples. The pairs work quickly, their basket almost full when Beau runs out of apples near the trunk of the tree and moves to the edge of a branch to try for the last few.

“Be careful Beau don’t fall!”

“I’m not gonna fall” 

She steps out further on the branch, throwing down two more apples as she reaches for the last one, her foot seeking purchase as the branch gets thinner. Jester watches and hears the creak of the limb just as Beau rests her weight on it.

“You’re gonna-”

There’s a cracking sound as the branch bends almost comically before a loud snap echoes through the trees and then Beau is falling. She’s fallen before, the sensation not all that unpleasant compared to the impact. She notes the blue of the sky, the green and brown of the earth before she closes her eyes. It seems to help a bit if you don’t expect it. She braces a bit, ready to roll when she hits, but the hard packed ground never comes. The impact is softer, as Jester wraps her arms around Beau’s body and takes the brunt of the fall. It still knocks the wind out of both of them.

Apples forgotten, the two sit there for a moment, catching their breath. Beau feels her face go red hot, but can’t get away from Jester’s grip. She never knew Jester was this strong, the arms around her tight and unyielding. It’s a little hot. But no, she stops the thought there, instead turning her attention back to Jester. The tiefling is unusually quiet, and she’s worried she’s actually hurt when she starts laughing.

“You really should listen better Beau” She manages to get out between laughs, “You never know who you might fall for.”

Beau freezes and then pouts, her pride hurt more than anything else. Jester elbows her in the side, eliciting a small smile as the two get up and dust themselves off. They hurry to collect the apples Jester had thrown to the side in her rush to reach Beau. They collect the last few as the timer on Beau’s phone goes off. Their basket is close to overflowing as they make their way back to the entrance. Beau is trying to shake off what happened when Jester slows down to walk beside her. She tilts her head.

“You know Beau, you’re gonna fall, but I’ll catch you”, she grins, flexing a bicep.

Beau flushes again, but Jester is too caught up in running over to the other team to compare baskets to notice. It’s fine, it’s totally fine. Everything’s fine. She catches Molly’s gaze and he shoots her a winning grin. She rolls her eyes, unsure of what exactly has transpired the past 15 minutes. Her thoughts continue to worm their way around her brain as they count the apples, each side certain they had the most, despite both baskets being just as full as the other. The final count comes down to 2 apples in favor of Beau’s team.

They burst into cheers, Jester going in for a round of high-fives, the smile on her face the widest it’s ever been. For a second, Beau thinks that she would do anything to keep that smile on her face. Even if it meant falling out of a tree. She’s staring again, as Jester moves to Yasha and takes her by the hands, leading her in an offbeat waltz. Fjord approaches her, and watches for a moment, his lips quirked.

“Good game” He turns, grasping her hand in a firm shake, “But I will get you next time”

She scoffs, “In your dreams”

“You know” He chuckles, “I’m glad we met you, I’ve never seen her smile as much as she does when you’re around”

“Yeah?” And she’s worried for a moment. Did Fjord notice too? What did she even feel towards Jester? It all felt like a jumble of emotions and it wasn’t something she was used to. Her past relationships, if you could call them that, we’re quick and devoid of most of the emotions that seemed to flutter in her chest now. She doesn’t even know where to start and would much rather nip whatever this was in the bud before it got out of hand. 

“Yeah” He elbows her in the side, bringing her back to the earth, “C’mon now, I do think we’re owing you all a hotdog, or whatever they’re making over there”

Beau elbows him back and they make their way to where the rest of the group has gathered around a food stall. The rest of the night passes quickly as they make their way through the maze, the setting sun barely giving them enough light to get through without calling for help. They stumble out the exit laughing as the last streaks of the sun fall below the horizon. Loading up the car, they pile in against the slight chill of the air. The majority of the car almost immediately falls asleep as Fjord turns on to the road, the soft twang of a country song filling the silence. Beau stares out the window, the dark fields blending together into a mess of shadow, and then they’re back on campus, and saying goodbye. Fjord, Caleb, Veth, Jester, and Caduceus heading towards the other dorms, and Molly, Yasha, and Beau towards the other.

Beau’s surprised that Molly doesn’t say anything as they stroll across campus. Their warm breath fogging in the fall air. He opens the door as they arrive at the dorm, Yasha moving up the stairwell as Molly takes Beau by the arm. There it is, she looks down and then back up to him, fully prepared for some jab.

“Hey, look, make good choices alright?” He says before opening the door with a flourish, leaving Beau confused at the bottom of the stairs.

She takes them two at a time and changes into a pair of pajamas before falling on her bed face first. Deep breath in. And out. That squeezing feeling is back in her chest. She lets it settle there for a minute, memorizing how it feels before she pushes it down again. She can’t let a stupid crush, if that’s what it even is, have her acting like this. She’s been so careful, so in control until now. She can’t let this get between some of the only people she’s truly cared about. She can’t do that to Fjord, and she especially can’t do that to Jester. Tucking away the thought and silencing it. It’s stupid and not worth losing the only good thing she has over. She sighs, pulling the pillow over her head and falling into a restless sleep, the last thought in her head a question.

Did she fall unknowingly, or jump willingly?


	3. she calls me up on friday night (she said her boyfriend said goodbye)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bestie by Sizzy Rocket (Explicit)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for everyone reading, and for being patient for this next chapter! I finished my undergrad last week and moving home took a bit of a toll on me. This one was sort of difficult to write, I didn't want to be super NSFW cuz that's not always my thing. But I hope you enjoy!

The first semester ends better than most of them had expected, especially when most nights devolved into snowball fights that were more accurately described as wars occurring in the ever growing drifts. The tension rolled off their backs as each member of the group finished their last exams and submitted final projects. Beau is reviewing her term paper when she receives a text announcing the arrival of Fjord, Jester, and Caduceus in time for dinner. She stretches, popping her back, before getting up to throw on a winter jacket and beanie.

She’s greeted by her friends also bundled to different degrees. The cold air hits as they exit the building, their breath puffing under the street lights. Small refractions of light that dissipates almost as quickly as they form. The campus is blanketed by freshly fallen snow, snowpeople sprouting up here and there from bored students. It’s quiet, and Beau appreciates the soft chatter of Jester to keep her mind from wandering too far. With the semester ending soon, she’ll have to stay at campus, probably alone, and she hasn’t even sorted that out. But Jester’s going on about some of the few places her mother let her travel to in her childhood, a beach off to the south, some town north of wherever she grew up. Beau let’s herself fall into the stories Jester weaves, unaware for a moment that Jester stops.

“Guys…”

The three continue a few steps, waiting for her to catch up. When she doesn’t, they turn, hands stuffed into pockets in case she tries to coerce them into creating another snow sculpture. But she’s standing in the warm glow of the street lamp, the cogs in her head turning faster and faster. She looks at them, that same gleam in her eye that does something to Beau’s stomach she doesn’t want to admit. But she pushes it down and looks between Fjord and Caduceus, who look equally confused, and unsure what rabbit hole Jester’s thoughts have scurried down.

Her eyes finally turn up, flitting between each of them, the purple irises reflecting the warmth of the light.

“We should totally go home to Mama! We could go to the beach, and I can show you around the city-”

“Wait, what do you mean by ‘we’?”

“Well everyone, you guys, and Molly, Yasha, Caleb, and Veth if she wants, though I know she has a lot going on… But it would be so much fun! We could go during spring break! The ocean is actually warm then! There’s so many things to see and do! It’ll be so much fun!

“That does sound pretty nice” Caduceus’ low cadence breaks through the bubble of Jester’s words. Her bright smile turned towards him. It’s endearing, and soon Beau is agreeing too, already taking her phone out to let the others know and to begin working out plans. It takes Fjord a little more pestering, he likes the idea, but it is going to be a lot of work, and she needs to talk to her mom first before bringing home a bunch of college kids. Jester drops her final card, the puppy dog eyes, and he finally relents. Jester throws her arms around him in a hug, which he returns, engulfing her in the large winter coat he has on. He looks up from Jester’s shoulder, and Beau swears just for a moment that there’s something far away in his gaze. His eyes catch hers and a shiver runs down her back, but not just from the cold. It’s fleeting, and then he’s throwing his arm around Jester’s shoulder and they’re walking to the dining hall. Caduceus falls in step quickly, asking Jester about the local flora, and if there are tropical fungi. Beau stays back a second, stopped in her tracks by the look Fjord had given her. It wasn’t like him. She shakes her head, now wasn’t the time, before catching up to her friends.

-

It’s Friday when Beau finally feels like she can breathe. With her finals over, her term paper submitted, and an email approving her application to work at the library, she deems tonight a night for celebration. The dorm is mostly empty save for the RA’s and the few students either staying on campus or waiting for delayed flights. A winter storm had blown in, grounding the planes until at least Monday, upsetting several of the students and their families. But, that didn’t really matter to Beau, she was staying no matter what. Though it did leave both Fjord and Jester on campus for the weekend, maybe they could plan an excursion, she’s sure Jester has some idea bouncing around her head. For now though, she was going to relax.

She reaches under her bed and pulls out a suitcase that looks like it’s stuffed with sheets, if only to obscure its contents from nosey staff. Veth doesn’t mind, she thinks as she carefully unwraps a bottle, the dark liquid swirling, so long as she gets to taste it of course. It was the resident director and campus staff she had to watch out for. The dorms were supposed to be dry, emphasis on the “supposed to be”. Everyone had some, or knew someone, you just had to be careful, or at the very least, not blatantly obvious. That was Beau’s speciality, being innocuous. It was simple really, after years of pilfering her father’s own collection, this was a cake walk.

She uncorks the bottle and inhales deeply, taking a minute to appreciate the oaky undertones. She had her ways of procuring wine, and they did not disappoint. Now if only she had a nice glass to pour this in, she sighs as she grabs a mug she had thrifted, curly words announcing “Coffee is my daytime wine!”. Eh, close enough. She fills the cup and lifts it skyward, congratulating herself on actually making it this far. The wine is sweeter than she expected, but it’s good, hints of vanilla and nutmeg offer a satisfying finish. She leans back on the frame of her bed. Her father would never allow a product like this to leave his orchard, and she never understood why. His arbitrary business methods never seemed to make sense, even to him. 

The only consistent thing about him was his anger. It was like the tides, rising and ebbing, sometimes to dangerous levels. She knew when to skirt around the edges, how to avoid him. Sometimes she didn’t though, bearing the brunt of his unchecked emotions so her mother didn’t have to. Sometimes she was sure that his favorite thing to do was berate her. Everything about Beau was wrong, the way she dressed, her attitude, even her gender. She was initially relieved when her mother had given birth to TJ, the boy her father had always wanted. But then the guilt struck, what was going to change? She was going to be in the shadow of her younger brother and stuck in the same place she had always been, under her father’s thumb. It was then, looking into TJ’s newly opened eyes that she had decided it would be different. She would do anything to make sure he never had to go what she did, or worse, become like their father. She applied for university, and was packed that fall. She didn’t want to think about it more than she had to, she was here now, and that’s what matters.

She’s several mugs in when the wine starts hitting her. It’s nice and not all that unfamiliar. The warmth spreading from her core to her finger tips. Her limbs relaxing, and the tension unknotting in her back. She’s almost asleep, mind fuzzy and head lolling back on her bed when her phone rings. She shuts her eyes tighter, wondering who could be calling her at almost one in the morning. The noise doesn’t stop, whoever it is must be persistent. She cracks an eye open and isn’t all that surprised to see Jester’s name lighting up the screen. Beau opens the other eye and takes a deep breath, staring into the picture Jester had taken on her phone and then promptly changed her contact photo to. She slides the little button, answering the call.

“Hey Jest-”, the words slurring in her mouth until she hears a hiccup and sniffle on the other end. She sobers just enough to catch the torrent of words that fall from the receiver.

“I know it’s really late, and I hope I didn’t wake you up. But do you think you could meet me outside and we could go for a walk or something, I can bring sharpies o-or paint” Jester’s voice cracks, and Beau’s heart picks up its pace. She’s already up and pulling on warmer clothes, the phone wedged between her shoulder and cheek. 

“Yeah, sure thing Jes, meet me outside my dorm?”

There’s silence and Beau is afraid she’s hung up, but the phone still displays her name and the call time. She’s pulling on her boots when the reply comes through. Short and sad.

“Thanks Beau”

She hangs up.

-

Jester is already waiting when Beau closes the dormitory door behind her. The sudden cold sobering her up more, her head beginning to ache just a bit. She’s standing near the outdoor tables they had frequented when the weather was nicer. Benches and tabletops now covered in a fine dusting of snow left behind by the storm that had blown through. She takes her pink mittened hands out of her pockets and wraps Beau in a hug. She stands there for a moment, not one accustomed to physical affection before slowly wrapping an arm around the tiefling. She pulls back, and if Beau hadn’t heard the stifled sobs on the phone not five minutes ago, understood what it took to get words past the lump that forms, she would’ve sworn that the pink on her cheeks was from the biting wind. 

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

Jester doesn’t respond, instead looping her arm through Beau’s and pulling her down the sidewalk. They walk for a few minutes in silence, past the empty dorms and towards the center of campus. Beau’s mind can’t help but wander. Jester was one to call randomly in the middle of the night, usually with some crazy idea. She was one to be free with her emotions, or at least that’s what she seemed to be. Beau had the feeling that although she laughed and joked without reservations, there was something else just below the surface. Something a little sorrowful.

“I think Fjord and I had a fight”

Jester’s voice startles her in the quiet of the snowy night. She glances over, Jester’s face turned towards the ground.

“Why’d you say that?”

She looks up, tears forming in the corners of her eyes. She sniffles.

“Well, we went back to my dorm after dinner, he said I wasn’t thinking this plan through, bringing you all back to Nicodranas with me. That I should be more considerate of everyone else’s ideas.”

“It’s not like anyone had said anything before this”

“That’s what I told him, but he blew me off. Called me childish and irresponsible… That’s when I left, I know I shouldn’t have but what else could I do? It all just felt like too much, so I went to the art room, but that wasn’t working, so then I called you…”

“Well, he’s a dick”

Beau pauses. Jester had turned to her first out of everyone else. Fjord might have been partially right, Jester did spring ideas on them very suddenly. But she wasn’t one to hold a grudge if someone didn’t agree or couldn’t come. She tried to accommodate others when she could. But that was her charm. She was always one to find the brighter side of a situation. Always the first to try and make plans and experience new things. Deep down Beau knows that Fjord feels that way too. He wasn’t someone to do that to Jester without some catalyst. She makes a note to talk to Fjord later, to ask what exactly was eating away at him, making him distant. But for tonight, Fjord could fuck himself. Jester is looking at her expectantly, eyebrows pulled together.

Beau smiles at her, all teeth.

“C’mon, let’s fuck shit up”

The corners of Jester’s mouth turn up. She rummages through her bag and pulls out sharpies, offering one to Beau. As she takes it, Beau knows deep within her that she would take on the world for Jester.

-

They wander around campus for a bit, tagging the few lamp poles they hadn’t hit yet and leaving a rather generous dick on the bell tower. It’s eerier than before, the student union is empty, the glow of the fluorescent lights reaching for the plowed walkways, as if searching for someone. A shiver runs down Beau’s spine, she’s not one to be jumpy, but the alcohol’s wearing off, and she’s getting paranoid. She gestures to the science building, indicating a wall obstructed by pine trees and shrubs. 

“How ‘bout we make a little mural?”

Jester eyes light up, and she nods quickly, following Beau through the boughs. The science building is one of the few structures on campus not made of brick. Instead, it bears stucco worn almost smooth by the winds that frequently tear through campus. The trees around it were placed specifically to block the poor thing from the weather, coincidentally making a perfect place to deface property. Jester stands back from the wall for a minute, considering it, before jumping to action. She pulls tubes of paint and a ziplock of brushes out, handing some supplies to Beau as well. They get to work.

It’s messy, their hands numb from the cold, and not at all the portraits and landscapes Beau is accustomed to seeing from Jester. But the scene is slowly coming together, an orchard in one corner, apples red and ripe and ready to be picked, a snowman in another, carrot nose and tophat. It’s nice, just working on something and neither of them expecting anything from the other. Jester hums a familiar tune as she works on what seems to be a beach, palm trees sprouting against the light grey of the wall. Beau becomes engrossed with the snowman, finishing the three buttons on it’s torso. She turns triumphantly and finds herself alone. The trodden area where Jester had been working empty.

She’s moving before she can even think properly, pushing through the trees and onto the main path. Jester loves chaos, and Beau wasn’t sure how far she’d go tonight. The fight hadn’t seemed all that bad, but maybe it was worse than she thought. Maybe it was enough to tip Jester overboard. She considers each direction, trying to formulate which way Jester would’ve headed. Her mind is racing and she misses the blur of white that connects with the side of her face. It’s cold and stings, as she frantically tries to find it’s source, catching dark blue horns just as they disappear behind a snowbank. A small giggle breaking the silence.

She lets go of a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding and laughs. Relief floods her body. This was the Jester she knew, and if this was how she was gonna play. Game on.

Beau sneaks around another pile, grabbing a handful of snow and compacting it intos ball. She was never one to back down from a fight. She peeks over the top, narrowly avoiding another snowball as it passes by her ear. She launches her own and laughs as it grazes Jester’s head, ducking back down for more ammo. The volley continues, both failing to do more than barely miss the other, packed snow exploding as it strikes the ground and nearby trees. Beau’s running out of snow, barely getting enough together for this last attack. She peers over the top again, ducking just as another snowball whiffs over her head. She lobs the ball hard and watches as it arcs over and lands directly in Jester’s face. She lets out a surprised squeak and falls backwards as the icy slush hits her.

Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuck. Beau’s vaulting over her own snowbank and sprinting over to Jester, who is curled on the ground, mittens covering her face. She just hit one of the only good things in her life. Things were going too well, of course she would do something stupid. She kneels next to Jester and pulls her up until she’s almost sitting in her lap. Jester’s face is tear stained, the sudden cold having stung her face. Her cheeks are flushed and she throws her arms around Beau, pressing herself as close as she can.

“Shit, Jes, I’m so sorry, I’m so sor-”

Her words stop in her throat as a handful of wet snow is thrust past the many layers and down the back of her shirt. She scrambles back, trying to get the snow out as quickly as possible while trying to stay as dry as possible. Jester falls back in the snow laughing as Beau stands up, the remains of the snow falling from her shirt.

“I can’t believe you fell for that” She sits back up, wiping her eyes with the back of her mittens.

Beau grins, a glint in her eye, “Oh, now that’s just cruel”, before she tackles Jester into the snowbank. The snow settling around them as Beau straddles Jester, hands poised overhead. Jester’s eyes go wide.

“You wouldn’t”

“Or would I?”

Jester tries to wiggle free, but Beau has her pinned. She’s merciless as she begins to tickle her. He gloved hands barely finding purchase through the snow and slick jacket. But Jester’s laughing harder, tears streaming down her cheeks. She’s quickly out of breath, and asking to tap out.

“I give, I give!” She manages to get out between gasps. Beau stops, triumphant, and sits back, keeping Jester pinned. She raises her hand and lets out a whoop. Her victory short lived as Jester maneuvers under her. Suddenly her back is hitting the ground, the breath knocked out of her lungs, as Jester switches their positions. Shit, she forgot how strong the tiefling actually was. But the thought is shoved from her mind as Jester brings her face close to her own. She feels her face flush, catching a hungry glint in the tiefling’s eyes.

“I win”

Beau can’t move. She can’t speak. Her mind blanks. All she can think of is the weight Jester on top of her, and her face so close. How it feels so right. Her whole body feels like it’s on fire everywhere there’s contact. But it’s wrong, it’s wrong, it’s wrong. She just had her first real fight with Fjord, and it’s wrong. The thoughts are rolling through her head, and she’s almost spiralling. Then the weight is gone, Jester is standing and dusting snow off her jacket. Beau takes a shuddering breath, her thoughts slowing just enough to compose herself. She gets up and moves to get Jester’s bag, and to put a little distance between them. When she gets back, Jester looks contemplative and a little sad.

“Hey Beau, can we go back to your room, I don’t feel like being alone”

She hesitates. She isn’t in a condition to just let Jester come over. It’s not that they haven’t slept over in each other’s rooms before. Seen each other changing, albeit she had given Jester privacy when she could. That’s what friends do though, especially if you were friends with Jester. She almost doesn’t have any shame. But, Beau’s head is still in overdrive, trying to pin all of the butterflies in her stomach down and sort them out. It really isn’t the time for a sleepover. The only answer that it seems to persist, or course, is that it’s Jester. It’s only Jester. It’ll be fine.

“Sure thing Jes”

The walk back is quiet, the only sound is the crunch of snow beneath their boots. The warmth of the dorm makes Beau sweat almost immediately, but it’s a welcome relief from the bitter cold of night. She unlocks her room and hands Jester a shirt and shorts, before grabbing a towel and her own pajamas.

“I’m gonna hit the shower real quick, you got movie choices yeah?”

“Duh”, Jester’s already tearing apart Beau’s bed to find the remote, which she holds up like the Holy Grail, before turning the TV on, “Hurry up yeah? You don’t wanna miss the beginning!”

Beau just smiles, hurrying to shower before Jester can pick something too ridiculous. The water is barely hot by the time she’s turning the handle and toweling off her hair. The hallway is warm, the radiator in the common room clicking on into a quiet whir. She enters her dark room to see Jester bundled in blankets and the title screen to The Notebook bright on the small screen. She frowns.

“You sure about that one? “

Jester looks at her, a sad smile on her face.

“Yeah, besides it’s one of your favorites right?”

She just grins and nods, not willing to tell her she mostly watches it for Rachel McAdams. Jester makes room, and they sit together, backs against the cold stone of the wall. The movie is a comfortable background noise to the thoughts in each of their heads. Safe in this small dorm room.

It isn’t long before the movie’s over and Jester’s head is on Beau’s shoulder. She couldn’t bear to move her an hour earlier when her weight began shifting. Now she’s slightly regretting it, as her whole left shoulder and arm are numb from the pressure. It’s awkward at first, but she eventually gets Jester to lay down without waking her. The tiefling sighs as she gets comfortable in the pillows. Satisfied, Beau grabs a blanket and the backrest she had been leaning on and goes to toss them to the floor. Before she can, a clumsy hand is grabbing her shirt and weakly tugging.

Jester’s not even awake, eyes over half-lidded as she protests.

“No, stay and cuddle…”

She’s drifting off again, her hand still clutching Beau’s shirt. She blows out a breath, knowing that she would be fighting a losing battle. She rearranges her side of the bed and settles in, face hot as Jester wiggles closer. An arm slings over her and she feels like she’s going to ascend or die. Either one would be okay she thinks, so long as Jester was the one who caused it.

“Beau, are we best friends”

The words are clearer than she expected and it takes her by surprise. Jester is still, for all intents and purposes, quite asleep, her breathing slow and even. Where this question came from, she would never know. Beau had never really had close friends, probably not even one she had considered a best friend, never really wanted one. Jester had reeled her in of course. Shown her what friends could really be, along with everyone else of course. But Jester was different, she was fun, and layered, and a lot of other things she wishes she could put into words.

“Yeah, we are”

There’s a satisfied hum as Jester falls deeper into sleep. Beau’s heart tugs in her chest. She had had such complicated feelings. Jester is as close as she had gotten to anyone else ever, but she feels miles away in the twin sized bed. Her feelings are a mess in her head, flipping through scenario after scenario. She feels guilty for a moment as she considers a few of the less PG one’s. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, as much as her father had instilled that hatred within herself, but it’s still not right. It’s Jester, she deserves someone so much better than her. Someone who doesn’t come with baggage. Someone who isn’t an asshole. 

Even so, the feelings remain, pulling and tugging at the fibers of her being. This isn’t going away anytime soon, she might as well accept it and move on. Jester and Fjord will work it out, and everything will be okay again. She exhales deeply, Jester turning away from her and snuggling closer in her sleep. Beau tentatively puts her arm around her waist, eliciting another hum. She buries her face in her shoulder and relaxes into the scent of vanilla and cinnamon. Her eyelids are heavy when her ears barely pick up the words.

“I love you Beau”

She smiles, heart skipping just once.

“Love you too, Jes”


	4. i wanna tell her that i love her (but the point is probably moot)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jessie's Girl - Mary Lambert

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, yes, I know Rick Springfield sings this song originally. I'm using the Mary Lambert cover cuz of reasons. Anyway, here's the chapter! Thanks for waiting, this one took a bit of time to write. I knew what I wanted but it took a bit to get there. Also graduated undergrad! So here's to that! Also huge thanks to anyone who reads, keep rocking!

It’s way too early the next morning for her phone to be ringing as much as it is. Beau cracks an eye just as the tone stops on her nightstand, too comfortable to move and see who could possibly be trying to reach her. She closes her eyes and takes a moment to remember what all happened last night, and why her and Jester are wrapped together like their lives depended on it. Right, Fjord. She pushes that thought to the back of her mind, not ready to actually consider anything regarding that. Jester snuggles closer to her collar bone, her breath warm on Beau’s neck, and she can’t help the flush that creeps up her face. Beau manages to reach across to her phone and hit the silence button on it’s side, deciding that whoever wants to talk to her so badly can wait another hour… or two. She wasn’t about to let anyone disturb Jester, especially after last night.

And it might have been for selfish reasons too, not wanting to give this moment up quite yet. Jester is pressed flush against her, their legs intertwined, the slow even rise and fall of her chest indicating she is still well asleep. Her tail twisted around Beau’s calf, the end flicking every so often. She can’t help but try and bring her closer, resting her chin on the top of her head. Okay, there were definitely selfish reasons,she thinks as Jester hums in her sleep. But who could blame her when the early morning sunlight is streaming through her curtains. The rays are soft, throwing her room into cozy shades of pastel pinks and oranges. It lights up Jester’s hair in warm tones of purple. Her normally smiling face is relaxed, her mouth downturned ever so slightly. It made her look more mature, serious, and even a little forlorn.

This was different from the sorrow that painted her face the night before. This felt deeper, closer to her heart. Jester was always so happy, always the first one to talk about her day, or to plan an outing for their group. She was always the one to get everyone onboard with the whirlwind of her thoughts. Beau knew that no one was ever that happy, at least no one she knew. There probably was at least one person out there who was truly happy, there’s always an outlier. There was something in the back of her head that told Beau that Jester wasn’t that person. The almost imperceptible shift in her eyes, the light fading for just a second, before she willed it back, convincing herself of her own happiness.

She furrows her brow, wondering what could put a shadow over Jester. Her past maybe? She always went on about her mother, and they talked several times a week. Jester retelling her day as if it were a fantastic adventure, and not just a typical day of classes and homework. It was one of the healthiest parent-child relationships Beau had seen, but maybe there was something more there…

Her thoughts come to a halt as Jester stirs, back arching away from her. She misses the warmth almost immediately as Jester stretches. But soon enough, Jester is back, nose pressed into the crook of her shoulder.

“5 more minutes ya?”, She mumbles, the words tickling the small hairs on the back of Beau’s neck.

“Yeah, 5 minutes”

She pushes the thoughts away. She does that a lot nowadays. They’re gonna catch up sooner or later. But they weren’t important, not now. What was important was wrapped in her arms, and she wasn’t about to fret about something that would come in it’s own time. The future was never certain, not for people like Beau, so she took advantage of the present in every way. Today, it was sleeping in with her best friend. She pulls the blankets up closer and puts her arms back around Jester’s waist. Her own breath evening out and matching pace with the cozy tiefling’s. The rest of the world put on pause for five more minutes.

-

Beau doesn’t know what time it is when she feels Jester pull away again. She wants to reach out, but finds restraint in her sleep-fogged mind. The bed shifts as Jester sits up on the edge of it, back to her. She cracks an eye open, the other tightly closed against the bright light streaming in from outside.

“What’s up Jes?”

Her shoulders tense for a moment, unaware that she had woken Beau as well. She takes a deep breath and relaxes, letting the exhale release the tension in her back. The motion wakes her up further, and Beau’s sitting up now, concern growing in the pit of her stomach

“Fjord called you… He was probably looking for me” 

She feels like she’s teetering on the edge of the pit, the footing growing unsteady as it expands. Shit. She could have at least shot him a text to let him know that Jester was fine. She was so caught up last night in making sure Jester was going to be okay, that she had disregarded Fjord. He was her friend too, even if he could be a jerk. But Beau was no different, and that’s why it worked out with them. But it was strange Jester hadn’t contacted him.

“Wait, don't you not have your phone?”

Jester looks guilty for a moment, her thumbs twiddling over Beau’s lockscreen.

“Yeah, I do, but like I said last night, I only grabbed my keys” She holds up the bright puff ball anchoring her dorm and art room keys and then points to a black reflective surface of her phone, “I didn't think I would need its charger"

She looks back down at the screen, unwilling to open it and face what had happened the night before. Beau watches her for a moment, considers wrapping her arms around her waist and leaning her head against her back. She thinks better of it, the situation too delicate. Instead, she opts to place her palm flat against Jester’s back, moving it in soothing circles. The same motion Jester had done to her at the beginning of the semester. She reaches around and takes the phone from her hands.

“How about I call him back and let him know everything’s alright, and you can get changed. Then we can figure out what’s happening today.”

Jester nods ever so slightly and Beau leaves the room. Walking towards the steps as she redials Fjord’s number. There’s a short ring before he picks up.

“Oh Beau, thank the Wildmother, is Jester with you? She ran out last night and isn't answering her phone, I didn’t know what happened to her. I tried to call earlier but no one picked up…”

His voice sounds strained and tired as she sits on the first step of the staircase. She figures he probably didn’t sleep much the night before, too worried about Jester. His words break, and it’s obvious he loves her, I mean, who didn’t? The hole in her widens, sends her plummeting, further than before. Who was she to stay up with Jester half the night and not even let Fjord know she was okay? Fjord was as much her friend as she could call anyone else, save Jester. She was selfish, and Fjord had been nothing but kind in the long run. She takes a deep breath as the line goes silent, Fjord expectant on the other end.

“Yeah Fjord, she’s with me, she’s okay”

Her voice is amplified in the small stairwell. She flinches as it echoes down the concrete and iron railings. It sounds like too much and not enough at the same time.

There’s another pause. The sigh of relief audible as Fjord tries to compose himself. When he talks again, it’s constricted, but more relaxed than before. It must have been enough for him.

“Thank you Beau. Y’all wanna come get lunch at the mess?”

She snorts at the dining hall’s nickname, something they had come up with after noticing that every meal had at least one spill occur during it. It was very Fjord to try and get things back on track. To keep it moving. It felt a little more normal.

“Let me ask Jester, I’ll shoot you a text in 10.”

“Sure thing, I’ll see ya there”

“See ya”

She’s about to hang up when his voice cuts through again.

“Oh and Beau?”

She’s quiet, unsure of what he’s about to say next. The words are hard to hear and she presses the phone harder against her ear to make them out.

“I didn’t mean to hurt her. I never would want to hurt her.”

“I know Fjord, I know”

This time the line goes silent and stays that way. She brings the phone down and stares at the dark screen before pocketing it. Leaning back, she wonders just exactly how she got in this situation. If this was something small blown out of proportion, or if something more was said between them. They seemed like a poster couple, highschool sweethearts who went off to college together and would more than likely get married soon after graduating. The kind of story you would read in a book. Beau knew all too well that the people in books, on magazines and billboards, were just that, people. They made mistakes, had arguments, laughed and cried. The snapshots of the good times failed to show the reality of their lives.

She stands up. Life isn’t always sad, she thinks, opening the heavy metal door to her floor. The good times make it worthwhile. They make you want to see tomorrow, and what it could bring. Without the arguments, the tears, you wouldn’t appreciate the jokes, the smiles. It was a careful balancing game, too much of one or the other and you would be tipping precariously. She’s back at her door, her name scrawled in cursive on the blue construction paper. She stares at it, it’s imperfections. The way the ‘B’ is a little too large, the rough cut edges, extra glue peeking out from behind buttons. Jester was starting to slip, the footing under her unstable. How long she had been staying inches from the edge didn’t matter. She was going to fall at some point, and Beau knew she’d be there to catch her. But for now, she was gonna make this work. Fjord was too important to both of them to let this go the way it was heading.

She knocks and turns the knob, slowly entering the room. Jester is making her bed, pulling up the comfortable and rearranging the blankets. She looks nervous and jumps when Beau clears her throat from the doorway. 

“Nice outfit”

Jester looks down at the clothes she’s wearing as if she hadn’t put them on a few minutes earlier. A pair of Beau’s leggings and an old Cobalt Soul Gym sweatshirt she had forgotten she had packed. She looks up, her cheeks darkening. It’s endearing, and Beau smiles through the butterflies in her stomach. She moves over to the bed as Jester sets the pillows upright, and sits, crossing her legs. Jester stands, uncomfortable, in the middle of the room, her arms tight against her chest.

“What did he say?”

“He just asked if you were with me, and then if we wanted to grab lunch…”

She trails off. Jester’s chest heaving up and down. Her eyes closed tight against the coming tears. She swallows thickly, the pent up emotion threatening to consume her.

“...He’s not mad at me?”

Beau softens and offers her hands, which Jester takes and squeezes a little too hard.

“No Jes, he’s not mad at you.”

He never was.

She sniffles, “I’m gonna have to talk with him about this aren’t I?”

“Yeah, that’s probably for the best”

“You’ll be there. Right Beau?”

As much as she doesn’t want to come between them, she can’t refuse. It’s not only Jester, it’s Fjord too. She’d do what needed to be done for either of them.

“Sure, if you want me there”

Jester loosens her grip and squeezes once.

“Yeah, I do”

“Then I’ll be there. Now how about we get something to eat”

Jester nods, a smile ghosting across her face. Beau sends a quick message to Fjord, who promptly replies that he’s already secured a table. She chuckles, as if they needed to fight for seating when a grand total of 20 people were still on campus. She changes quickly, throwing on her jacket and grabbing her beanie. As she’s locking the door, Jester grabs her hand again, interlacing their fingers. It’s warm, and Beau is just as glad for the reassurance as Jester is.

“You ready?”

A gentle squeeze.

“Yeah, I’m ready.”

-

The dining hall is deserted save for the half-orc already seated at one of the tables. It’s weird, she thinks, throwing a small wave to Fjord, for a place they’ve always seen packed with people to be so empty. They greet the two ladies serving food and order. The silence is palpable, and when they grab their trays and take their seats across from Fjord, it becomes almost unbearable. They’re picking at their food, both sides refusing to say the first word. It feels like a vacuum, the sounds muted against the rush of blood in her veins. Beau’s about to make some excuse up about working on some artistic endeavour or something to give Jester some more time to think, when the other’s hand finds hers under the table. She takes it, giving Jester the courage she needs.

“Fjord I’m-” “Jester I ju-”, they both started, eliciting a nervous laugh, the awkward stretch of silence now broken. Sound floods in, the grill, the heater working to maintain an ambient temperature, even the buzz of the light fixtures. They laugh again, this time stronger, Fjord fiddling with his cup, refusing to make eye contact.

Beau can’t help but roll her eyes. They were two fools in love, it was almost disgusting. But she’s there to support Jester, and Fjord to an extent. She’s a neutral middle man if the need arises. No matter how much her heart pleads, she can’t pick a side. She’s about to get up and refill her cup, give them space, when Jester turns to her, eyes wide and uncertain. She nods, she’s here. Jester turns back to Fjord as he looks up, their eyes finally meeting.

“Look, Jester, what I said last night was out of turn. It was wrong of me to call you that, and to bring up-” He glances at Beau and hesitates- “All the other stuff. I wasn’t in a good place and I took it out on you. I’m not trying to say that as an excuse, or to justify my actions. It wasn’t right to do that to you, and I’m truly sorry.”

So something else was brought up. Beau doesn’t want to push anything, and stays quiet. Jester tenses a bit next to her, gripping her hand tighter. She runs her thumb over her knuckles subconsciously.

“I… accept your apology, and I’m sorry too. It was irresponsible of me to just leave like that, and not tell you I was okay”

“I mean, I was a real piece of work last night. I wouldn’t have wanted to be around me either.”

“That’s okay...”

Jester takes her hand out of Beau’s and reaches across to Fjord. She immediately misses the pressure. Rubbing her palm on her pant leg as if that can wipe away the buzz in her heart, the thrum in her veins.. They’re talking in hushed tones and Beau can only make out snippets of the conversation. She feels awkward, the grain of the table suddenly becoming much more interesting. The whorls spiralling out and rejoining further along. She’s spent a lot of time staring at casks to find the smallest details interesting.

She lets it go on for a few more moments, trying not to listen. Her stomach turns, and she isn’t sure if it’s from the dining hall’s food or something else. The tightness in her chest telling her that she’s overstepping. That she needs to leave, and should have left at any of the other points before. She finds some relief standing up and stretching. Collecting her things, she brings her plate and cup to the tray return. Taking her time getting back to the table. The closer she gets, the heavier her legs feel. Time seems to slow as she watches them exchange a quick kiss. Her head gets foggy, and she doesn’t remember saying goodbye before she’s almost sprinting out the door.

The cold air hits her, and clears her head enough for her to orient herself towards her dorm. It was stupid. She knew this was what would happen, and she didn’t understand why she felt so dirty just being there. Of course Jester had asked her to stay, how could she have said no? She’s pulling her keys out and unlocking the door to the stairwell without thinking, her mind running rampant. Things were never this difficult before. They were always simple, one night stands. She knew that repeat offences would only weigh her down. Felt that she was never meant for an actual relationship. Forever destined to move from one person to the next. But something kept pulling her back to Jester. She’s changing into gym clothes, ready to spend the next few hours punching something. That always seemed to allow her the patience to actually go through her thoughts.

She empties her head on the walk over, refusing to acknowledge anything before she can connect with the bag. The rec center is empty, the only other person around is the front desk guy, who just nods and gestures for Beau to enter. He’s seen her too many times to bother swiping her card, instead typing her ID in manually before returning to his reading. She’s glad she doesn’t have to talk to him. She doesn’t know if she has words in her to even go through the motions of small talk

The silence of the work out room gives her the chance to breathe. She sets her bag down and sits down to stretch. She warms up methodically, quadriceps and her legs first, then her core, working her way up to her shoulders. It’s nice, systematically working through the tension of each of her muscles until they become soft and pliable, ready to work. If only she could do the same to her brain, wring it out until it became nice and supple. She signs, strapping her ankle supports and beginning to wrap her hands.

No sooner does she finish the velcro is she hitting the bag. Swift and hard, a jab landing right in the middle. The weight is satisfying, her mind clearer than it has been in the past 24 hours. She came here for a reason. This time a kick, the bag rebounding from the strike. She continues, move after move, giving into instinct, and allowing her brain the room to consider what exactly she’s feeling. What she’s been putting off this entire semester.

She starts with the basics, what she knows:

One, Fjord and Jester are her friends. Really great friends that have been there for her, even when she thought she didn’t deserve them. She would be there for them too, along with the rest of their group. 

Two, Jester and Fjord had their first real fight. They had been together 3 years and never had an actual argument before. Apparently something had been boiling under the surface, as a few words had almost snapped them in two. 

Three, Beau didn’t know what else Fjord had said to Jester, but it had hit her hard. She’s not sure what could perturb Jester that much. She didn’t seem to have much that bothered her, at least not outright.

She’s starting to sweat now, the tank top damp and sticking to her back. She opts to take it off, sure that no one else is around to care. She takes a swig of water and returns to the mat, positioning herself in front of the punching bag. Legs and arms assuming the position as if she had never left it. The first swing connects.

Four, Jester had come to her after this fall out. She was the first person that she thought of, and that feeling hadn’t left Beau’s head. Jester had picked her first.

Five, she knows the way Jester looks at Fjord when he’s not paying attention. How her eyes soften as if nobody else in the world existed. The slight wrinkle at the corners of her eyes as she tries not to smile.

The bag feels heavier with every hit, but she powers through.

Six, she secretly wishes Jester would look at her like that.

Seven, she would never break the two of them up.

Eight, she loves Jester just as everyone does.

Nine, she loves Jester, like no one else does.

The thought passes through her mind and she falters, her punch grazing the side of the bag. She finally stops, her muscles screaming, sweat pouring down her face. She sits down on the mat, leaning back on her arms. The fluorescent lights become too much and she closes her eyes against them. These feelings are too much for her, but they come nevertheless. Her mind is a torrent of wants.

She wants to hold Jester’s hand whenever she can. Wants to be intertwined with her every night. Arms and legs tangled together, her tail wrapped around her ankle. Wants to kiss her. To make her smile, and laugh, and feel loved every minute of the day. Wants to know if she would be enough to be all of that for her.

But her wants don’t matter. Not all of them anyways. She’s not here to push the envelope. Fjord is too important to her, Jester is too important. She’ll keep playing along, keep up the charade of her indifference. She supports them with every fiber of her being. She can’t ruin her friendship because of a stupid crush. 

Besides, she doesn’t even know if Jester likes girls. Doesn’t even know that if she did, if she would like Beau that way. This uncertainty was too much, it was why she never got close to anyone. The pain was easier to handle if you knew nothing more than their name. Her muscles are tensing again, the workout enough to get her thinking, but not enough to ease her thoughts. She sighs ready to stand under a hot shower for way longer than necessary. Ready to drink enough to subdue the thoughts, when someone else clears their throat.

She jumps up quickly, arms raised in a defensive posture, only to find Keg standing 10 feet away, towel in hand. She relaxes, arms hanging

“Hey… Beau”, she falters, hand coming up to rub her undercut, “Haven’t seen you in a hot minute, how’ve ya been?”

Beau doesn’t even think, just moves. Her body isn’t her own anymore. She’s been pushing off thinking for longer than she should have. Now that she’s taken the time to look into herself, she doesn’t like what she sees. Doesn’t like the way the light shines on her, all sharp angles. She gets close to Keg and crashes their lips together in a bruising kiss. The smaller woman steps back to gain footing, before meeting Beau in the middle. 

They part breathless, foreheads touching. All of the thoughts gone from Beau’s mind except for one. She wants this. No, she needs this. Someone under her who isn’t going to make her head spin or her heart stutter. Or someone on top of her, she’s not picky. All that matters is that she doesn’t have to consider every move she makes. She moves in for another kiss, this one much shorter as she breaks away, eyelids heavy. 

“Before security comes and kicks us out, let’s get back to my place, yeah?”

Keg can only nod, and Beau is quickly unwinding her wraps and throwing on her jacket. This is what she knows. This is what she’s familiar with. The walk is short, her dorm not far from campus. The room is dark, and Keg tastes like old cigarettes and salt. She’s strong, and it takes all of Beau’s mental capacity to not think. Not of the way Fjord holds Jester. Not how Jester’s lips brushed over her collarbone, soft and light. How they felt in contrast to Keg’s rough mouth. She needs to release herself, to get out of her own head. She can’t say she didn’t enjoy it when it’s over. Keg lighting another cigarette and offering Beau drag. It fills her lungs and she feels like she’s drowning.

The goodbye is awkward and stilted, Beau not quite pushing Keg out. The door closes and she’s by herself again. It was what she needed in the moment. Another body to compensate. But now that it’s gone, she’s never felt more alone. Her mind continues to wander unbidden into territory she can’t stop it in. Keg was nice, sure. A quick fuck to get her blood going. But it wasn’t what she really wanted. It wasn’t who she really wanted. 

It’s not hard to define now, the feeling that swirls in the depths of her heart.

She wished it was Jester.

Jester underneath her.

On top of her.

Or neither.

It didn't matter.

She just wants it to be Jester.


	5. i see you in my dreams (slow motion movie scenes)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Girls in Bikinis - Poppy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Kinda fell off the face of the Earth these past couple of weeks. I haven't had the energy to really write lately, with all that is going on. I'm not going to directly link any fundraisers here, but a good place to start is msha.ke/megmccarthy28, there's resources and ways to help, if you're not sure what to do. I want y'all to know that the intolerance and blatant racism shown not only these past weeks but years and decades is deplorable and black lives matter, black LGBTQ+ lives matter, especially with pride month here. Sign petitions, call your mayors and senators, uplift the voices of those who have been silenced for so long. 
> 
> I just want everyone to know my stance on this issue. 
> 
> Otherwise, this chapter is much longer than the ones I've written before, it really got away from me this time. I hope you enjoy and that this extra long chapter can make up for the time I was off! Thank you everyone for reading, commenting, everything. I really appreciate it! 
> 
> ps. I'm also going to moving to a every other week schedule to update, just so I don't feel rushed to keep up, but have somewhat of a schedule. However, if I get the writing bug with the next couple of chapters, it may be every week. Basically, I plan on every other but I may pop some chapters in every week if I get them done!

Fjord and Jester’s flight is scheduled for the next morning, and Beau manages to drag herself out of bed to meet them for breakfast. It was the last time she was going to see anyone from their group for the next few weeks. Plus, she had pretty much run from them the day before, too caught up in her own shit. She needed to make sure they knew she was okay. At least superficially. The dining hall is much busier this morning, with 2 other students sitting at one of the high tops. She can’t help the laugh that escapes her teeth at the prospects of having such little contact. Yeah, she wasn’t the most popular person in high school or even college for that matter, and spent a lot of her time alone, but now most of her days were filled with at least one other person, if not a whole group. The prospect of the coming loneliness worries her. She obviously doesn’t fare well when she’s alone with her thoughts.

She sighs, she’ll cross that bridge when she gets to it. Fjord and Jester are kicking the snow off their boots as she gets up. Beau throws them a small wave and points to the table with her jacket before going to order her breakfast. They’re close behind her when she gets her food, the plate is hot enough to just be uncomfortable to hold. She grips it tighter. Keeps herself grounded.

They all sit there. It’s awkward, of course it would be. They had fought, she had all but ran. It was bound to be tense. But they slip into relative ease after a few minutes of small talk. Fjord makes her promise to start including him in more of her workouts, even vowing to wake up for some before the sun is up. Jester’s rattling off a list of things she has planned for when she gets back home. She pauses and looks thoughtful.

“Hey Beau? You still wanna come home with me right?”

The eggs she’s chewing turn chalky in her mouth. It takes all of her concentration to keep them down after she swallows. It’s not the first topic she expected them to broach, but it definitely was on the list.

“Yeah Jester, I still wanna come”

Jester’s eyes light up at the confirmation and she happily continues eating, her tail swishing back and forth. Of course she was still going, they were still her friends. Whatever feelings she had, she would figure out and pack away over break. She would be ready for whatever hijinks they would get into on Jester’s turf. Fjord chuckles and catches Beau’s gaze out of the corner of his eye. His face sombers, and he clears his throat.

“Beau, we just wante- shit!”

His words are interrupted as Jester’s tail thwacks him loudly under the table. She smiles at Beau, all canines, before turning to Fjord and giving him a pointed look. She furrows her brows, was Fjord asking if she was alright? Or was he going to bring up something else? Maybe he had figured out her true feelings and wanted to confront her about it. He wouldn’t do that here though, would he? She catches Jester whispering something to Fjord, but can’t make out the exact words. She feels like she’s underwater, the only thing anchoring her the half finished plate of food.

“Look, guys, I’m fine okay?” She doesn’t look up to gauge their reaction, knowing full well both are looking her way, “I’m sorry for yesterday, I just had a lot going through my head and needed some fresh air.”

It’s not the most convincing argument, but it’s the closest to the truth she’s willing to get. She brings her eyes up and they both look concerned. Jester moves to reach out for her, but decides against it, and let’s her hands fall back to her lap. She lets out a sigh, this is exactly what she didn’t want, pity. She puts on her best smile. Knows it fits her like a pair of well worn pants and hopes they don’t look to close for the rips and tears.

“Really, I promise everything is okay.”

They share a glance.

“You know we’re here for you Beau”, Jester says, a hand coming up to fidget with the collar of her sweater.

Fjord clears his throat, “If you ever need someone”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Can we skip this mushy stuff? I just wanna spend some time with you guys before I’m here for the next month all alone”

She draws out the fact that they were all leaving her to deflect the conversation further. It works like a charm, Fjord rolling his eyes and laughing. Jester fake pouts, bottom lip pushed out.

“Sure thing, now c’mon ”, he lightly knuckles Jester’s shoulder, “We finished eating and ready to spend a-”, he checks his phone “an hour with our dear friend Beau?

The tension in the air is gone, and Beau feels like she can breathe again. She looks back down at the cold eggs and syrup-soaked waffles and decides she’s had enough breakfast. This break would be good for her. Proximity does funny things to emotions, and she needs space.

“Yeah, I’m done, you guys still need a ride?”

-

They take a walk after breakfast, which soon devolves into a snowball fight in the brisk air. They’re out of breath and laughing by the time they make it to Fjord and Jester’s dorm. Beau’s topknot is just about falling out of it’s tie, and Jester and Fjord sport several patches of melted snow. She says a quick goodbye and heads back to get her truck. It was old, beat up, and didn’t have reliable air-conditioning, but it was hers. She had bought it with her own money from a farmer down the road. Pretty much rebuilt it from the ground up. It was hard work, but it was worth it to have something her father couldn’t hold against her. She has to try a few times to start it before it rumbles to life.

She picks up Jester and Fjord and helps them load their luggage under the cover of the bed of the truck. Jester calls shotgun before Fjord has lifted his suitcase. She hurries to the door before he can protest, fiddling with the radio knobs before settling on a channel with nonstop holiday music. The drive to the airport isn’t long, maybe 20 minutes, but it’s comfortable. They make some small talk, but the cabin is mostly filled with the sound of each song promising presents and snow and kisses under mistletoe. Jester sings along to most as she watches the passing scenery, Beau and Fjord humming along every so often. 

The airport is in sight before they know it, and Jester is bouncing out of the passenger seat before the car has totally stopped. Beau laughs to herself. She really is gonna miss them. She’s unbuckling her own seat belt when she feels a hand on her arm. She stiffens for a moment, and then relaxes when she realizes it’s Fjord. He’s still in the car, and he’s giving her a concerned look, eyebrows knitted together. His hand is warm, even through her jacket.

“Look we would’ve-” His expression shifts to disbelief as he looks at where his hand rests on her arm, “Shit, your delts are crazy”.

She snorts, “Thank you”.

“Seriously though, you need us and we’ll be here faster than a hot knife through butter, and you know why?”

He looks at her expectantly, and she can’t help but avoid his gaze. She feels trapped without actually being trapped. There’s no stakes here, but she doesn’t want to admit what they all know. Jester calls from the bed of the truck, and Fjord gives Beau another look that tells her he wants this between them for now. She rolls her eyes, slipping into the role of a rebellious child. 

“Because we care about each other”

“Oh shit, we do?”, the joke falls flat, a little too much emotion behind it. He softens, and squeezes her arm, “Seriously though, if you need something call one of us, Caleb, Caduceus, hell even Molly or Yasha.”

She knows her cheeks are flushed, and not from the cold creeping in. She can’t find the words to respond, her throat tight. Fjord simply pats her on the shoulder, and gets out just as Jester comes around the side of the truck. She had already gotten all of their luggage out, her own pink backpack and Fjord’s duffel bag on her shoulders, and both suitcases trailing behind her. Beau rolls down her window as Fjord takes his stuff.

“Hey, have fun guys, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do! Or do, I don’t control you”

She’s trying to be chipper, but Fjord’s words felt like a punch in the gut. Of course they would care for her as much as she cared for them. But it was so much easier to assume they didn’t. That they wouldn’t miss her if she left. She could be brash and abrasive, cold even. But they had stayed. Maybe she should talk to someone about this. The thought crosses her mind as Jester gasps, an insulted look on her face.

“We’d never do something like that”, She smiles and winks, “At least not without you!”

Beau’s heart feels a little lighter when she laughs. Deep down she knew that they had all cared for each other more than anyone would let on. That’s just how their oddball group worked. 

“Take care now”

Fjord pats the open window, their eyes meeting for just a beat too long. Beau refuses to break eye contact. Trying to convince him that she’s okay. Maybe to convince herself as well. Jester tugs at his hand and he looks away, throwing a small wave before they enter the airport.

Beau sits in her truck a moment longer before rolling up her window. The drive back is too quiet. She cranks up the radio and blasts songs from the 80’s, singing at the top of her lungs. It’s cathartic. She doesn’t want the moment to end and drives around town for a bit. The music quieting the thoughts in her head.

When she finally parks the car, she has a few missed texts from Jester. She opens it and is greeted with a picture of Jester from the eyes up with Fjord asleep in the background, arms crossed. The messages following the picture read:

Jessie: Fjord already fell asleep >.<. How am I going to make it through this flight ???

Jessie: Hey Beau.

Jessie: I miss you already…

Beau: Miss you too Jess

Beau: You still have those markers in your bag?

The little bubble pops up for a moment then disappears. She gets back into her dorm and changes into more comfortable clothes before her phone pings again. There’s another picture of Fjord in almost the same position, save for a dark swirly mustache drawn on. The message simply has a smiling devil emoji. Beau can’t help but laugh, the bubble popping up again.

Jessie: Don’t worry, it’s washable ;P

Beau: Oh Fjord is gonna LOVE that. Let me know what he thinks

She puts her phone back down and lays on the bed. She still feels tense with the thoughts that swirl around her mind. But for now it’s okay. Things are gonna be alright.

-

The break passes relatively quickly for Beau. She takes the time to get back into meditation, allowing her mind to calm and her body to follow. Combined with frequent excursions to the gym, she feels better by the second week. No longer compressed like a spring ready to recoil at the slightest touch. Their group chat almost always has some sort of conversation going on, typically led by Jester and Veth egging each other on. Occasionally there’s a picture of flowers or some plant sent by Caduceus that brings Yasha more into the conversation. It’s peaceful, having this distance, but it’s not something she wants forever.

The only thing that throws her off comes in the form of a letter under her door. One side bears notes about some war, scrawled in large letters, every other word spelled wrong. The other side is addressed to “Bo” in the same handwriting. Most of the letter is crossed out, making it almost illegible, save for a large “Thanks” and the signature “-Keg”. She wasn’t expecting something like this, and it’s kind of endearing. She tucks the letter into her desk and continues with her day, reminding herself to get Keg’s number one of these days.

Soon classes are resuming, and one by one, students begin filling the dorms. The solitude was nice, but she’s glad to have living breathing people around again. Even if it means that Molly comes barging into her room the minute he’s back on campus, Yasha trailing awkwardly behind. He flops onto her bed, tail flicking back and forth like an interested cat.

“Sooooooo, how was your break? Anything exciting happen?” 

She gives him the most deadpan expression, but can’t hold it for long. She glances over at Yasha, who takes a seat in the wooden papasan they had found at a thrift store, back stiff. Their eyes meet, and she gives Beau the smallest smile. Man she really missed these guys.

-

The start of the semester is relatively smooth, the group falls into place with ease. Jester almost immediately starts planning for spring break. Her mom was gracious enough to tell them not to worry about food or accommodations. Letting them know through Jester that she would take care of that. All they needed to drive there, and bring anything extra that they might want to have. This of course included swimwear, which Jester brought up to the group at dinner one night. Most of the group was too busy to find time for all of them to go out at once, however Jester seemed to have a plan. Her eyes glinted mischievously as she fell quiet among the chatter of the group. Less than a week later, everyone had received a neatly wrapped package left at their door. Beau opened hers to find a pair of navy swim shorts and a matching bandeau top with a V of gold. She tries it on and approves, wondering just how Jester knew her size, and if this was true for everyone else.

The weeks pass quickly, and soon midterms are in full swing. As fast as the beginning of the semester seemed, the final days filled with exams are comparable to molasses. The promise of a whole week without assignments or studying an oasis in the midst of professors trying to cram information into overflowing brains. Beau can barely sit through her last exam, psychology. She wasn’t one to sit still, and even as she wracks her brain to remember the cortexes of the brain, her leg is bouncing restlessly under the table. The other two people sat with her giving her annoyed looks before continuing their own tests. She ignores them, and finishes what she can before turning it in. Not her best work, but she could make up for it with the final.

She’s finally free and heading for her dorm to grab her stuff. The plan is to meet at Caduceus’ van, a beat old beat up thing from who knows how long ago. It runs, and is the only one of their vehicles that would fit all of them and their luggage. Although Beau did have to give Cad credit, he had redone the interior from the old upholstery to a newer fabric, and kept it relatively clean. He had even given Jester the go ahead to paint mushrooms growing from the tire wells up the sides of it. It all seemed so much like Caduceus, she thinks, as she loads her own bag into the back. From the woven hemp steering wheel cover to the gemstones he had in random places, it couldn’t be anyone else’s.

Soon, the luggage is packed, and they’re piled in. Windows down and music blasting, spring break has finally begun. 

-

They’re about an hour out from Nicodranas when Beau interrupts the silence.

“Hey Jester, what does your mom do anyway?”

At the mention of her mom, Jester perks up. Turning around in the front passenger seat to look over everyone, a large smile on her face.

“Well, she’s mostly known for her hmm hmm hmm, but outside of that”, She gets a dreamy look on her face, eyes crinkling in the corner as she smiles, “you should hear her sing, her voice is amazing”

Next to Beau, Caleb chimes in, his eyebrows lowered.

“Uh, what exactly does that mean?”

“What does what mean?”

“Hmm hmm hmm”

“Oh... she has sex for money”, Jester draws out the last word, “Well mostly it’s the same people. They call her the Ruby of the Sea, cuz her skin is a gorgeous red, and we live next to the sea!”

“Ah I see”, Caleb nods and returns to looking out the window, seemingly satisfied with the response. It wasn’t something anyone deemed wrong, however, it wasn’t something they expected her to talk about with such ease. It did explain a bit more about Jester’s obsession with phallic objects however.

The rest of the ride is relatively quiet again. By the time they pull up to the address Jester had tapped into her phone, the sun has already set, the last tendrils of the day receding in the distance. Caduceus parks in a spot and looks through the windshield.

“We’re, uh, in the right place right?”

“Yes! Everyone! Welcome to my home, the Lavish Chateau!”

Jester bounds out of the car and throws her arms out in front of a light blue inn. The rest of the group gets out and marvels at the structure, a rather thin building with stained glass windows framed by gold-leaf, some thrown open to show dark cerulean curtains moving softly with the breeze. White stairs lead up to a set of double doors at the front, Jester already skipping up them. They quickly collect their things and hers before following her up the steps. Fjord turning and whispering to them just as they enter.

“By the way, Jester’s mom is pretty well-known around here, so don’t be too thrown off by what you might see”.

His words only make them more eager to see what exactly he could be talking about. They open the double doors and are not disappointed at what greets them. A small band sits a little off center, playing a slow rambling piece. Wooden round tables that look as if they are made of driftwood, are arranged around the room, white silk canopying down from the rafters enclosing each into its own little world. Silver chandeliers glimmer in each corner, casting a warm glow on the occupants. At the back, two bars, each well stocked and tended to, straddle a grand staircase that splits at a small landing before continuing upward. Several of the customers turn and watch as they stand in the entrance, awestruck.

Jester returns a moment later, a young man about their age in tow. He introduces himself as Tyral and takes a few pieces of luggage before motioning them towards the steps. Jester skips beside them, tail flicking back and forth happily.

“Sooo, what do you all think?” 

Surprisingly, Veth is the first to chime in, eyes fixated on the flickering chandeliers.

“It’s beautiful”

“I used to run up and down these stairs at night when no one was around”

“Oh, uh, so we don’t get this wrong, or call her miss Ruby, what is your mom’s name. Ms. Lavorre, Mrs. Lavorre?”

Jester turns and starts going up the stairs backwards, her stride never breaking.

“Marion would probably be fine. Oh! She’s going to be singing tonight, we can grab a table and watch! I never really got to do that before!”

“You… never got to see your mother perform?” Beau asks, one eyebrow raised.

“I mean I’ve seen her, and heard her sing of course, but people don’t like seeing children around places like this. And Mama always asked me to keep in my room, so I did!”

Jester flips back around at the second floor, and begins moving up another flight to the third floor. There’s a few looks between the group at her words, but they keep moving as well, not wanting to ask the wrong questions. The top floor mirrors the one below, save for two doors near the end of the hallway. While the wood of the other doors resembled the seaworn grain of driftwood, these doors seemed to have been stained. One a light red almost pink, the other a pale blue. Tyral procures several keys that he distributes among them before returning to the ground floor.

“So… how are we splitting up?” 

“Well, I was thinking 2 to a room, probably Yasha and Molly, Veth and Caleb, and then Cad and Fjord. Beau you can room with me!”

Beau starts for a second, looking around to gauge what the others think. Most of whom are nodding and pairing up to start putting their stuff away. Even Fjord is alright with the arrangements, already talking to Caduceus about the Mother’s Lighthouse or something. She looks back over and finds Jester’s face way too close to hers, a giant smile on her face. She grabs her hand and pulls her to the blue door, excitedly talking about the city.

Her room is almost exactly what Beau expected it to be, albeit much cleaner than she first thought. Taking up the majority of the room is a four poster bed, thin curtains billowing in the night breeze coming off the ocean through the open windows. A vanity is against one wall, small charcoal portraits of what seem to be patrons of the Lavish Chateau taped to the mirror. Near the window is a chest next to an easel, blank canvases waiting to be adorned with pencil and oil paints. In some places swirling designs curl and crest like rolling waves breaching on a sandy beach.

It’s nice, and homely, and very much Jester. She sets her bag down and looks out towards the docks, the few workers still moving around in the lamplight. Taking a deep breath of the salty air, she stretches, her back popping more than it probably should. She turns back around and finds Jester staring. They lock eyes, neither dropping their gaze.

“So Beau, do you like it?”

“Yeah, it’s really nice. I can’t wait to get to the beach”

“Oh, I’m so glad you’re here” She jumps off the bed, and crushes Beau in one of her signature hugs, pulling back and grabbing her hand, she tugs her to the door, “Now c’mon we need to get a good table to watch Mama”

They regroup back on the first floor and manage to find a table just as it starts getting busy. Many of the people stand to watch, drinks in hand. They make idle chatter before the lights flicker causing an expectant hush to fall over everyone. They collectively hold their breath as a beautiful red tiefling picks her way down the steps, a flowing lavender gown trailing her. Deep red locks framing her face and horns in such a way that she almost looks like royalty, crowned by her own features. The Ruby of the Sea was more than any of them had expected.

When she reaches the last step, she gives a gentle wave to those gathered, and centers herself. She begins to sing, soft and full, her voice just as beautiful as her appearance. She takes her time walking around the tables, hands reaching out to her at some, dollars placed at the edge of others. She reaches their table, and throws a wink to Jester, who almost looks like she could cry, the love for her mother plainer than the sun in the sky.

As quick as she started, the song is over, and she’s taking the stairs again. People begin to disperse, some taking their leave and others moving to the two bars. Jester gets them up again and walks quickly to the staircase. She takes them two at a time, the other’s rushing to follow. She’s knocking at the red door just as they crest the top. It opens, and Marion is standing there, no longer dressed in the long gown, but rather comfortable in an off white robe.

“My little sapphire, I am so happy to see you, even if it wasn’t that long ago that you were home” She notices the rest of the group and motions into her room, “Come in, come in please, make yourself at home”

Her room is comfortably decorated, a large bed taking up the majority of it, while several plush chairs and a vanity commandeer the rest of the room. There is another set of doors thrown open to a balcony and the sounds of the night. It is warm and inviting and they can’t help but take the glass of wine that Marion offers to each of them.

They make small talk for a good portion of the night. Marion is as warm and inviting as her room, pausing and laughing at all the right places, asking questions that somehow get a little more truth out of the answer. They’re more than a little tipsy when she bids them goodnight. Caleb stops for a moment in the doorway.

“Would you like to accompany us out tomorrow, to the beach perhaps?”

She smiles gently at him, her eyes betraying the sadness absent from her voice, “Oh no, that’s really alright, I don’t leave much. You should all have fun, and please, while you are here, you are my guests. If you need something, let me know. Enjoy it for me, have a wonderful night”

She closes the door, and Beau notices that Caleb watches it for a moment more before turning back to his room. He knew better than to pry, still a little pushing might not hurt,

-

The sun is bright the next day, white puffy clouds meander in the bright blue expanse of the sky. It’s a perfect day to visit the beach and wander the town. Armed with floaties and beach balls, swimsuits peeking out from shirts and shorts, they’re ready to take on the waves. Jester directs Caduceus through the streets, ignoring the big signs declaring how to get to the beach. They get off the main roads and wind through a residential area, eventually stopping at a small secluded parking lot. Willow trees bend over the spots, sunlight dappling through the leaves.

They gather their things and Jester leads them through a gap in the bushes and trees to a small beach. Only a few umbrellas stake out the sand, a couple of children splashing in the water, as parents lounge. They set up their own spot, towels and blankets, and a rather large umbrella Caleb had insisted they bring.

“Jester, this is really nice. How’d you find it?”

“Oh, well, Fjord and I were exploring one day and found it, and it’s always been way quieter than the other beaches so we mostly come here now!”

Fjord smiles next to her, “Yeah, though you can’t beat the boardwalk and their food, we’ll have to hit them up later if everyone’s up to it.”

There’s an assorted nodding of heads and verbal agreements to the prospect of greasy food truck fare. That it is later, and right now, they have the whole day ahead of them. But before they can start, Jester insists that everyone applies sunscreen at least one. Pulling out her puppy dog face and stating that it wouldn’t be any fun if half of them got burnt and didn’t want to do anything else.

She takes a large glob of lotion and slaps it on Beau’s back just as she’s taking her shirt off. It’s cold and she whirls on a laughing Jester, fake anger in her voice.

“Hey! What was that for, I wasn’t even ready!”

“Well, we have to start somewhere, and you looked like an easy target”, she simply smiles at Beau, “Okay! Everyone get some sunscreen on you, or I’ll do it!”

At that she takes another handful and smears it on Beau’s lower back, who, for her own part, almost jumps out of her skin. Begrudgingly, they start passing around the bottle, wanting to be out in the waves, and not really caring about sunburn. Jester starts working on Beau’s back, and she’s trying not to hyperventilate. But Jester is touching her, not in a weird way of course, this is almost the least sensual thing, especially after seeing her mother sing last night. But her hands are deft and gentle, working quickly on her back and shoulders. Jester moves in front of her, and Beau feels like she’s suffocating on the smell of coconut as she works on her face.

She doesn’t know how she makes it out alive, but she does, and she immediately finds herself with the bottle of lotion in her hand, and Jester’s back to her. She’s in a small white and pink striped bikini, and Beau has never been more aware of everything. How her hands move across the blue skin dabbled with darker freckles. The way Jester tries to control her giggles in the more ticklish areas. The small curls of baby hairs that didn’t quite make it into the double braids her mother had placed in her hair this morning. She tries not to think, her mind hazy as she works the lotion into her shoulders. When it’s over, she makes some excuse about keeping up with her meditation, and takes a towel to a little rocky outcropping.

She knows she’s being a little weird, but she hopes she buys the excuse. It was sort of true. She was trying to keep up with the mindfulness, trying to keep her own thoughts at bay. The place she picks looks over most of the beach. It’s far enough away that she doesn’t have to worry about the other’s but close enough that she could get back to them quickly. She settles down on the towel and tries to empty her mind. Turns her thoughts to the even rhythm of the waves as they reach for land and recede back into the depths. The gulls and their piercing calls as pinpricks of light. The warmth of the sun above and the rocks below. She takes a deep breath. Holds it. Exhales.

It’s not working.

She closes her eyes tighter, willing her thoughts to give in. But she’s too worked up, there’s too much happening down below. To no avail they won’t give. She’s too caught up in herself to notice someone sneak up the hill. A cool spray of water hitting her in the small of her back. She jumps and wheels around only to see Jester, water gun in hand, sprinting down the hill. She glances back, a challenge, and Beau tears after her, meditation forgotten. Physical activities would get her mind off it as much as mindful would.

They startle a flock of seagulls pecking around the sand that Veth seemed to be stalking? Beau isn’t sure, but the halfling throws her the stink eye before going to sit under the umbrella with Caleb. She focuses back on Jester and makes a quick detour to grab a water gun of her own before bearing down on her. She’s gaining quickly, but the sea is approaching just as fast. Jester is already kicking up the salty spray. It’s cold as she enters, and she takes the opportunity to start filling her own weapon. She’s hit from the side, and notices green skin just as it disappears under an incoming wave. She’s outnumbered two to one but she’s not going down without a fight.

Beau manages to recruit Yasha and Molly who had been lounging near the edge of the water, while Fjord and Jester got Caduceus on board. It was going well, Beau’s side taking the upperhand, when she glanced over at Molly and got a face full of water. Her eyes burned from the salinity, she looked towards Yasha, but it was too late. It was everyone for themselves. She’s trying to protect herself when she notices Jester try to sneak up on her from under the water. 

She’s quicker this time, fully expecting someone to try something on her. She dodges out of the way and manages to get behind Jester just as she surfaces. She lets her catch her breath before she brings her arms around the tiefling’s waist and throws her weight backwards and submerges them both. They come back up sputtering, Jester turns and Beau grabs her hands as they reach out. They struggle for a minute, both laughing too hard for anyone to get the upper hand, before an idea clicks in both their heads.

“Chicken?” Jester asks, a grin growing on her face.

“Chicken” Beau answers.

She braces herself as Jester dives under and lifts her up on her shoulders. They start moving to the others who have started dispersing. Fjord notices what they’re doing and nudges Molly, who simply shrugs and allows fjord to lift him up. They get into position, Yasha coming over to be the judge. She throws down her hand and Jester and Fjord surge forward, Beau and Molly’s hands crashing together. 

They’re at a standstill for a moment, neither side willing to give an inch. Beau feels Jester repositioning under her, her stance lowering, as she readies to push against the other pair. She grips Beau’s thighs tighter, and she does everything in her power to stay focused on Molly. He meets her gaze and winks at her. She only narrows her gaze before pushing back, Jester supporting her. He’s caught off guard and tipping backwards before Fjord can readjust under him. The pair crashing into the water, Beau and Jester laughing and victorious.

After the chicken fight, the rest of the day is rather calm, everyone too tired from messing around in the water to do much more than laze around in the warmth. It’s a nice reprieve from the cooler weather to the north, and they take advantage of it. However, the sun is soon setting and casting out hints of oranges and pinks. They pack up and head to the boardwalk for dinner. It’s crowded, but the food tastes better after a day at the beach. They walk around for a bit marvelling at the attractions, dunk tanks, feats of strength, anything they could want to do. Beau finds Jester looking wistfully at the ferris wheel, but she turns and puts on a smile as she approaches. 

They spend a few hours playing the games, winning silly prizes like foam swords, and small stuffed animals, until the vendors start closing. The lights of the stands going out like stars in the morning. They’re exhausted and running off the energy of the night when they get back to the Lavish Chateau. Marion is nowhere to be found, at least within the common areas of the inn. They say their goodnights and retreat to their respective rooms. Beau lets Jester wash up first, taking the time to rearrange the pillows and blankets she had used for her bed the night before.

She finishes up as the tiefling opens the door, towel draped over her shoulders, hair still damp. Beau moves and takes her turn in the shower. Letting the warm water wash over her and remove the sand and salt from the day. It stings a little bit, and she moves to the large mirror to find her back tinged red. Jester really wasn’t kidding about the sunscreen. She wraps a towel around her, not wanting to pull on a shirt.

“Hey Jess…” She waits for a response.

“Yeah, Beau?”

“Could you bring some aloe or something in here?”

It takes a minute before Jester knocks on the door and slowly opens it. Beau can only give her a guilty grin before turning and showing her back. Jester only tsks and places her hand just above her skin. 

“This is gonna be cold okay?”

Beau nods and shivers as the gel touches her back. It cools her almost instantly and she relaxes into Jester’s hand. She closes her eyes and almost falls asleep right there, only waking up when Jester pops the cap back on the bottle and reaches for her shirt. She helps her put it back on, careful of the stickiness of her back.

They turn off the light and get back into their beds, neither one quite ready for bed. Jester shifts several times, trying to get comfortable. She gives up and sighs before rolling over to face Beau.

“Can we play the thoughts game?”

Beau is careful of her sunburn, and turns to Jester. She can barely make out the tiefling’s outline in the light filtering in through the curtains. They hadn’t played that game since they first met. It was something they made up to try and get to know each other. The first person said a word that was on their mind, and then the next person continued with their own thought they associate with the last one. This goes on until someone gets bored enough to stop, or they fall asleep.

“Sure, you start”

“Uhhhhhh, the beach”

That was predictable, but Beau plays along and they go back and forth, the night wearing on. Jester is typically pretty loud with her answers, always ready to say the first thing that pops into her head. So when she mumbles one of her answers, it throws Beau off guard. She thought she had heard Jeser say something, but she didn’t trust herself.

“Wait, what did you say?”

“Hmm?” Jester intones, “Well uh…”

She rushes her words again and Beau still can’t quite make them out. She furrows her brow and tries to make out Jester’s face in the darkness, but to no avail. Jester is thankful for the darkness, how it hides the flush of her cheeks.

“Jess, you don’t have to say it if you don’t want to”, Beau softens her voice, “But I would never say anything”.

Jester closes her eyes tight and hurries through the words again, but this time, Beau can make them out.

“Girls in bikinis”

She almost chokes on air. Her heart skipping a beat at what it could mean. Her mind is already moving, trying to make sense of it, when Jester chimes back in.

“You know, on roller skates, ohhhh, in outer space!”

She winces at her own words, she knows she’s reaching but she needs to deflect right now. Beau shifts on the floor, their thoughts zooming in opposite directions. Of course Jester would have something like that on her mind. She was always thinking up wacky scenarios. But a small part of her brain tries to tell her different. Tries to say there’s another meaning beneath her words. She tucks it away, it didn’t matter anyway.

“Huh, that definitely would be interesting…”

Beau mumbles, trying to imagine the scenario. She chuckles and turns away from Jester with a yawn. It was late, and the day had taken a lot out of her. She really needed to sleep if she was going to be in a good mood tomorrow.

“G’night Jess, I don’t think I’m gonna make it much longer”

Jester listens until Beau’s breathing evens out. She sighs and massages her hands into her temples. Pressing deep until the pressure in her skull releases. She hadn’t meant to say it, and to Beau of all people. Yeah, they were friends. Best friends even. But she wasn’t comfortable with it herself, and she didn’t want to burden anyone with her worries. She tries to get comfortable and winds up flat on her back, staring at the canopy above her bed. She stays there until an uneasy sleep finally takes hold of her. Just as she’s drifting off, she mutters something that had been floating around her mind all day.

“They’d look good on you”

-

Beau wakes the next morning and finds herself alone, Jester’s bed neatly made. She stretches and can already feel her skin pull taut as if ready to peel. She gets the aloe Jester had put on her the night before and makes do, the thought she had pushed away coming back. She tries not to entertain it, but it’s hard. She gives in for a minute, allowing her mind to wander. What if she’d gotten her the swimsuit for other reasons? Her mind quickly procures another thought. What if she had gotten everyone swimsuits for other reasons? She shakes her head. This is ridiculous. It didn’t even matter. If Jester wanted to say something, she would. She changes and makes her way downstairs for breakfast, keeping her mind in check. She reaches the last steps and scans the tables, making eye contact with Jester for a split second before she looks away.

Maybe there was something more to it.


	6. the stars align and now they shine so brightly on her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Radiant Warmth - Miki Rastula

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howdy! I'm two days late, but I'm here! Sorry for the delay, I've been apartment hunting and it hasn't been going well. Also, call out for myself for liking to write people thinking things right as they fall asleep. This fic is really showing me what i mostly focus on when writing. As always, thank you to everyone who reads, comments, leaves kudos, you mean so much to me! Fun fact this is the song that made me want to write this fic! Like it was literally made for them...
> 
> Oh also! I have a tumblr if anyone wants to follow me there (dkmshaboogie), I always link updates to it, and a twitter (@tracinglions), that I'm going to start posting updates on, if anyone wants to yell with me or at me about beaujester or anything else!
> 
> Thanks again and keep rocking!

The rest of spring break is a whirlwind of sightseeing and trips to the beach and pier. It’s busy, but relatively uneventful. That is until they’re going to a shaved ice truck on the edge of the sand and Caduceus notices a horse trailer parked a bit down the hill. A large tanned man stands by it, colorful birds perched on his shoulders as he presents something to a couple of small children.

Jester is immediately enthralled, tugging on Caleb’s sleeve beside her. 

“Ohmigosh, ohmigosh. Omigosh! Guys we have to go see Kestiff!”

“Who?”, Fjord turns, having just paid for a blue tinted shaved ice.

“Kestiff! He always brings his animals around for people to see, and maybe buy? I only ever snuck out to see him, so I never had money if he does…”

She trails off, eyes bright. The rest of the group is now eyeing the man as he puts away whatever creature he was showing off to the kids, and moves to another covered cage. He puts a leather glove on his arm and opens the cage. From underneath the cover steps a rather impressive looking owl. It stretches its wings and Beau is immediately hooked. 

“C’mon there’s a sick looking owl down there, we have to check it out!”

She locks eyes with Jester, the same mischievous smile mirrored in their expressions. Fjord can only sigh beside them, trying to prepare himself for whatever shenanigans they could get into. He starts walking towards the direction of the trailer, throwing an expectant look over his shoulder. Well, he wasn’t going to stop them.

“Are we gonna actually go up to this Kestiff guy or are we gonna gawk all day?”

Jester nearly bursts from excitement as she bounces after Fjord, tail swinging from side to side. Caduceus, Molly, and Yasha follow behind at a slower, more metered pace. Beau looks back at Caleb and Veth, who seem reticent to join. The latter squinting her eyes at the man. Caleb simply shrugs his shoulders.

“I have no interest in him, I have Frumpkin, and he is all I need”

Beau nods, it was understandable. Frumpkin worked as an emotional support animal for Caleb, and although he wasn’t allowed in class or in campus buildings like the dining hall, she had seen him work his magic many times. He had even sat on her a few occasions, the pressure of his weight grounding her. The bond between the two was inseparable, and another animal would simply throw off that delicate balance.

Veth on the other hand was another matter. She had moved from her spot beside Caleb and was now crouched behind some bushes, staring down the man as the rest of their group got nearer. Beau couldn’t understand her apprehension, but decides it isn’t worth her time to try and convince her to come down with them. When she latched onto something, it was hard to get her off of it.

She jogs to catch up and reaches them just as the man places 3 colorful birds on Jester’s horns. She looks delighted, the small cockatiel sized birds chirping tunes as bright as themselves. She gently twirls as Beau comes to a stop next to them.

“Beau! Do I look like Snow White?”

She curtsies, the birds adjusting their footing to stay upright. It takes everything in Beau not to stare, to get out a strangled agreement, that she does in fact look like a Disney Princess. From the light cream sundress spotted with pink azaleas she had helped Jester pick out this morning. To the silver bangles on her wrists, and necklaces flush against her throat. From the sunburnt tint of her cheeks and exposed shoulders to the pink backpack she carries everywhere. 

“Yeah, Jes, you look just like Snow White”

Her smile is blinding and warm, Beau can feel her heart melting. Dripping into her stomach to metamorphosize into butterflies that beat against her ribcage, in tandem with her heart. She feels like she’s looking at the sun, at all the stars in the galaxy, in the universe, in just this one simple moment. She tears her eyes away, afraid that her eyes might never readjust if she watched just a moment longer. They land on the man, Kestiff, as he procures a raven from the trailer and passes it to the other tiefling.

It’s larger than Beau would have thought, dark feathers catching the sunlight with oil slick refractions. It’s somewhat intimidating, how it holds itself on the leather glove Molly bears. It’s eyes are inquisitive and somewhat piercing, as if they could see through her. It’s then that she realizes the raven is staring right at her, dark pupils huge even in the light of midday. She’s taken aback for a moment, but the raven keeps its eyes on her, it’s not malicious, merely observant. It caws, shuffling its feathers, and Molly laughs, an unspoken joke between the two.

Jester pops up next to her shoulder,a bright yellow bird almost colliding with Beau’s face as it flies from her horn to one of the assistants' outstretched hands. A shiver runs down her spine as the raven caws again, intelligent eyes boring holes in her.

“It looks like that raven likes you”, Jester pipes up, pouting as the other assistant comes to take the other two birds off to safety.

“Yeah, it’s kinda weird”

The more she stares, the more it feels like the raven isn’t just staring through her, but into her, as if it knew and understood her. Kestiff moves between them and retrieves the bird from Molly, who looks a little sad at its absence. He turns, taking the glove off, and smiles at Beau apologetically.

“Sorry about that, ol’ Snowdrop here can have a bit of a staring problem, a little too smart for his own good”

“No worries, but Snowdrop? Really?”

He laughs, a throaty rumble.

“Yeah, my niece named him. Bless her heart. One of the only creatures here I won’t sell, which reminds me…”

He walks a few cages away, checking under a few tarps, before coming to stop at a small enclosure.

“If you are interested, these have been quite popular lately. Had a litter of about six, but this little guy is the last one.”

He walks back with a small brown and grey mottled puppy that just fits into his hand. It yawns and shakes its head, one ear standing straight up while the other flops over. Kestiff places him on the ground, and Jester is on him in an instant, cooing and smooching at the small dog. Fjord looks up to the sky, and throws his hands up.

“Why would you do this, we were so close, so close”, He looks back at Kestiff, hands outstretched to him now, “So close.”

The large man can’t help the smile as it cracks his face.

“It’s my business, what can I do?”

Beau understands where Fjord’s coming from. Jester was particularly inclined towards cute things, especially when they were small and young. This was a perfectly fatal combination. But as the puppy tries to climb up her crossed legs, tongue lolling to one side, she can’t blame her. The puppy places a slobbery kiss from her chin to her cheek and she looks back at Jester. Her face is twisted into a frown that threatens to become a grin. She is enamoured, and if there was any part of Beau’s heart that was still solid, it’s a puddle now.

How Fjord ever says no to her, she’ll never know.

“Call your mom”

Both Jester’s and Fjord’s eyes go wide, for very different reasons. 

“WHAT?”, they almost half shout, managing to keep their voices down at the last second. Jester looks hopeful, Fjord’s brow furrowed deeper than Beau had ever seen it. They look at her expectantly for an answer.

She shrugs nonchalantly, “I’ve been looking for places to move into once the school year’s up, it’s not really like I can go home”. The severe look on his face lessens, the creases smoothing, becoming more thoughtful. She could go home, but it wouldn’t end well. They all knew that. She hadn’t told them about the place she had found, “It’s a cheap little one bedroom above the Invulnerable Vagrant”

“Really? The Sol’s let you rent it out?”, Fjord says, surprised.

“Yeah, apparently someone who’s graduating lived there. They said they like to keep someone in the building, just in case. Anyway, I’m sure they’d let a dog in” She wasn’t sure, but she wasn’t about to tell that to them, “Only thing is I can’t move in till the end of the semester, so someone would have to watch him until then”

The puppy had stumbled out of her lap at some point and flopped onto Jester’s crossed legs, head resting on her thigh. He yawns, showing sharp puppy canines, and closes his eyes, obviously content. Jester watches him for a moment, before turning her eyes to Fjord, who simply throws his hands in the air.

“Look, this is between you two and your mom, I’m keeping my hands clean.”

She looks back down, the puppy deep in sleep now. His whole body shakes with his whimpers, paws flicking as he dreams. Her heart wants him so bad, but she’s trying to be responsible. She looks up and finally locks eyes with Beau.

“I’ll call mama”, she gently lifts the puppy up, replacing him on Beau’s lap. She pulls her phone out and starts dialing, moving a short distance away for a bit of privacy. Beau watches for a moment, but doesn’t want to pry. She instead turns her attention to the rest of her group, who, save for Fjord, is gathered around a fenced area. She cranes her neck and catches a glimpse of shimmering teals and blues. A loud call that sounds closer to a scream startles her.

“Now, that’s what I’m talking about!” Molly points excitedly and shifts to the side, exposing a peacock, tail feathers fanned and rustling, “This is exactly why I got a tattoo of them”.

It struts around, it’s tail feathers brushing against the chicken wire of the enclosure. Molly kneels down, and hangs onto the fence, totally focused on the peacock. It calls again, the sound echoing ever so slightly. Even knowing it’s source, it’s eerie, almost unearthly. The hairs prickle on the back of Beau’s neck. Of course Molly would love an animal like that, all posture and bluster. She couldn’t imagine it any other way. 

She feels a tap on her shoulder, and looks up to find Jester shadowing her, grinning from ear to ear.

“She said yes!”

Beau can’t help but smile back, the happiness radiating from her is infectious. Jester picks up the puppy and holds it up to her face. She giggles as it licks her cheeks.

Beau stands up and brushes the dirt and grass from her legs. She pulls her wallet out and hands Jester some money. She looks up at her, eyebrows up as if to ask if she were sure. Beau just nods and pushes the bills into her hand, narrowly avoiding a nip from the puppy. Fjord ambles over to her, crossing his arms as Jester begins talking to Kestiff. The two of them standing there watching the conversation.

“You’re really about to do this for her”, it’s not so much a question as a statement.

He glances at Beau out of the corner of his eye and considers her for a moment as she gathers herself to respond.

“Yeah, I am” She meets his gaze, “Besides, you guys aren’t going to be around this summer…” She lets the sentence hang. Knows that Fjord understands what she doesn’t say. Winter break was only a few weeks, this is a few months. The shadow looming in her thoughts takes its time, but it doesn’t wait forever.

He nods, contemplative. They stand in silence for a bit, the rest of the group eventually making their way back to them, satisfied with their exotic animal experience of the day. Jester returns, puppy in hand, still smiling. They’re ready to leave, when Fjord stops and turns back to Kestiff.

“Excuse me, how big is this puppy going to get?”, he questions.

Kestiff hefts an empty enclosure up and pauses.

“Well, sire was probably about 120 pounds, dam was a bit smaller, at least 80 I would say!”

Beau and Jester shrink at each of the numbers he throws out. The realization hitting them that this small animal wouldn’t be small his whole life. Fjord only smiles, thanking Kestiff, before walking back to Caleb and Veth.

“You’ve sure got a busy summer ahead of you”

Beau grimaces, maybe she was in a little over her head. But Fjord knocks his shoulders to hers, Molly is raving about a new tattoo idea to Caduceus and Yasha, both of whom nod at the appropriate times, Caleb and Veth speak conspiratorially a few feet away, Veth offering a sharp toothed grin when she catches her eye, and Jester is happily humming, skipping ahead of the group. She takes a deep breath, if she were drowning, they would be right there, ready to pull her out.

-

By the time they get back to the Lavish Chateau, it’s nearly midnight, but Jester convinces them to cram into her room, using the fact that it’s their last night there as leverage. She pulls large sitting pillows from somewhere as they settle in, forming a lopsided circle. She plops down between Veth and Fjord and presents everyone with a bottle of dark liquid and places one small brown empty beer bottle in the center. A silent groan ripples through them, no one wants to give up their secrets, save for maybe Jester. However, the prospect of getting dirt on each other keeps them from objecting.

“Truth or dare spin the bottle, a pass is a drink, otherwise same rules!” She reaches forward and spins the bottle. The glass clinking on the wooden floors and eventually coming to a stop, neck pointing at Caduceus. 

He smiles gently, “That means I get a question right? I’ve never played this before”

“Yup!”, Jester grins back, “Or a dare, but-” She pauses, thinking, “I think I’ll ask a truth. Why does your hair glow?”

It was a good question. They had gotten used to the firbolg’s pastel hair color, but seemingly forgot to ask him why it sometimes appeared to glow in low light. Even now, it projects a small halo of light around him.

He chuckles, “Oh, it’s just the dye I use”, he pulls his fingers through a strand of hair, “It’s experimental, there’s bioluminescent fungi they’ve been working with to try and make organic glow in the dark hair dyes, seems to work pretty well too”

Of course it would have something to do with fungi, Beau muses, Caduceus was always on top of anything that produces spores. It’s a good ice breaker however, as he asks Caleb about his favorite book. The first half of the game is easy-going. Simple questions just to get to know each other better, only a few people drink to avoid answering questions, the rest taking sips as they go. They get into the groove, the questions becoming more personal, the dares more than just cranks calls and streaking. Which Molly was all for when Veth dared him, his shirt off, and pants unbuttoned by the time they realized he was serious. They crowded onto the balcony to watch his victory lap around the Chateau. Purple skin and colorful ink on full display. After that, all bets were off. No one was safe.

They take a quick break to go to the bathroom and change into more comfortable clothes. At this rate, they would all be passed out on Jester’s floor. Beau comes out from the bathroom, wet hair dampening the back of her cutoff. 

“Hey Jes, I meant to ask you, what did you want to name the puppy anyway?”, She sits, back against the wall.

Jester looks down at the puppy in her lap, tongue lolling to one side in his sleep.

“Nugget”

“Nugget?”

“Yeah”, she picks him up and he yawns, still sleepy, “Cuz he’s just a little nugget”

“I guess that’s fitting”, she watches the puppy get comfortable again on Jester’s legs, and catches a streak of red behind the tiefling.

“What was that?” She’s up, moving towards Jester .

“What was what?”, Jester asks innocently, shifting ever so slightly.

Beau eyes her warily, “Something behind you”, she places a hand on Jester’s shoulder and tries to get her to shift back. She’s too preoccupied trying to look underneath the bed to see another blur of motion, as a small ferret-like creature appears on Jester’s shoulder and nips at her hand.

“Ow, what the-”

The animal scurries to Jester’s other shoulder, and pops it’s head out to glare at Beau.

“Jester, what the fuck is that?”

Jester blushes, “That is Sprinkle, the crimson weasel”

Beau is dumbfounded. How had she snuck a weasel past their entire group. Even Caduceus, the most perceptive one of the group hadn’t said anything. Although that didn’t mean he hadn’t seen it, he might have been sworn to secrecy for all she knows. Jester could be underhanded like that. She takes the weasel off her shoulder and presents it to Beau, who moves to hold it. Drawing back as it lunges at her hand.

“Fuck! And what do you expect to do with him?”

Jester smiles, “Oh, well, I’m just going to bring him back to campus and keep him in my room”

Her roommate had transferred at the end of the first semester. All of their stuff there one day, and gone the next, leaving Jester the luxury of a two person room all to herself.

Beau shrugs, “You know what, I don’t control you, just… don’t get in trouble okay?”

Jester’s face deadpans, “Beau, when have I ever, gotten in trouble”

She could name a few instances off the top of her head, but for the most part it was true. No matter what Jester seemed to get into, she always managed to find a way out.

“Fair point”

It takes a few minutes for everyone to gather together again, clean and ready for the next round. Which starts with Molly daring Caleb to call up some of his old friends. He promptly takes a swig from the bottle in front of him and spins the one in the middle. It slows to a stop in front of Veth, who smiles smugly, thinking he’ll go easy on her.

“Who’s Yeza?”

The room falls silent, all eyes on Veth.

She tries to tug at her collar, but finds nothing to grab on her scoop neck T-shirt. She contemplates the drink in front of her, almost gone.

“He’s my fiance”

There’s a chorus of responses, ranging from nods to emphatic “Whats!?”. Veth shrinking from them.

“We only got engaged a little while ago, it’s not a big deal”

Jester interrupts, voice high, “Uh, yeah it’s a big deal! Do you have a dress picked out, a venue? What about the cake? And bridesmaids!” She’s rambling out a list of wedding activities.

“We haven’t decided on anything yet, it’s more of a promise than anything. He wants me to finish school first.”

“He must be a very kind fellow”, Fjord adds.

“He is”, Veth’s smile is genuine and soft, not sharp like they usually are. It would be hard to find someone that describes her as lovestruck, but at this moment, a passerby might just use such a word. 

“Enough about me!” She snaps back, gripping the bottle tightly and twisting it.

It circles several times, starting to slow at Yasha, who almost scowls at it. It continues to Veth, who eggs it on, not wanting to spin again. Beau feels her heart drop as it comes to rest pointing at her. Veth liked to pry, and she was ready to drink if need be.

She feels like she’s looking down the barrel of a shotgun, Veth at the trigger. She takes her time looking her up and down. Feeling out what weak point she should strike.

“Tell me Beau. Do you have a crush on anyone in this group.”

She swallows thickly, narrowing her eyes at the halfling. Did she know? Or was she just being nosy after spilling a secret of her own? It didn’t matter, Beau’s brain is in overdrive. They’d all been truthful as far as she could tell. She either answered or drank, and both would tell the same story. But she might be able to find a loophole...

“Yeah I do” She refuses to move her gaze from Veth’s, even goes so far as to cock an eyebrow at her. Challenging her.

Veth smirks, “And who would that be?”

She can feel their friends watching them like a tennis match, their eyes shifting from one player to the other.

Beau leans back, “Nope, can’t tell you, against the rules. One question, one answer.” She brings the bottle to her lips anyway, trying to hide the shake in her hand at how close that had gotten.

Veth glares at her, the group turning to argue about the rules. She hadn’t broken them though. She had been asked a truth and given one, albeit very vague, it still fell in line. Beau reaches forward and spins, thankful to continue the game. They play for a bit longer, the bottle always just missing Beau, before they begin to call it a night, pairs splitting off to their own rooms to sleep off the alcohol. Jester climbs into her bed, pulling Nugget up off the floor and snuggling him close to her chest.

Beau lays on the ground, staring at the ceiling. She listens for Jester’s breathing to even out, before she quietly opens the door. Her body is buzzing, and she knows she’s not going to find dreams tonight without a little extra push. She slips down the staircase and finds one of the bars still open, two figures sitting on the stools. A man she’s seen a few times now for Marion’s performances, and to her surprise, Veth.

The halfling sits by herself, an empty shot glass on the bartop and a bottle in her hands. She takes the seat next to her and simply nods, ordering herself a shot, and downing it quickly. Feels the liquor burn towards her heart. She gets a beer from the bartender as well, and they sit in companionable silence.

Veth breaks it, “What I asked earlier, were you being truthful?”

Beau furrows her brow, “Yeah, for once in my life I was.”

“Do you mind telling me who it is then?”, Veth looks at her curiously.

“I think this needs a little more alcohol”, she flags down the bartender, ordering a few rounds of shots. She eyes Veth and hesitates, unsure how much to say.

The halfling picks up on her pause immediately, “I’ll tell you a secret if you tell me yours”

Beau weighs her options. It might be nice to actually talk to someone about this. To air it out in the open. It could help her start getting over it. She felt like a shaken soda bottle. Letting out a little pressure could keep her from exploding later on.

“You know what, sure”, she pulls out a coin, “Heads I go first, tails you go first”

“Deal”

She tosses the coin and catches it, placing it on the counter. She takes a deep breath and lifts her hand.

Tails.

She releases her breath and grins a little at Veth.

“You go first”

Veth downs a shot, “It’s a little embarrassing, but since we’re on this topic, I’ll tell you. When I first met Caleb, I was kinda attracted to him. He’s not the most well kept man, doesn’t smell great if you get too close some days. But I was working late in the lab with him one night, and I caught him looking out the window at the moon. It struck me that he was rather handsome.”

“You know”, she sips her beer, “I kinda got that vibe, and if it weren’t for tonight, I would’ve thought you too would be together”

“I’ve never looked at another man that way other than Yeza, I sorta had a crush. It was exciting, but I got to know him, and didn’t act upon those feelings. I will be happily married, with no regrets, Yeza is all the man I need.”

She says it so matter of factly that Beau doesn’t doubt her. 

Veth looks thoughtfully into her drink, “In another world maybe”, she adds.

“Yeah, another time, another place”, Beau can’t help but think of the rave from earlier, it’s caw familiar.

“That’s my secret”, She swivels the stool to fully face Beau, “Now dish the dish, bish!”

She can’t keep the eye contact, her focus flitting from liquor bottle to liquor bottle on the shelves behind the bar.

“Mine’s kind of a similar problem”

There’s a short pause as Veth’s brain works, her thoughts zipping from each member of their group to the next.

“Wait, you’re into Caleb too? Gross!”

“No… No!”, she can’t disagree quickly enough. 

“He’s filthy, barely even showers a few times a week!”

“No, not Caleb”, she manages to get out as Veth begins listing reasons not to like Caleb.

“Oh”, she quiets, “Then who?”

There’s a pregnant pause as they lock eyes, Beau’s face contorting as she tries to find words, tries to find a way out. Veth had already confided in her, and her body wanted to bolt. But she stays seated, grasps for the words to explain herself. But before she can, Veth breaks the silence.

“ME!”, She shouts, almost falling off her stool, “Oh, it’s me!”

Beau pulls her back upright, shushing her, “No, not you! Shut up” she glances at the other patron as he mulls over his wine, she lowers her voice, “it’s Jester”

Veth’s eyes go wide, “What?”, falling from her mouth before she can stop it, she quiets back down at the pointed look from Beau, “I’m sorry what?!”

Beau is whispering now, partly to not disturb anyone else, and partly because she’s nervous. She’s never said it out loud, and now that it’s there, she wants it back. Wants to draw it into her heart and lock it away. As if speaking it gave it power, gave it weight, hope. She tries to quash her feelings, play it off.

“I don’t know it just sort of happened. It’s just sort of a crush, it’s just that I don’t know what to do with it”, She’s rushing her words. Too afraid that if she stops now, she’ll never speak again. 

Veth picks up on this and orders a few more rounds.

“If you fucking tell anybody”

Veth puts her hands up in surrender, “Of course I’m not going to tell anybody, why would I tell anybody, look at this face”. She grins, the nervous energy in the room rubbing off on her. It’s not the most comforting expression.

“You tell everybody everything”, she’s instantly regretting her decision, her stomach turning. Veth was the absolute last person she should have told. Better than telling someone, she could’ve just kept it to herself. She internally admonishes herself for being so careless.

“I’m cool!”, Veth protests, trying to get her on her side.

Beau’s brain is already thinking of all the ways it could get to Jester, or even worse, to Fjord. She’s certain those friendships would be over the moment they knew. That she was only preparing her own demise. Instead of releasing some pressure, she might have just released a tsunami. Her vision narrows, and she feels like she can’t breathe, barely catching Veth’s next question.

“Wait what about her?”, She focuses on the words, compels herself to know that this won’t go south, “For me, it was his rugged jawline, his intellect, the way he doesn’t care how other people see him, if they’re saying anything behind his back. His confidence. But what about her?”

“She’s fun”, she starts off simple.

“She makes me laugh”, she says.

Her laugh could light up the whole word, she doesn’t say, can’t put to words the way her heart swells when she sees her smile. How the corners of her eyes crinkle, the dimples that appear, the way her nose scrunches. Can’t explain how her heart melts, how it becomes contagious. Once she starts, it’s hard not to join in. It feels like staring at the sun, and when you stop, you still have the after image burned into your vision. Like stars in the night, burning bright thousands of years after they’ve collapsed.

“I think she’s complicated and layered”, She says.

I think she’s simple and complex, she doesn’t say. She’s young at heart, untouched by many of the evils of the world. Yet at the same time, she understands. Doesn’t announce to the world the troubles of her heart. Keeps them close to her. People see her as childish, always happy, but fail to take a closer look at her. Fail to actually see her. To see the kindness in her, the anger, the sadness, all the emotions that define someone. She wants to be the one to let her be sad, and anxious, and angry. She wants to let her feel everything, and be there for her.

“Anything else?”, Veth coaxes her.

Beau pauses, thoughts racing.

Her one of a kind soul.

How not one of the greatest works of art could compare to her. 

The way she feels safe when she’s around.

How she feels like she’s home; in her eyes, her smile, her laugh.

“I don’t know”, She says instead, staring deep into her cup.

“That’s cool”, Veth replies a moment later. “But”, she frowns, “You can’t be serious about this right? This is just a crush. She’s dating Fjord.”

“It’s not like I’m going to act on it or anything”. She couldn’t. It wasn’t even a question she would consider. “It’s not anything, just a dumb crush, like you said”.

Veth considers her for a moment, “You know, I could scope them out, see if there’s any trouble in paradise”

Beau almost jumps out of her seat, “No. No! Do not, neither of them can know about this. You told me a secret and I told you one. These were said in confidence.” She quickly finishes the rest of her shots, feels the alcohol hit her stomach, setting it ablaze.

“This stays between us”, she holds out her hand.

“Okay, okay”

She doesn’t trust the gleam in the halfling’s eye as she shakes on it. Her stomach twists and she almost feels sick, the fuzz in her head telling her she needs to try to sleep before she passes out. She slides some cash to the bartender and bids Veth goodnight. She needs to leave before she says something else that could potentially lay the groundwork to ruin something.

She stumbles up the stairs, catching herself on the railing. Pressing her forehead to the cool wood, she stays there for a moment, just out of sight of the ground level.

Her mind is reeling with thoughts:

Veth. The absolute last person she should have told. She’d be better off with Molly, even with his loud mouth, he knew when to keep things low. How to carry them to his grave. Hell, she should’ve told Yasha, she wouldn’t even have to worry with how reticent she could be. But she told Veth, and now she needs to trust that she’s not going to betray. Not going to take that information and create a rift that sets Beau adrift from their friends.

Fjord. Arguably one of her best friends. He was always there for her just as she would be for him. He even went so far as for him to dub her his first mate as he stood at the helm of a rental boat, steering them into a small inlet. It was sort of silly, but she couldn’t betray that trust. She needed more than anything to get these feelings out. Not in the open, as she had just done with Veth. That felt like word vomit, the sickly burn in her throat from the truth. She needs them gone, not filed away for later. She needed them stamped and sealed and mailed to another location.

Jester is the last thought that passes into her head. It’s more accurate to say it’s the last to present itself, as there always seems to be some lingering trace in her mind. She could have said so much more than she did today. Could’ve said the way her skin turns a dusty purple in the sun. The freckles that have become more apparent in the light. How she’s seen Beau on bad days, and still wants to be friends with her. Even helped her through some anxiety attacks. How she always knows how to distract her. Or the way she can get almost everybody on board with her schemes.

There’s a thousand reasons she could have given to that question:

What is it about her?

She manages to get back to Jester’s room. Slips through the door and into her makeshift bed on the floor. She hears something soft land on the floor, and holds her breath, afraid to have awoken Jester. There’s quick footsteps and warm tongue on her cheek.

Only Nugget.

He had been sleeping with Jester, but now circles a few times next to her, before flopping to the ground, eyes already heavy with sleep.

“I’m right with you there buddy”

She pulls the blankets close to her body, wards off the cool breeze coming off the ocean. She closes her eyes and silences her brain. Tells herself that it will all work out. Nothing is ruined not yet, and telling Veth about a crush, of all things, isn’t going to change anything. She convinces herself of this, repeats it like a mantra until her breathing evens out. A final thought slips through her defenses. Begs an answer, tugging out wispy lies and truths as she slips into a light sleep.

‘Nothing’, she should have said.

‘Everything’, she had wanted to say.


	7. what's it gonna be?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's It Gonna Be - Shura
> 
> Beau's life is finally moving forward, but is Jester catching up or falling behind?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I am finally rising from the pits of mush brain to update! Please excuse me for not updating in like a month. I hope you can accept an extra long chapter, this one is about twice as long as usual (I never thought I would ever write this much for one chapter!) Thank you everyone for your comments, they honestly kept me going. As always keep rocking! 
> 
> Also Happy Critical Role is Back!!! These episodes have been so good and giving me ideas for things after this fic!
> 
> ps. I'm publishing this at 1 in the morning, I'm sorry if there are any spelling mistakes, I'll probably find them tomorrow

It’s much later in the morning than Beau expected when she is abruptly woken up by a weight on her chest, and warm breath in her face. Her head pounding, she manages to roll over, dislodging Nugget and sending him skidding on the hardwood. He slinks off and stops a few feet away. She settles back in and is just about to drift off again when the curtains are pulled back. She shrinks from the light, pulling the blankets high over her head. The motion doesn’t deter whoever is in the room with her, as a weight flops onto her stomach.

“Beau”, Jester draws out her name, pulling back the blankets enough to see the top of her face, “You can’t sleep all morning”.

She tries to pull the blankets away, but Jester has them pinned underneath her. She huffs, and cracks open an eye to see the tiefling inches away from her face. She immediately shuts it, feigning indignance.

“Says who?”, she fires back, barely able to keep the frown on her face. 

“Uhh”, Jester pauses, leaning back so her weight is settled over Beau’s hips. She’s much more awake than she’s willing to let on, and trying desperately not to think about it, to keep her head level. She’s failing miserably.

Beau feels the silence stretch immeasurably long. She’s counting the seconds in her head as she feels the weight shift again. She shivers as a lock of hair tickles her cheek, and almost jumps out of her skin as she feels the warm breath on her neck.

“Me”, it’s a breathy whisper, and Beau does jump this time, somehow managing to extract herself from under Jester. 

She stands, “Okay, okay, I’m up!” The distance helps her regain her composure, her heart rate gradually slowing down. She knows her face is still flushed with color, but she could easily pass that off as too much sun.

Jester only laughs as she gets up, “You’re way too easy to startle”

“Yeah, sure”, she huffs, “anyway, what did you need to get me up so early for?”

Jester looks at her incredulous, “Beau, it’s like 11 in the morning, most of us have been up for a while. Besides, Mama decided she was going to have breakfast with us, and we’ve been waiting forever for you to get up!”

Fuck. She frowns, trying to remember if Marion had said anything to them about eating breakfast together today. She doesn’t have any memory of it, though after her confession to Veth, and the many rounds of liquor that burned her throat, she doesn’t doubt that she could have forgotten it. The thoughts are hard to keep track of in her mind, when she notices Jester sit cross legged on the floor, on top of her makeshift bed.

“Go on downstairs, I’ll be there in a moment”, she moves quickly, grabbing a nicer pair of shorts and shirt, although most were brought for comfort rather than style, so there’s not much difference between them, and heading into the bathroom. She wanted to make a good impression on Marion, who had welcomed them into her home so graciously. She had been nothing but kind to them this trip, even allowing a spur of the moment puppy into her life. Beau pulls her hair into her signature topknot and looks at herself in the mirror. Deeming it passable.

Her mind feels a little clearer now that she’s dressed and somewhat ready for the day, she exits the bathroom and finds Jester still sitting on the ground. Her knees are now pulled up to her chest, making her look small, almost fragile. Although anyone that knew her understood just how far from the truth that is. She doesn’t look up when Beau moves closer. Instead there’s a deep intake of air that’s slowly released in a quiet sigh. Beau kneels next to her, a gentle smile tugging on the corners of her lips, an expression she would knock the daylights out of someone for commenting on. But she can’t help it as she looks at Jester, face relaxed, mouth slightly open. She’s fast asleep hunched over in what looks to be a pretty uncomfortable position.

It’s only a moment before Jester’s eyes flutter open, still half lidded and distant with sleep. She catches Beau’s gaze and smiles, uncurling from her position in an almost feline manner, arms and then legs. Her tail stretch’s out before her and then settles on the ground, slightly coiled. She turns back to Beau, cheeks tinted a similar hue as her irises. Beau can’t help but think it’s cute.

Suddenly, Jester’s giving her a funny look, her hand moving towards her cheeks. Shit, did she say that out loud? She must have, Jester wouldn’t have furrowed her eyebrows like she is, if she hadn’t. 

“But also deadly, you can get sick from that”, it’s not her best recovery but it’ll have to do.

Jester's expression changes, “It’s bad for you right?”, she asks, poking a cheek.

“Yeah”, Beau clears her throat, keeping the façade.

“Well then you’re one to talk, your face has been burnt since like our first day here”, she flashes a smile, “You really should have let me put more sunscreen on you.”

Beau can only shake her head at the pout accompanying Jester’s last remark, “C’mon, I think I’ve made them wait long enough let’s get down to breakfas- well I guess lunch, or is it brunch?”

“It can be whatever you want it to be”, Jester skips from the room, Beau following a few feet behind, careful not to get hit by her swinging tail.

The main floor is empty, save for two tables pushed together to accommodate everyone. It’s kind of strange to see the Lavish Chateau this bare, especially when they had seen the floor packed with people, desperate to catch a glimpse of the Ruby. Even in the mornings, there were typically a few patrons who had spent the night in the luxurious inn sitting at the bar or a table before setting off. The food there was definitely worth staying another hour for.

“Sorry for sleeping in, must’ve had too late of a night”, Beau apologizes, giving them all an easy smile as she squeezes in between Molly and Caleb. She scooches her chair and catches Veth watching, almost scrutinizing, Jester as she takes a seat between her mother and Fjord. She wants nothing more than to throw something at the halfling’s head. Instead she starts devising a way to kick her shins under the table. She’s almost figured out how to get around Deuce’s long legs when Marion turns from her quiet conversation with Jester.

“Now that we’re all here and settled, I do believe it is time to start eating”, she motions to one of the bartenders who moves back into the kitchen, “I wish I could have spent more time with you all, however, it has been a joy for you all to stay with us for this short while. Even more so, it is such a relief to know my little Sapphire is in such great hands”

She pinches one of Jester’s cheeks, eliciting a slightly embarrassed “Mama…”

“I’ll be honest”, she looks back at the group before her, holding each of their gazes, “I wasn’t sure at first when you all walked in the door. You don't really seem like the types to become friends.”

“I mean if we’re being frank,” Caduceus chimes in, his hand wrapped around a steaming mug, “I don’t think any of us thought we would all work out together, we are a rather eclectic bunch. But we make it work”

He smiles, warm and knowing. There’s a few nods around the table at the truth of his words. They weren’t a group you would expect to see together, but they had found similarities in their differences. There was never a dull moment with any one of them, and in the short time they had known each other, they had become protective of each other. 

“Variety is the spice of life they say”, Marion adds, raising her cup of coffee to her lips just as the food is brought to the table. Large platters of bacon, eggs, almost any breakfast food imaginable steaming on warm plates. “Please eat as much as you want, you are my guests, and great friends to my daughter, this is the least I can do”

There’s little chatter as plates are filled, the clatter of utensils against ceramic filling most of the silence. If the food of the past week was any indicator of this meal, Beau would’ve thought she had died and gone to heaven. The food was delicious, kept at the perfect temperature. She was not looking forward to going back to campus and the dining hall’s food. Which definitely didn’t prompt her to discreetly wrap some bacon in a napkin and slip it into her pocket when no one was looking. She wasn’t that desperate.

Conversation returns after a moment, stomachs no longer grumbling.

“You know Marion, Jester does about as much for us as we do for her”, Fjord turns wiping his mouth, “we probably wouldn’t be what we are without her”

“It’s true, she’s helped me several times with”, Beau pauses, unwilling to divulge too much, “schoolwork and the like”

Yasha shifts, as if to say something, and Beau is grateful as the attention shifts, “Yeah, she always plans something for us to do. It’s fun”

Marion’s smile widens, “I expect nothing less of my little Sapphire. It’s even better knowing that she can pull a little bit of her own weight”, she teases.

“I’ll have you know I can pull a lot of weight,” Jester counters, crossing her arms in mock indignance, “I even caught Beau when she fell out of a tree one time, and another time Fjo-“

Before she can finish her sentence Molly cuts in, an incredulous look on his face at this information, “Beauregard, you, the most graceful of us all, fell out of a tree? And when, pray tell, did this happen?”

“That’s what that loud thump was?”, Veth adds, trying not to laugh.

Beau opens her mouth to argue as Jester chimes in.

“Yeah, when we went apple picking! She went out suuper far on a branch and it just snapped. I tried to warn her, but it was too late. Luckily, I was there to catch her!” She flexes a bicep for emphasis, “it really was nothing”

“Oh I’m sure it was nothing for you”, Molly smirks, gaze sliding to Beau.

“Look it was a competition okay! There’s no way I was going to lose, especially to your team”, she retorts, ignoring the look Molly is giving her, “I would say the risk paid off”

“Your team did win”, Fjord chips in, “I’ll second you on that”

“Exactly, sometimes you have to take risks to get what you want!” She huffs, “How about we talk about the hospital incident, Mollymauk?”

“Oh? You want to have that conversation now?”, he plasters a shit eating grin on his face, “I’m more than happy to go into detail if that’s what you want”

The table devolves into friendly banter as Molly begins to describe the minutiae of the prank, Caduceus and Fjord managing to stop him before he gets too far into the particulars. This only prompts him to start into another story, this one a little more clean. That is until he hits the punchline, a joke a little more raunchy than one should tell at breakfast with their friends mother. There’s a split second of silence after the delivery, everyone too afraid to offend, before Marion bursts into laughter, wiping away the threat of tears.

“You all seem to get into and out of the strangest situations”, she checks her watch frowning ever so slightly, “I wish I could stay and talk more, but I do have an appointment I must get ready for. I’m having a new song be written and it should be done soon! Just finalizing some of the last lines.”

“Really Mama? I can’t wait to hear you sing it.”

“And I can’t wait to sing it for you”, she looks at everyone else, “hopefully you all could return sometime as well, it has been quite nice to have some youthful energy around here.” There’s a wistful look in her eyes before she turns back to Jester, “Which reminds me there was something I meant to give you, it’s hidden away in my room, do you think you could find it? It’s in a small paper package”

“Of course Mama, do you want to come with?”

She smiles sweetly, “I’ll be there in a moment to help, go on!”

Jester pushes away from the table and hurries upstairs, a look of unadulterated glee on her face. 

Marion watches her go, that wistful expression still on her face. The smile on her face drooping into a serious line as she studies the rest of the group. It’s slightly intimidating, and Beau can’t help but feel like she’s being seen through.

“Come hell or high water you better take care of her. I trust you all, but you know not the vengeance I will bring upon you and the army of men, women, and everyone else that will do what I tell them to. Are we clear?” She focuses on each of them in turn, pausing at Fjord before finally stopping on Beau. If her eyes were intimidating before, they were downright terrifying now.

She manages to choke out a “yes ma’am” as everyone else murmurs in agreement.

The smile returns just as quickly as it left, the corners of her eyes crinkling, “Wonderful, then we are on the same page”. She stands and nods to the bartender again, setting her napkin on her empty plate. “It really was a pleasure to have you all around, I sincerely wish you the best in your endeavors, but if you could excuse me, I do have some business to attend to”.

They sit in shock as Marion ascends the stairs, looking between each other to make sure that really just happened. The only one who has any semblance of their wits being Fjord, who gets up and pushes his chair in.

“You heard the woman, now c'mon I want to get back at a reasonable time”.

They get up one by one, Beau is overwhelmed by what she can only call a thorough inspection. She feels a shiver run down her spine. She definitely wasn’t only afraid of Jester’s mother.

“That was kinda hot right”, she states simply, “like I’m not the only one that was turned on by that?”

“Beau, really?”, Fjord starts, a deadpan expression on his face.

“What?”, she replies, aiming for innocence and landing somewhere just left of complacence.

“It was a little hot”

There’s a second of silence at the sincerity of Yasha’s voice, her simple honesty. It doesn’t last long before Molly claps her on the shoulder, laughing, her pale skin flushing just the slightest bit pink. 

“That’a girl, now let’s not overstay our welcome, I do have something to attend to”, he trails off, waggling his eyebrows at the groans from the rest of the group. Especially when they would probably hear about his latest foray during dinner soon enough.

They pack quickly, managing to leave just as the doors are opened for the early afternoon crowd. With the van loaded, they say a quick goodbye to Marion and Nugget. Neither of which Jester wants to let go of as she hugs them farewell. They pile in, rolling the windows down, the realization slowly sinking in that they’re going back to the monotony of classes and work. Caduceus drives a little slower than his normal 5 below the speed limit as they pass the beach, as if trying to savor the last moments. He does so as long as he can, reluctant to leave it behind. But soon enough, the off ramp for the highway is there, and the sparkling blue of the ocean is receding behind them.

It’s dark when they get back to campus, the streetlamps flickering on. Half of the van had fallen asleep, and Beau had even taken over driving for a bit after a stop and two energy drinks. They sleepily say goodbye as each group walks to their respective dorms, the high from the past week seeping into the chilly spring night. Beau, Molly, and Yasha reach the outside door. Beau leans up against the brick of the building, still warm from the sun of the day. A question bouncing around her head. 

“Hey, Yasha?”, she hums to indicate she’s listening as she pulls out her keys to open the door, “Have you ever dated anyone?” 

There’s a metallic clank as Yasha fumbles and the keys drop to the ground. She bends over and retrieves her lanyard, clearing her throat in the process. Beau looks at Molly who just shrugs, it wasn’t his place. She waits as Yasha finds the right key and unlocks the door, holding it open for the other two. The heavy door closes behind them with a slam

“I have”, she hesitates, “dated someone that is”

“Did they treat you right?”, she can’t help but pry, even with the warning look Molly shoots at her, his tail silently whipping behind him.

Yasha stops on the stairs, a distant look in her eyes. It’s at the same familiar and unknown to Beau. It’s the want, no, the need to run, something she knows like the back of her hand. But while Beau runs away, Yasha looks as if she must chase whatever it is she sees, to reach out towards something just outside of her grasp.

“She was wonderful”, the answer comes, quiet in the stairwell, almost a whisper, “she was more than I deserved”.

Yasha takes the last steps two at a time, bidding them goodnight as she heads to her own room. Had she asked too much? It seemed like simple enough questions, but there was something in the way Yasha had stopped, her body in the present, her mind in the past. Molly touches her on the shoulder, an unusually tender glint to his eye.

“Another time”, he says, walking her the rest of the way to her floor and opening the door, “she’ll come around, she always does”

Beau only nods, not quite understanding the implications, but recognizing the base need behind her brevity. The need to say enough, but not too much. They stand in the doorway a heartbeat longer than necessary, neither quite wanting to be alone just yet. She leans against the wall, staring at the old worn carpet before finally breaking the silence.

“Night Molly”

“Goodnight, Beauregard”

He bows and turns, walking back down towards the first floor. She stays a moment longer in the hallway, the old brick walls bearing down on her until she finally breaks and heads towards her own room. It’s exactly the same as she left it, but this week away has changed it. Or maybe her. She can’t decide as she throws her bag on the ground next to a pile of dirty laundry. She’ll get to that tomorrow. She flops on the bed, the cheap mattress springs sinking with her weight. She’s stayed in this room for almost 8 months now. The painted cement wall that’s peeling from posters taken down from old occupants, the slightly tacky linoleum floor, it’s all familiar. She gets back up and ready for bed, the same routine as always. As she’s turning off the lights and slipping under her sheets, she realizes that although it’s familiar, it’s not quite what she’s looking for.

-

The sun is lowering in the horizon when Beau sets the last of the boxes into her new apartment, alleviating some but not all of the heat from the long day. She’s sweaty and tired but thankful that the Pumats were gracious enough to have most of the living room furnished, as she collapses onto the thread worn sofa. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, releasing it slowly. It’s small, only one bedroom, but it has a kitchen, and a full bathroom, and it’s hers. It’s hers. It’s hers.

The thought repeats in her mind and she grins. It’s hers. And it’s another step towards her independence. A step closer to being able to be there for TJ and maybe even her mom. But she’s taking it a day at a time. The couch shifts with the weight of someone next to her. She opens her eyes to find Molly leaned over the back of the couch, and Yasha perched on the cushion beside her. 

“Now what’s that grin for. It’s almost like something good happened to you today”, he teases, hand reaching to tussle her hair.

She snatches his hand and almost pulls him down over the Sofa, “Nothing, just excited that we’re done, and I won’t have to see your face anymore.” She looks up, “You can stay though Yasha, it’s always a pleasure to have you around” and is slightly pleased with the slight blush that flashes across her face.

Molly pulls his hand back and throws it over his forehead, mock hurt. He turns and falls backwards, allowing his body to slide down the cushions until he’s almost on top of Beau.

“Oh, you wound me! I help you all day and this is the thanks I get”, He flops dramatically bringing his hands to his chest, “You should have just struck me through the heart, it would have hurt less”. He flops once more and then goes limp, letting all of his deadweight pin her down.

She struggles to push him off while not getting impaled by his horns. He laughs as she resorts to trying to wiggle underneath him. She manages to get to a point on the sofa where she can use their combined weight to tip him over the side of the sofa. She can see the fear in his eyes as the momentum carries him to the floor, but is too slow to react to his arm grabbing at her shirt. He grips the cloth tightly and brings Beau tumbling to the ground with him. They’re laughing and out of breath as Yasha looms over them, bending over and picking Beau up bridal style before throwing her over her shoulder. She reaches down and picks Molly up, setting him on his feet.

“You guys promised pizza when we were done” she states, matter of factly, “Now either I can order, or we can order together”

“Now Yasha, we don’t have to go that far”, Molly obliges, moving for his phone, “We can order right away of course, do you want your usual?”

“Yeah”, she replies, still holding Beau over her shoulder. She’s not complaining though. Being held by Yasha is definitely now one of the top ten moments of her life. It’s over much too quickly as she’s gently set down.

“Sorry about that, I’m kinda hungry”, she explains, rubbing the back of her head.

“No worries”, Beau smiles, remembering the first and last time they had let Yasha order food. Molly and her were busy playing Mario Kart on his old Wii to notice how late it was getting. Yasha offered to order for them, and they, too distracted trying to blow each other off the track, had agreed. Momentarily forgetting their quiet friends eclectic taste. They had finished the race, neither the victor after reversing just to hit the other, and found her digging into what could only loosely be described as a pizza. Beau managed to get halfway through a piece, the cheese soggy with several juices before she made some bullshit excuse up of her diet. She left soon after, thanking Yasha, and throwing Molly a wink as he begrudgingly accepted another slice. He looked as if he couldn’t decide whether he wanted to murder her, or beg for absolution.

They had decided never to let Yasha order food by herself after that, even if she said she could. Molly moves into her bedroom to order, and Beau starts setting up the old tv and dvd player she had found at a garage sale. She doesn’t have the widest selection of movies, and she’s not really keen on any of the ones she does own. 

“Hey Yash, you wanna pick a movie?”

The couch creaks as she stands up, “Sure, I can do that”

Beau switches places with her, content to just do nothing tonight. Yasha carefully reads through the synopsis of every movie before she finally settles and puts one in. The Universal theme blasts, and Beau hurries to find the remote. It’s not long before the pizza arrives, and the three pile onto the couch, Molly practically sitting on the other two in order to fit on the small loveseat. Yasha grabs the remote and hits play, the song Madly kicking in as the title screen to Forgetting Sarah Marshall fades away. Not one of Beau’s favorites, she never really understood the plot. It doesn’t matter though, tonight is to just relax, and tomorrow, she has an 8 hour drive to pick up Nugget.

-

Beau settles into the driver’s seat of her truck and runs through a mental checklist of everything she needs. She’s got the tarp and bungee cords in the bed, as well as a few towels, her bag sits in the passenger seat, alongside a small gift for Marion. A thank you for dealing with Nugget for several months. Satisfied that she has everything, she sends a quick text to Jester that she’s on her way and sets off. Her phone buzzes several times in quick succession and Beau can’t help but smile at the enthusiasm. She was initially planning on picking up Nugget and heading back that same day, but with a little prodding, she had been convinced to at least stay the night so she wasn’t driving in the dark.

She turns onto the highway, windows down and music blasting. A few puffy clouds lazily float through the bright blue sky. She puts her sunglasses on and sets the cruise control on. A long summer drive was just what she needed.

-

It’s a rather quiet drive, the only sounds are her radio and the occasional ding of a snapchat or message coming through. She zones out, focuses on only driving. It’s nice to put all of her thoughts on the backburner, to concentrate on a single task. So when her phone rings with an incoming call, she’s taken by surprise. She slows back down to the speed limit and sees a picture of Jester and Nugget. 

“Hey Jes, what’s up?”, Beau answers, turning down the radio.

“Hey Beau! I was jus-”, there’s a crash and a muffled sound of something running, “Nugget! Sorry, could you hold on a sec?”

“Sure thing”, It’s not like she has much else she’s doing. The line is silent for a few minutes, and she wonders what exactly she had gotten herself into when she had agreed on taking this dog.

“Sorry about that”, she apologizes again, “Nugget picked up a few bad habits with Mama”

Wonderful. A barely trained puppy is exactly what Beau needed right now, especially on top of working. She was working shortened hours at the library’s front desk over the summer, for the few students who stayed, and had somehow landed a position at the local library as general help. She had originally gone in to see if they knew of any small places looking for help, and they almost immediately asked if she wanted to assist with their programs. Apparently they do a lot of excursions and more often than not need extra hands to make sure the toddlers stay in line. It didn’t seem hard, and the starting wage was decent enough. Plus she didn’t have to actually apply anywhere. What’s one more thing added to her ever growing pile?

“Looks like I’ll have my work cut out for me then”, she laughs, “Anyway, you needed something?”

“Oh yeah, I was just wondering how much longer you had?”

Beau checks the time, she had stopped about an hour ago to get gas and go to the bathroom. She had definitely texted Jester to let her know how far away she was. There’s not really a reason for her to be calling, but she’ll humor her anyway, she clicks back over to the navigation app.

“Says here, that I have about another 2 hours? So I’ll be there around 4, so long as I don’t hit too much traffic”, She shouldn’t run into anything too bad, it’s early enough that the after work commute shouldn’t be on the road yet.

“Okay, cool, cool.” The line goes silent for a minute.

“Anything else?”, Beau questions, it’s not like Jester to be quiet for this long. Especially since their group hadn’t been all together for a week. She always had something to say in the group chat.

There’s another beat of silence, and then the sound of a door opening and wind in the speaker.

“Uh yeah”, She sounds nervous? Distant? Maybe it’s just the phone distortion, “Would you wanna go to the boardwalk tonight? They’ve finally opened all of the fun summer things, and I think it’d be fun to go.”

They had visited the boardwalk during spring break, most of the larger rides still shut down, including the ferris wheel. Jester had gone on about it, rambling about how sometimes you were lucky and got stopped at the top. The best time to go was at night obviously. And if both occurrences happened to coincide, how it felt like you could almost touch the stars. She had seemed upset when it wasn’t open, and Beau wasn’t about to let her down.

“Yeah, sure we can go. I’m here for the night, we can do whatever you want to do”

“Really?”, her voice perks up.

“Yeah, of course”, Beau wouldn’t make something like that up. Not to Jester.

“Omygosh. Thank you!”, she hears the door closer through the speaker, “Oh this is going to be so much fun. I need to get some stuff ready”, there’s more clattering. This was the Jester she knew, “Okay, I need to go, Nugget ran under the vanity and knocked some things done. See you soon!”

“See ya”

There’s a loud noise that Beau can’t make out as Jester hangs up the phone. She’ll be alright. She knew how to handle herself. She switches back to the navigation app. Another hour and a half. Not too bad when she has something to look forward to.

-

She pulls into the Lavish Chateau just about on time. There’s a few cars in the parking lot, but it’s too early for the majority of the patrons to have arrived yet. She shoots Jester a quick text and gets out of her truck, stretching the long hours of sitting from her muscles. Satisfied with the crack from her back, she grabs the bag she packed and the gift for Marion, and heads up the stairs. She’s about to the door when it swings inward, a large mound of fur bounding her way.

She narrowly avoids it’s collision course, but isn’t so lucky as Jester comes sprinting behind it. She manages to stop them from toppling over, down the stone steps. The two almost intertwined on the small landing. Jester laughs and steadies them before pulling apart and taking a step back. There’s an ear piercing whistle and the animal returns, tongue lolling to the side. It sits next to Jester staring up at her.

It clicks into place that this large beast is in fact Nugget. She had expected him to be bigger but not this big. But it’s him, from his oversized paws to his goofy up ear up and one ear down. Jester points to the door and he trots back inside and up the staircase in the back. Maybe he wouldn’t be as much work as she had initially thought.

“What have you been feeding him? He’s huge!”, she blurts out, unable to stop the words.

“Nice to see you too Beau”, Jester grins, “and nothing but normal dog food, he just grows like a weed”.

Beau shrugs and gestures through the doorway, “Sorry, it’s nice to see you Jester. And Nugget too. You mind if I go put my stuff down first, oh and is your mom around?” She holds up the bag.

“I think Mama has a minute right now if you want to go see her real quick”. Jester almost resembles Nugget as she leads the way through the door, her excitement barely contained.

She knocks on the red door and a moment later, Marion is there, crimson hair expertly coiled down her shoulders. 

“Ah Beau, it is wonderful to see you again”, she looks expectantly.

“You as well, you are looking as lovely as ever”, Beau takes her hand and places the gift into it, “I just wanted to say thank you, not only for allowing us over earlier this year, but for letting me buy some of your old furniture. I greatly appreciate it.”

“It is no trouble, really. You are always welcome here. You are doing me a favor for taking the furniture, we’ve been needing to upgrade a few of the suites”, she tugs the tissue paper from the bag and produces a small bottle of amber liquid, “And what might this be?”

“My family runs a winery, this is one of the specialities they make, just tapped”

Marion watches the swirling alcohol, “Thank you Beau, we must share some of it soon”. She tucks the bottle back into the bag and smooths her robe, “Now I do believe you two are headed to the boardwalk?”

“Yup!”, Jester responds next to her, grin wide, ‘I hear there’s going to be fireworks tonight too!”

“That sounds wonderful. You two have a fun time now, I have a show to get ready for”, she moves back into the room, “Beau thank you for the wine, I really appreciate it”

The door closes, but not before she sees Jester excitedly grab Beau’s hand, pulling her into her own room. There’s a sigh of fake exasperation as she’s dragged away, and Marion can’t help but smile. She sits back at the vanity, confident that her little sapphire is in good hands.

-

The sun is just starting to lower in the horizon when they make it to the boardwalk. Jester had insisted that they had parked further down the beach so they wouldn’t have to fight someone over a parking space. Beau takes off her sandals and lets the warm sand shift beneath her weight as she moves to the edge of the water. It’s cold as it hits her feet, the water eddying in her footprints. A breeze picks up off the ocean abating the residual heat of summer. It’s a perfect afternoon.

Jester approaches, and pauses next to her, sundress billowing in the slight wind. She almost feels shabby in her button up and cut off. She was told to bring a pair of nicer clothes, and this was the closest she had that would ensure she didn’t swelter in the heat. They stand there, watching a sailboat as it drifts across the horizon, large white sail taut against rope. 

Jester moves her hand and bumps Beau’s closed fist. On reflex she opens it, Jester’s palm soft against her own. Their fingers lace together as they always do, as if they were meant to fit together. Beau’s heart flutters, light and fast, as it always does. 

But it’s only Jester.

It’s always Jester.

She smiles and kicks a bit of water at her. Jester laughs and tugs on her hand, pulling her in the direction of the boardwalk. She tentatively swings their intertwined hands, and Beau doesn’t stop the momentum. They walk in the receding tide, stopping every so often as Jester finds small seashells and a shark’s tooth. Which she proudly hands to Beau. It’s small and jagged and she can’t help but place it in her pocket.

It takes a while to get down the shore line, but neither seem to mind. The sun is drifting lower in the sky when the breeze picks up and brings the scent of frying foods with it. Her stomach growls at the thought of eating and she glances at Jester to see if she has the same reaction. She’s looking out over the ocean, her eyes set on some distant object. Beau stops and she does the same, never lifting her gaze. She feels Jester squeeze her hand tighter, before slowly relaxing it.

Another beat passes, and Jester looks back at her. Maybe it’s a trick of the light but Beau swears she sees the trail of a long fallen tear on her cheek. She turns to fully face her and the emotion passes, replaced by slight confusion.

“Uh, why did we stop?”

“I was, uh, just gonna see”, She considers asking if something was wrong, but it doesn’t seem the time, “You wanna race the rest of the way?”

Jester’s eyes light up, “Oh you’re on”, she starts running, gripping tighter and pulling Beau along.

She regains her footing, easily keeping pace with the tiefling as they sprint along the shore, water and sand kicking up behind them. They barrel through a flock of seagulls, squawking and beating their wings to get away from the dashing pair. They laugh at birds as they settle down a few feet away, feathers ruffled from the commotion. Beau tries to surge ahead, only a hundred or so feet from the wooden steps, but Jester holds her back, sure and steady.

They make it to the steps and sit down, out of breath, a dead tie.

“You know it’s not fair to hold hands during a supposed race?”, Beau asks, standing up.

“Obviously”, Jester accepts her extended hand and gets up as well, “But if I let go you definitely would have won”

“Ah so you admit I would have won, and thus have won this race”, she proclaims proudly, taking the stairs two at a time.

There’s a light shove as Jester laughs, “Nope, you didn’t win, that was my plan all along”

She smiles triumphantly and Beau gently shoulders her as they reach top. It’s much busier now, than when they had come a few months ago. Crowds of people mill around the attractions and food stalls. Families distribute tickets for rides like the tilt-a-whirl and teacups sugared-up children. It feels much more like lively, the lights and sounds filling her senses.

“Okay, so food or rides first?”, the question pulls her back to reality. Her stomach grumbling at the prospect of food.

“Well, are you considering something like the teacups?”, she wants to eat, but knows better than to risk a full stomach and a ride in which you voluntarily go on to get spun. It was like playing with a lighter in a house made of matches.

“I mean we don’t have to if you don’t want to”, Jester trails off, her inflection giving away how badly she did indeed want to go on that specific ride.

“Let’s do rides first then”, she concedes. Jester grins and grabs her hand again, leading her in the direction of the tickets. 

Beau was correct in her assumption about Jester. No sooner are they seated in the ride that Jester grips the wheel and starts their teacup spinning. The floor starts moving and she picks up the speed, Beau trying to keep up. She can’t focus on anything outside of the teacup, the lights strung up between stalls blurring into streaks of color. It’s a little nauseating but she finds Jester’s face, it’s stuck somewhere between laughing at their speed and concentration as she attempts to maintain it. Her heart twinges again and all too soon, the ride is slowing down, their teacup coming to a stop.

It takes a moment to regain her composure, her legs wobbly as she steps off the platform. As soon as she’s through the gate, she’s being tugged to the next ride. The sun sits just over the water as they disembark the last ride. The sky softening into pastel pinks and oranges as the first stars begin to peak out from the approaching night. Beau is grateful for the chance to sit down and eat. Hotdogs, drinks, and an elephant ear between them, they manage to find a more secluded picnic table to sit at. Even nearing night, the boardwalk still bustles with people.

The first bite is delicious, which might be a biased statement considering she hasn’t eaten since lunch, but she’ll take it. Jester sits, picking at her own food, eyes distant again. Beau notices, noting the second time just today that she looks that way. She has to pry, not for herself, but for Jester. For her best friend.

“Hey Jessie”, she gets her attention.

“Hey Beau”, she trails off, making eye contact before looking away, still picking at the elephant ear.

“Do you wanna talk?”, she digs a little, trying so gently to pry just enough.

Jester pulls her hand back and folds them together on the table. The facade is gone.

“I uh” she hesitates, her thumb moving over the other methodically, “I wanted to tell you in person, but it had never seemed like a good time”, she looks up, eyes wet with tears, and tries to speak. The words don’t come and she swallows thickly, tears starting to roll down her cheeks, “Fjord and I broke up”.

There’s a quiet sob as she brings her hands up and presses them to her eyes. Her body shakes as she tries to keep the tears at bay. A flash of hope jolts through Beau and she immediately feels guilty. Who is she to make a chance out of her best friend’s heart break. She pushes down the feeling, buries it deep. She stands up and clears the table to give Jester some room. She sits back down beside Jester, back to the crowds to give her some privacy as she wipes the tears from her eyes, face blotchy.

“You don’t have to answer”, Beau tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, “But do you want to tell me what happened?”

She takes a breath, voice a little steadier, “It wasn’t a fight or anything. We just went out one day, had dinner and”, she pauses looking back down at her hands, “we went to the beach and sat for a while just talking. He said he loved me, but that he just wanted us to be friends.” A hiccup and more tears, “Said he wanted us to be able to grow”. She sobs again, eyes puffy.

She looks at Beau, heart on her sleeve, “Was I stopping him from his dreams?”, the tears falling freely on the chipped paint of the bench, “Was I stunting his growth?”

Beau schooches forward a little bit, placing one hand on Jester’s thigh, the other on her shoulder, a serious look on her face.

“Did you want to stay in the relationship?”

A nod.

“Did you stop him from breaking it off?”

She shakes her head, heart too heavy to talk.

“Then you didn’t stunt him. If this is meant to be, you let him grow”, she moves her hand from her shoulder to her face, wiping away some tears with her thumb, “You’re still friends. You can still help him achieve whatever he wants, and he can still help you”

Jester nods and lowers her head, the words so quiet Beau strains to pick them up over the noisy crowd.

“I thought we would be forever”

Her heart breaks at the sincerity in her voice. She knew Jester had looked at relationships through the rose tinted glasses of romance novels, but it wasn’t until now that she realized how much she truly believed in them. It’s so different from Beau. She doesn’t believe in forever. Things could change in the matter of seconds, and she knew that better than most. 

“In my experience, nothing lasts forever”, it’s a little harsh and Jester flinches a bit at the statement, Beau softens “But, that doesn’t mean what you had wasn’t worthwhile. It’s like those rides”, she motions towards the carnival rides, children screaming and laughing, “You enjoy it while it lasts and when you get off sometimes you don’t go back, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t have fun, that you didn’t make memories. You have a choice when that happens, look for the next ride, or stop riding”. She feels the metaphor getting away from her and stops, looking expectantly at the tiefling.

Jester looks back at her, eyebrow slightly raised.

“A little on the nose?”, she smiles apologetically. 

Jester’s laugh is more of a huff, “Just a bit. It’s just hard”

“I’m not saying it’s not. But you do have a choice”, she extends her hand.

Jester considers it.

“What’s it gonna be?”

She catches Beau’s gaze and slowly takes her hand. Beau links her fingers in Jester’s and gives her a small tug, pulling her in the direction of the end of the boardwalk. Towards the lit up silhouette of the ferris wheel. She follows, Beau helping her into the car. 

The sun barely peeks over the skyline, the last tendrils fading into the dark as they start their ascent into the air. It’s chilly as they reach the top and start coming back down, the breeze from earlier not helping. They make a few more rotations before the wheel slows, starting to let off cars and get new people on. 

Their car makes it near the top when the first firework explodes against the sky, a spray of yellow on black. Another whizz sounds and colors burst, illuminating the beach and boardwalk. Jester leans forward, eyes still a little puffy, and admires the show. The ferris wheel whirs again, bringing them to the top. Several blaze in quick succession, lighting Jester’s smile in a rainbow of colors. It almost feels like a movie. Beau can’t count the number of times that her heart has skipped today, and she doesn’t want to. Right now, she wants nothing more than to bring Jester closer. To kiss her. To kiss her breathless, as if she could remove all of the hurt in her heart with that one gesture. If it were a movie, she would have already pulled her in, the fireworks continuing in the background. Things would work out.

But it’s not a movie. 

And soon enough they’re being lowered to the bottom. Slowly being let down from the ride. Jester hooks her fingers back into Beau’s as they make their way back to her car. It’s quiet on the beach, most of the visitors gone.

“Thank you Beau”

The words seem loud spoken away from the noise. Or maybe Beau is just a little more sensitive than usual. She had almost risked it all, especially after Jester and Fjord had just broken up. She couldn’t afford that, couldn’t even fathom putting Jester through that. She takes their hands and swings them between them.

“Sure thing, and” she pauses, looking for the right words, “I don’t want to underplay your relationship, like it was no big deal. Because it obviously was. But, I just wanted to make sure you knew that you had options”

Jester watches her for a moment, a sad smile on her face.

“I know Beau, and really… Thank you”

They walk in silence. The waves breaking against the shore and pulling back in a rhythmic pattern. A lone gull crying out in the darkness. The stars are bright in the sky, glinting next to a waxing moon. Beau had never been one to confront her own feelings and Jester’s weren’t an exception. She couldn’t guess what she really wanted. But she knew she couldn’t give her up. The fireworks are still being lit behind them, the distant echo as they explode into showers. Jester smiles as a large one goes off and Beau can’t help but smile with her.

“Love you Jessie” 

She squeezes her hand.

“Love you too Beau”

She squeezes back.

-

It’s late at night, or rather too early in the morning when Beau is awoken by a sniffling sound. She looks and finds Nugget fast asleep on a dog bed, when a choked sob breaks the quiet hum of the air conditioning. She slowly gets up from her makeshift bed on the floor and gets under the covers of Jester’s bed. She’s turned, back towards Beau. But that’s alright. She wraps her arms around her middle and holds her through the tears. Jester cries until they’re only hiccups and Beau holds her, rubs her back, until she’s asleep. She buries her head into her shoulder and is soon asleep herself.

-

Beau loads her truck early the next morning with the help of Jester. With Nugget in the front seat, Jester hugs her goodbye and waves her on her way. The miles disappear behind her and a few podcasts later and she’s back at her apartment. Nugget bolts in, immediately flopping onto the sofa. She smiles and starts unloading her bag, something small falling to the floor as she pulls out her dirty clothes.

She bends down and picks up the shark tooth Jester had found and given to her. She sighs. She had done nothing but think the whole way home, even with the meditation podcast she had been playing. She doesn’t want Jester to find someone else, doesn’t want to give up on the hope that maybe they could be something. But she’s not gonna be like that. Like how Jester had thought of herself. She was going to be there for her. She wasn’t going to stunt her growth.

She places the shark tooth on her desk.

She’s not going to be that girl.


	8. but when i look at you (i think this must be it)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pumpkin - The Regrettes
> 
> A half Beau-half Jester chapter in which Beau and Fjord have a talk, and Jester and Beau go berry picking!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rise again!!  
> Please accept this 10,000 word chapter as an offering for not updating on time again! I moved a week and a half ago and got very overwhelmed by everything. School starts next week and it's all a lot. But I will persevere and finish this fic. We have 2 chapters left and it's getting down to the line! I can't believe we've come so far. As always thank you everyone who likes, comments, or just enjoys my writing, I can't believe it half of the time. Stay safe, be good, and remember to love each other.
> 
> PS: If you find errors, don't be afraid to tell me, I look at these so much I feel like I miss a lot, and I don't have a beta... which might be something I look into...

The next day she’s awoken by a paw on her chest and a wet nose pressed against her cheek. She cracks an eye to see Nugget snuggled next to her, fast asleep. His cage door is open as if she hadn’t double checked the locks the night before. She sits up and gives her room a quick once over. Other than some socks pulled out of her dirty laundry hamper, the place doesn’t look any worse for wear. She sighs and pats him on the shoulder.

“I’m glad to see that Jester was right and you are actually housebroken”

He only grunts in response and she slips out of bed to make breakfast. She puts the bread into the toaster and measures out the dog's food for the morning. No sooner than she stands from filling his dish does he appear, as if out of thin air, skidding to a halt next to her. For as large of a body and paws as he has, he definitely can be stealthy when he wants to. She starts a pot of water to boil and gets changed for her morning run. She eats in the silence of the morning, too early for people to be on their way for work. Too early for any sane individual. 

She savors the last of the tea and puts her dishes into the sink, popping her back on the way to the door. Nugget’s harness rests on the floor and she calls him over to hook him up. As good as his recall could be, it wasn’t always a reliable way to get him back. Coupled with the fact that he was neutered yet, Beau wasn’t taking any chances. He stands impatiently waiting for her to open the door and let him out.

It’s still early enough that the chill of night presses into her skin, making it prickle. She let’s Nugget do his business, as she stretches, muscles still tight from the drive. He comes back to her tail wagging and she attaches his leash. She stretches her legs once more and they set off. She mapped out a route around town that would be long enough to tire Nugget out just before they would get back to the apartment. That way she could put him back and be on her way to the gym down the road. 

The street is quiet, a light fog hanging over the trees, catching the rays of the sun as it begins to rise. She passes the mailman as he delivers the morning paper, as well as a few older residents, up early enjoying retirement with a hot cup of coffee. She nods to each of them as she passes by, not wanting to be rude when she had just moved in. She’s more into the center of town now, the breakfast joints just starting to set out their tables and umbrellas. A flower store she hadn’t noticed before is placing out barrels of sunflowers. The bright flowers pull her to a stop and she debates getting some flowers for the new place, when a red-headed woman comes out. She smiles and Beau can’t help but promise to come back later to pick some up.

She turns the next corner, passing by a few more businesses before she sees a familiar figure a couple of blocks away. She really doesn’t want to talk to him right at this moment, but at the same time knows that she needs to talk to him. He is one of her best friends. She stops, as Fjord continues to amble down the sidewalk, duffle bag thrown over his shoulder, oblivious to her inner turmoil, and continues to weigh her options of hiding or talking to him. She doesn’t get much time to decide before Nugget catches his scent. Up until now he had been relatively well mannered, peeing on a fire hydrant, but nothing more. However, as soon as he locks on to Fjord, there’s no stopping him. He lunges into the road, where luckily there is no traffic, and pulls Beau directly to her friend.

Fjord looks up as Nugget, with Beau in tow, barrels towards him. He takes down his headphones and gives her a friendly wave before kneeling to greet the dog. Nugget is more than happy to flop over on to his back for Fjord, who obliges with a belly scratch, before standing to talk to Beau.

“Didn’t expect you, or Nugget to be out this early!”, he puts his hands on his hips, giving the sweaty Beau a once over, “Figured you might sleep in for once”

She brings the hand without the leash in it to the back of her head. When had her undercut gotten so long? The thought is gone as she focuses back on the conversation.

“Uh, yeah, I would’ve liked to sleep in, but I think driving most of yesterday made me a little restless”

Fjord lifts his head an inch, almost imperceptibly, eyebrows lowering to shadow his eyes, “That’s right, it must have slipped my mind that you were going to get him so soon”. There’s a pause, the sentence hanging in the air, waiting for the rest of the words. He shifts, hand coming up to adjust the strap on his shoulder.

Beau can feel the air grow taut as the seconds pass, neither of them wanting to break the tension. Fjord doesn’t seem willing to talk just yet, but she knows him well enough that he wants to. Probably needs to. She’s not sure who else he would go to, other than Jester, but that’s nowhere near the realm of possibilities. Maybe Caleb, but he’s not always the best with emotions. She gives him a moment longer, almost able to visualize the wheels turning in his head as his jaw clenches and relaxes. Let’s him sit in the feeling before she nods at his bag.

“Heading to the gym?”, she arches her eyebrow.

He clears his throat, taken off guard by her question “Oh, yup”.

“Mind if I join you? I was gonna head over there once I finished this run”, She gestures to a panting Nugget laying in the shade a few feet off.

He weighs her offer, feels out the implications of it. It’s open, she’s not here to pressure him into talking. But if he needs to, she’ll be there for him. Besides, she could use a spotter if she wants to do some weights today.

“I’ll take you up on that”, his lip curls slightly, “I’ll see you in what, twenty?”

Beau checks her watch, it might take a little bit of work, but she could do that.

“Great, I’ll see you there”, he raises his hand and continues down the road, the tension in his shoulders loosening just a touch as he gets further away.

Beau watches him leave and clicks her tongue to Nugget, who pulls himself from the ground and stands next to her. She looks down as he looks up. This was definitely not something she wanted to deal with right now, but it might as well happen.

“You ready bud?”

He whines in response, tugging at the end of his lead, and the two take off in the opposite direction, feet pounding against the sidewalk.

-

It’s closer to half an hour when she finally gets to the gym. She had been making good time until Nugget had given up on her five minutes from the house, flopping on the ground and refusing to move. She had tried tugging him along, even going so far as to drag him through the grass, but that would have just taken longer. Her last resort was to pick him up and walk the rest of the way. Which is much harder than it seems with such a lanky young dog, his legs sticking every which way. Hopefully it meant he would behave while she was gone.

The cool air conditioning of the gym hits her accompanied by that mix of sweat and old vinyl gym mats. She checks in and heads over to the treadmills. Fjord is running on one, earbuds in and waves as she approaches. He clicks a few buttons and slows to a fast walk, popping an earbud out to talk to her.

“I’ve got about 5 more minutes or so, you mind waiting?”, he asks, almost apologetic. 

“Yeah, sure thing, I’m gonna head over and start stretching”, he smiles and starts to regain speed, feet loud against the belt machine. The gym is pretty empty considering the time, and the weight room is no exception. There are a few people scattered around the room doing their own thing. She grabs a mat and finds an empty space, as far away as she can get from everyone else. Pulling her headphones on, she turns up her music and pulls up a leg, trying to get her quads to release.

She’s moved up to her shoulders by the time Fjord makes his way over, towel over his neck. He takes a quick swig of water before setting his things down and joining her. They stretch in silence, taking the time to make sure their muscles are warm. She doesn’t mean to, but she can’t help but watch Fjord out of the corner of her eye. He sits next to her on his own mat, one arm bent and the other pulling to elongate his triceps. He switches arms almost mechanically, eyes distant, unfocused. It strikes her then that it’s the same look he had when Jester had told them her idea for spring break. Almost pensive, as if he wants to say something but won’t allow himself to.

“Fjord, you ready?”, she stands and moves towards the weight sets, looking back to see his response.

He glances at her, eyes closer, but still far away, and smiles, his expression softening, “Sure”.

They start off light, working smaller muscles and gradually building to their actual workout. Time feels like molasses, every rep they do seeming to take longer than the last. Beau is sweating by the time they get to the bench, the air in the room straining against the tension. She takes a moment to look at her phone and lets out a dry laugh at the time. For as long as it felt, they’d only really been at it for ten minutes.

Fjord gives her a look, “What’s so funny over there”

“Just thought it would’ve been later, you mind setting me up?”

He only nods and starts placing weights on the bar, she settles in, closing her eyes and exhaling. She looks back and sees Fjord behind her head. She places her hands and waits until Fjord taps her knuckles to start lifting it from the stand. She gets her reps in easily, placing the bar back into place before she can even feel the sweat threaten. Which is actually kind of strange now that she thinks about it. She sits up and looks at the bar and weights, not too surprised to find something off.

“You really think you were gonna trick me with that?”, she laughs, trying to lighten the mood, and motions to the 10 pound plates on either side of the bar, she at least did 25 to start, “Trying to surpass me huh?”

Fjord frowns at her and follows her gaze to the weights. It takes a moment before he laughs, it really isn’t Beau’s best joke and she’s concerned when he turns away to grab more plates. His shoulders hunch and he won’t make eye contact as he comes back and slides them on. He takes his place back behind the bench and Beau’s heart drops.

“Fjord…”

The words are quiet in the general hum of the gym. She doesn’t think he heard her, until he turns, eyes wet as he holds back tears.

“Hey, hey, how about you hit the showers and we go get breakfast”

Fjord opens his mouth as if to argue, but promptly shuts it at the look on Beau’s face. He takes one side of the weights off and replaces them before heading off to the men’s locker room. She waits a moment after taking her own off to wipe the bench down and quickly moves to shower and grab her own things. She’s waiting by the door, mindlessly scrolling through her phone when he returns, hair wet and slicked back.

He looks more in control, but still hesitant. She opens the door and they make their way over to the Leaky Tap. It’s really more of a bar, but after a few drunken nights that lasted until the morning, they had come to enjoy the food more than enough to come back sober. Wessek gives them a short wave as they take a seat, giving them a moment to settle before trundling over to take their orders.

“Same, as always! We’ll get right on it”, he turns, squeezing through the neighboring tables to serve other patrons.

Fjord watches him leave, and Beau waits. She’s not sure when she had gotten so patient, it wasn’t like her. But it seemed important now that he talked first. He knew she had talked to Jester already, probably assumed they had already talked about what happened. 

He exhales before looking at her.

“Look, I never wanted to hurt her-”

“I know”, and she does. She wants him to know too.

He sighs, glancing out of the window, “I got scared. We’ve been together since sophomore year, and I feel like so much has changed since then. We both have grown and I didn’t want either of us to feel trapped…”

He trails off and Beau nods, signalling him to keep going.

“... It wasn’t bad, the relationship, it was great, really. But I think we need some time apart. Some time to figure some things out.”, they lock eyes, “I loved her then, and I love her now, and that’s why I wanted to end it. I love her too much to hold her back.”

Beau’s heart clenches at his words, all too familiar. She swallows thickly, the question hard on her tongue. She wants to ask it, to know, but her heart tries to tug it down, wants to be left oblivious.

“Do you still want to be with her?”

His gaze falls to his napkin, “I do, and if it works out and she does too, then it’s a possibility. But, like I said, I think we need time… I think I need time.”

Beau nods and the conversation slows to halt, both too caught up in their own thoughts. Both of them were broken up about the other, but cared too much to say anything. Her heart seizes again and she can’t keep feeling like this. She loves Jester, as much as Fjord or anyone else, and she vows then to be there for her. As a friend, and nothing more.

-

Molly creates a group chat with her and Yasha the next day, proclaiming that they are going to start having movie nights until fall semester starts up. After some debate, they finally set a day, planning to meet up at Beau’s place, as it has the most room. She’s cleaning up the living room when her phone buzzes with a snapchat from Jester. She opens it only to see the top half of Jester’s head. 

The text reads “Hey Beau, what’s up? How’s Nugget? Is he being good? Are you pooping?”

She can’t help but laugh at the myriad of questions. She takes a video of the nearly spotless living room, pillows and throw blanket in place, and writes a quick response about movie night, how Nugget is, and that she is not in fact pooping right at this moment.

She finishes vacuuming and moves to the kitchen to contend with the pile of dishes when another snapchat comes through. She dries off her hands and opens it. It’s a picture of a canvas, primed a dark blue, bright colors splashed over in what Beau can only assume is the underpainting. It doesn’t have a complete form that she can make out and she asks what exactly it’s supposed to be.

The kitchen is finally clean and Yasha and Molly are on their way with the pizza when Beau finally gets an answer. It comes with a selfie of Jester, face splattered with paint, hair pulled into a messy bun and brush tucked behind an ear. She’s winking at the camera, finger touching her mouth in a shushing motion, the caption reads “It’s a secret (;” and Beau feels her heart stop and then miraculously come back thudding in her chest. She wants to screenshot it, make up some excuse about how silly she looked with clumsy paint streaks on her cheek, and nose, and forehead, but can’t bring herself to do it.

She stares at the photo for a moment longer, startled when the doorbell rings, and Nugget goes skidding to the front door, barking. She locks her phone and places it on the kitchen counter. She gets a hand on Nugget, making him sit, before opening the door. Molly, as always, waltzes in, pizza box in hand, Yasha trails behind him, stopping to give Nugget a pat before sitting on the couch. Beau closes and locks the door, releasing Nugget and praying that he doesn’t decide to go too wild and knock something over.

She enters the kitchen and finds Molly pulling glasses and plates down, already at home in her small place. He turns at the sound of her, a wicked grin on his face.

“So, what’s up, do anything fun today?”, It’s the emphasis on fun that draws Beau’s attention.

She furrows her brow, “Not particularly, mostly cleaning up so you couldn’t make any comments”, she deflects, moving to the fridge and pulls out a few drinks, “why do you ask?”

He grabs a beer and pops off the cap, “Oh no reason really, you just had a look when you answered the door, I was just assuming…” He lets the words hang in the air, one eyebrow quirked.

“Oh, that was nothing, really”, she instinctively reaches to her pocket for her phone, and stops when it’s not there. Her eyes roam the counter and she spots it next to Molly. His eyes follow hers and they both watch as it lights up with a snapchat. Beau closes her eyes and hopes that he doesn’t think anything more of it. She doesn’t know what anyone else in the group knows, and does not want to be the one to break it to them. 

“If you’re sure about that…”, he looks at her a second longer than necessary, almost inviting her to share, almost egging her to say something, before shrugging and grabbing the pizza and plates and moving back to the living room. She pockets her phone and follows him, cups and drinks in hand. She’s not going to think about it.

She sets them down next to the pizza and flops onto the couch by Yasha. Molly is seated one hand holding a slice of pizza, the other shuffling through her small collection of DVD’s. He laughs every so often but keeps rummaging through the basket, a few piled next to him. Until he gets to a very familiar blue and white case. He raises it up, that same shit-eating grin on his face.

“The Notebook? Are you serious?”, he opens the case as if he doesn’t believe it and needs to confirm it’s actually in there, “I knew you were a sap, but I didn’t realize it ran this deep.”

Beau launches a pillow at him that hits him squarely in the back. “Look, Rachel McAdams is hot okay, and besides that it’s actually a pretty good movie.”

“You can’t be serious”, he continues looking through the basket, “Any Nicholas Spa- Romeo and Juliet?”, he holds up the case, his face twists into mock disgust as he turns it to her, “The DiCaprio one! You have to be kidding me”

Beau laughs, “Uh yeah, that’s the best one out of any other adaptation. What do you prefer, the original black and white or something?”

Molly looks incredulous, “I would never, Zeffirelli made the best version of the story, the actors, the costumes, and the music. It captures the very romance and despair of the actual play.”

Beau snorts, and glances at Yasha, who’s been very quiet this whole time, thumbs twiddling in her lap.

“Yasha, which one do you think is better?”

She blinks, confused at the whole ordeal, “I, uh, is that the one with the gnomes? I don’t think I’ve ever seen it”

They both stare at her, brains in overdrive trying to connect her thought process of Romeo and Juliet and gnomes, until it finally clicks and they burst into laughter.

Molly wipes his eyes, “She’s not wrong. Yes, Yasha, there is a version that starred garden gnomes. Do we vote for Romeo and Juliet then? I can bring the best version next time and Yasha can decide which one is better.”

Beau and Yasha share a look, and Yasha nods, “I’m alright with whatever”

He puts away the rest of the DVD’s and puts the disk into the player. Snatching another slice and his beer, he plops next to Beau and promptly throws his feet over her. She throws them off and hits play, sitting back as he moves his legs back into her seat. They fight for the seat until the movie starts, where Yasha gives them the smallest glare and they both settle down, only jabbing each other occasionally.

The movie finishes and the three of them are more than drunk, curled together on her small couch. Molly gets up first, stretching.

“So, Yasha what did you think?”

She looks almost misty eyed, although it’s hard to tell in the dark, “It was beautiful, really, thank you for showing it to me”

“Of course”, a glint forms in his eye, “Now wait until you see the best version, waterworks everytime”

Beau collects the bottles and plates, knocking her shoulder into Yasha, “Don’t listen to him, this is the closest to the actual writing, and the most fun”. She moves to the kitchen, tossing the bottles into the recycling with a loud clunk, “Now Romeo though, what a crock full of shit, falling in love with someone after only seeing them once”, she snorts, turning on the sink to start washing dishes.

“Now I’m not getting into that debate”, Molly shakes his head, jumping to sit on the counter.

Yasha moves next to Beau, towel in hand to start drying, “I don’t know about that… I don’t think it’s that uncommon”

She takes the plate Beau offers her and wipes it down, not paying attention to the skeptical look on her face.

“Really? Why do you say that”, she takes the next plate and starts scrubbing.

Maybe it’s the alcohol, or maybe it’s the way that Beau says it, but for once, Yasha lets her guards down. It’s quiet, but loud enough in the comfortably silent kitchen for everyone to hear, “If it were, then I wouldn’t have been with Zuala”

Beau stops dead, dishes forgotten and looks at Yasha. Molly cocks his head and leans back on the counter, arm propping himself up.

“Zuala?”, she starts rinsing the plate, trying to act as normal as possible. Trying to get usually reticent Yasha to keep talking, without probing too much.

“Yeah, she was my girlfriend”, the ghost of a smile playing across her face, “When I first saw her, I knew she was to be mine, and I hers. We started talking and then dating”, she sets the dish down and looks at Beau, mismatched purple and blue meeting just blue, ‘I knew I wanted to marry her. I got the ring and proposed. We got married in secret, though I’m not sure I should even call it official” 

Her eyes fall to the towel in her hands.

“Her parents didn’t approve, and neither did mine. They found out, and they took her away,” She clenches the towel, as if to squeeze the life out of it, or to hold on for dear life. Beau can’t be sure. “And I was a coward… I ran away”

The kitchen falls silent, the gentle hum of the air conditioning and the refrigerator the only sounds.

“You’re not a coward”, it’s all Beau can think of saying. All she can bring herself to say.

“Maybe”, Yasha says it as if she doesn’t believe it, “I don’t know where she is…”

Again the kitchen is quiet, she lets go of the towel just a bit and Beau hands her the next plate, which she gladly takes and starts drying, turning back into herself.

They finish the dishes and Molly claims the couch, asleep before his head even hits the pillows. Beau offers Yasha her bed but she refuses, insisting she takes the floor. Beau doesn’t argue and pulls out as many blankets as she can to make Yasha comfortable. She gets into bed and stares at the ceiling, too many thoughts in her head. Nugget jumps up and lays next to her.

“Hey Yasha”

There’s shifting in the dark.

“Yeah”

A car passes by, the high beams slanting across the walls of the room.

“Thank you for telling me”

Nugget stretches out and huffs.

“You didn’t deserve that, neither of you did”

The mass on the ground turns over, before sighing, “Thank you Beau”. There’s more shuffling of blankets and then stillness.

Beau rolls over and pulls the covers up higher. She never knew that about Yasha. Never would have fathomed that had happened to her. She can’t imagine what she’s gone through. She dwells on it for a while, her mind eventually returning to herself. She feels guilty for a split second, but the moment to talk more had passed. She didn’t want to pressure Yasha into talking if she didn’t want to. Her mind starts spiralling.

Who was she to think of herself when her friends had things like that in their lives. How they just kept going even after it all. Even Fjord and Jester-

Her mind backpedals.

She hadn’t thought of Jester all night, hadn’t even looked at her phone. She pulls it out, tries to keep her thoughts in check. She clicks the button and there’s no response. Shit. She fumbles under the covers and eventually finds the charger. It feels like an eternity until the little icon pops up and her phone turns on.

She enters her password and finds a few missed messages and many snapchats. The messages are a combination of her work schedule and Fjord asking about when they could hit the gym together again. She can reply to him in the morning. She shuffles through a few other notifications before opening snapchat. Several of them are to their group, including a video of Molly and Beau fighting for the couch that neither had realized Yasha had taken. Even a sneakily taken picture of the two of them doing dishes made it.

She runs out of other things and finally opens Jester’s. She doesn’t know what she was expecting, but it’s a relief to find it just the same as it’s always been. Paintings, silly tourists walking along the beach, seagulls swallowing french fries whole. She sends a reply back and locks her phone. Sleep still doesn’t come. Her mind swirling with thoughts.

Maybe Yasha was right. Maybe Romeo wasn’t full of shit, probably just half full. Her mind keeps returning to Jester, and the night they met, and the snowball fight, and the apple orchard, and watching the Notebook. She feels trapped, but not in a bad way, surrounded by these memories. She laughs to herself, for as many romance movies she’s seen or been forced to watch, she never expected herself to be in such a similar situation. They always made it out to be such a big thing, and maybe it is. She’d do anything she could to make her happy. Maybe Yasha was right. 

-

Jester’s sitting on her bed, nervous, a message sitting waiting to send on her phone. She’s not sure why there’s a weight in her stomach every time she considers hitting the button. She’s sent tons of messages before, asked people to come do things with her hundreds of times. But this is different, and she doesn’t quite know what to call the feeling that’s worming it’s way around her. She takes a deep breath and unlocks her phone, the words staring back up at her. She considers the button before pressing her finger to it. She waits until the little sent message appears before locking her phone, throwing it on her bed, and forgetting about it. She cranks up her radio, an upbeat pop song drowning out her thoughts as she picks up a paintbrush and palette and gets to work.

Jester: Hey Beau, if I were to book you a flight to come here would you? :p

Beau stares at the message, not really sure what to make out from it. She hadn’t seen Jester in nearly a month and a half since picking up Nugget, and it would be a welcome break from the monotony of working most days and seeing Yasha and Molly maybe once a week. But it would really depend on the days she was thinking. She knew Jester had gotten a part time job at a pastry shop and was excited to have some money of her own. She thinks for a moment and taps out a reply before hooking Nugget up to his harness and starting her run.

Beau: I’d be interested? We would need to talk about dates first and see which would work the best. Also I can get one, just let me know what you’re thinking.

She reads the message again, her stomach knotting at the thought of Beau coming to see her again. She’d been so bored by herself, although it was nice to spend time with Mama, she couldn’t be with her 24/7. It was a relief when the bakery hired her, she finally had something to do with some of her free time. She wipes her hands off on her smock and types out a message.

Jester: I could at least pay for some of it? :/

Jester: But! I’m free on the weekends, mostly, but I could probably get out of the shift!

Jester: Would you be able to go in a couple of weeks?

Beau can’t help but smile at the triple text. It was usually annoying to keep hearing her phone go off, but in this case it was endearing. She hadn’t ever really flown before, but there was a first time for everything. She checks her calendar and makes a mental note to see if someone could take her Friday evening shift. She’ll probably get crap shifts for a bit, but it would be worth the break.

Beau: I think I can make that work. Let me call a few people and make sure.

Jester grins at the reply and flops onto her bed. She had so many plans for them, and she was so excited to actually get to do them.

Jester: We can go to this berry farm out in the country! And back to the beach. 

Jester: Oh! And there’s been drive in movies happening too!

Jester: This is going to be so much fun XD

Beau laughs at her enthusiasm. A few texts coming in from a coworker who’s not thrilled to cover her shift, but willing enough to get out of a few of theirs to agree to it. She starts up her laptop and checks out what flights are available for that weekend. She finds the most affordable and books it. She takes a picture and sends it with her next text.

Beau: You better be ready to uphold those plans.

Jester: Oh don’t worry, I am ;)

-

It’s almost midnight when Jester arrives at the airport and parks her little blue bug. She didn’t like driving, and much preferred to be in the passenger's seat, but she would do it if she had to. Especially if it were to pick up someone from the airport to have a weekend adventure. The doors slide open and she’s greeted to the cool interior of the airport. She’d never been on a plan herself, always marveling as they passed overhead, wondering just exactly how they flew. It was a lot of math and physics of course, and she didn’t really have the patience for that. It was more magical to just wonder how they did it.

It’s not packed in the lobby, but more so than she would have thought. It’s a little intimidating, all of the signs and people pointing and moving every way. It takes a moment to find what gate Beau is landing at and which baggage claim it’s connected to. The numbers flash by and she thinks she has an idea of where she’s going. Following the arrows, she eventually gets to the baggage claim area and finds a seat. It’s still another twenty minutes until Beau lands, and then more time until she gets off the plane, but she wanted to be early. Wanted to make sure she was there.

She dozes off for a few minutes before snapping herself awake. She pulls out an emergency candy bar and opens her phone, trying to find something to do. Brick breaker is the first game she tries, but the monotonous movement of the ball almost lulls her to sleep again. She locks her phone and shuffles through her bag until she finds it, a small notebook with a pen tied to it with string.

There’s not a lot of people here, but it’s enough to keep her preoccupied. The sketches are quick, almost caricatures of the few waiting for arrivals. An older gentleman, tweed jacket and matching cap, cane resting against the arm of the chair he’s snoring in. A young tiefling, maybe a few years older than Jester, leaning against the wall, phone plugged into the wall, their tail flicking back and forth in frustration at whatever is on the screen. Two children, twins possibly, up way past their bedtime, intent on getting onto the baggage carousel. Their mother, hair falling out of a messily made bun, attempts to corral them onto a chair, only for one to sneak off as she settles the other.

It’s a strange sense of connectedness they all feel as they wait for their people. The tiefling eventually gives up with their phone and watches as one of the little kids trips in front of them, their eyes softening. They help him up and make sure he’s not worse for wear, whispering something into his ear that makes him giggle before bowing and handing him off to his mother. The other twin is sitting next to the older man, making faces as he snores away. Until one wakes him up, and he turns, bleary eyed, to see her with her tongue out. He blinks a few, times as if in a cartoon, before sticking his own out back at her. She laughs and the two try to outdo each other.

Jester can only smile. Sometimes the world is cruel and unforgiving, but people can be good and kind, regardless. She works quickly, getting base sketches down and trying to memorize the motion, the feeling of each moment. It does the trick and soon enough, the intercom is announcing Beau’s flight. She tucks her notepad and pen away and can’t decide whether to sit or stand. The decision is made when an airplane’s worth of people flood onto the floor and the carousel starts up, bags starting to come around.

She scans the crowd, trying to find Beau within the sea of bodies. It’s difficult, and she never expected this many people to take such a late flight. She stands up, all the way to her tiptoes and thinks she catches sight of a familiar topknot. Wiggling through the crowd she finally sees her, duffle bag thrown over her shoulder as she checks her phone.

“Beau!”

The name is lost in the crowd, but regardless, she looks up. Blue eyes meeting her own, the corners crinkling as she smiles. She slips through the crowd, and it feels like slow motion as she makes her way towards Beau. Then all of the sudden she’s there, throwing her arms around her best friend's neck and wanting to spin her, the press of bodies stopping her. She holds her for a moment, burying her head into her neck as strong, lean arms wrap around her. She pulls back and looks at her, makes sure it’s really her before grabbing her hand, intertwining their fingers and tugging her to the exit.

“C’mon, we’ve got some planning to do!”

Beau only laughs, low and light, and allows herself to be tugged along. It sends butterflies through Jester’s stomach and she smiles, not wanting to forget it.

-

Jester wakes up too early the next morning, the sun barely grazing the horizon when she sits up, still bleary eyed and heavy limbed. She yawns, trying to wake her mind and body up. It doesn’t work too well. She slips out of bed and tries not to wake Beau up. Although sometimes she thinks nothing in the world could disturb her, while other times, a fly in the room would keep her up all night. This morning seems to be the former luckily, as she makes her way to the bathroom and starts the shower. She leaves her hair to air dry and sneaks back into the room and under her covers, hoping to steal a few more minutes before they start their day.

It doesn’t last long, her mind too busy with all of their plans to keep quiet. She sits up and pulls her knees to her chest. Her eyes wander around her room. She had cleaned it yesterday, but was still nervous that she had left something out. She can’t find anything and eventually ends up watching the pile of blankets on the floor as they slowly rise and fall. Jester had offered her the bed last night, but like always, Beau insisted on sleeping on the floor. She has half the mind to pull out a sketchbook and some charcoal, and reaches for the drawer. There’s a shift and she freezes as Beau rolls over facing her. A heartbeat passes and she lets out a sigh. She’s still sound asleep.

She takes out her materials and gets to work. It’s totally normal to want to sketch your best friend when she’s asleep. She looks so much more relaxed, the tension in her face melting away. The slight frown she always seems to carry gone, replaced by slightly parted lips. How she takes her hair out of it’s bun and the way it surrounds her, thick and not quite wavy. Awake, she’s all sharp angles, but asleep, she seems softer, possibly delicate. She’s beautiful and Jester’s told her that multiple times, though maybe she would prefer handsome. Either way it’s an allure that’s hard to capture on paper, but one Jester is determined to achieve.

She works, losing track of time as she maps Beau’s features, the sun rising high in the sky by the time she finishes. She’s debating pulling out her pastels when her subject stretches and cracks open an eye. Jester slyly closes her notebook, and places it on the table. She can put colors in later.

“Gooood morning, Beau”, she drags the syllables out, a grin cracking her face.

Beau puts her hands over her face and drags them down, trying to wake up more. She sits straight up, both eyes closed once more.

“What time’s’it”, her words are slurred as she checks her own phone, not waiting for an answer, “shit, it’s late”, she looks at Jester, eyes still narrowed against the light but more focused, “You should’ve woken m’up”

“No, that’s alright, we have enough time to get everything done! Besides, you’re pretty cute when you sleep”, she stands up from her bed, and moves over to her vanity, putting her back to Beau to hide the flush creeping up her neck. She grabs her hairbrush and fixes her hair, catching Beau’s eye in the reflection. She grins, “Well, we’ll have time if you get ready”.

Beau starts at her voice, scrambling to get up and into the bathroom. Jester laughs into her hand as she grabs her clothes and closes the door. In the meantime, she makes her bed, and is starting to fold the blankets for Beau when she comes back out, fully dressed, hair back up into it’s bun. She silently comes over and helps with the rest of the blankets and then they’re out the door.

Jester starts the car and pulls out of the parking lot, “So what first, lunch, or berry picking?”

Before Beau can say anything, her stomach responds for her, releasing a large grumble at the prospect of food.

Jester laughs at a guilty looking Beau, “Lunch first it is then!”

They stop at a deli on the way and then are outside of the city, windows rolled down to enjoy the breeze. It’s a nice summer day, not too hot, nor too muggy. Here and there, small farms dot the landscape. Mostly fields of corn or soybeans, barely knee high, cover the land. But every so often they pass a field of horses or cows, Jester announcing their presence even though they both notice the large animals ambling through their pastures. It makes Beau smile, everytime, and she would do it as many times as it took to keep her smiling.

Eventually, they make it to a small preserve. Jester grabs the cooler and blanket and leads them into the woods and up a low hill. The top overlooks more fields, these full of sheep. Several picnic tables are scattered around the clearing, but they opt to get closer to the edge, laying the blanket down to sit on it.

She hands Beau her sandwich before pulling out her own. They sit, basket between them, and enjoy the scenery as they eat. Playing little games like yellow car and attempting to count the sheep as they weave around each other.

“Ya know, I really should’ve brought a sketchbook out here”

“You definitely should have”, She doesn’t turn to look at her, too engrossed in trying to find the most yellow cars, “Why didn’t you?”

Jester pauses, unsure herself. She would usually have brought at least a small notebook if they were doing something low key like this. More hectic events, she didn’t bother. But a picnic and berry picking checked all the boxes to bring some art supplies. She kicks a leg out and scuffs her heel in the dirt.

“I don’t know, I guess I just wanted to spend time with yo-”

“Yellow car!”, Beau smiles, eyes lighting up at their competition, “Now we’re nine to eight!”

“No! Oh now you’re on”, and she focuses back on the road, grateful she doesn’t have to continue her thought process.

“Wait”, Beau turns back, thoughtful, “You were saying?”

Jester’s heart drops into her stomach, butterflies fluttering as she thinks about what she was saying. But the moment is gone. Her bravado deserting her.

“Oh, I just figured we’d have too much fun, I wouldn’t want it to get in the way.”

“Fair enough”, she watches the road for another minute before flopping onto her back, heaving a sigh.

Jester takes advantage of her vulnerable position and launches an attack on Beau in retaliation for their last tickle fight. She had barely scraped by, trying to use her strength to her advantage. But, Beau had become wily and kept slipping through her grasp. They determined it was a draw, neither one wanting to admit defeat. Now, Jester wasn’t about to lose. She catches Beau off-guard, the fire reigniting as she scrambles to defend herself. It’s too late, as Jester quickly sits on her hips and pins her to the ground. She deflects an incoming hand and holds it above Beau’s head. She takes the opportunity and tickles relentlessly, until Beau slaps her only free hand on the ground, body trying to relax.

“Give! I give!”, she wipes the tears from her eyes, and fully lays back, trying to catch her breath.

Jester sits up proudly, “Now we’re even”

Beau looks up at her, “For now”, a funny look crosses her face, “Would you mind getting off? We did just kinda eat”

It’s then that Jester realizes the compromising position they’re in, and especially how it would look if someone were to walk by. Her stomach goes fluttery again and even though she’s never really drank, she feels intoxicated, light headed. It’s not a terribly bad feeling she decides after rearranging herself so that her head is laying on Beau’s stomach. She doesn’t get pushed off or told not to so deems it another win. She looks up to the sky, fluffy clouds slowly meandering across the expanse of blue.

“Oh!”, her hand shoots up to point at a long cloud, “That one almost looks like Sprinkle!”

Beau cocks her head and squints, “I guess so… where is Sprinkle anyway”

“He’s in my room somewhere”, Jester responds, “He didn’t really like the cage I got him so he just roams around. He’s probably in my sock drawer asleep”

“Huh”

They fall silent again, watching the clouds as they slowly move, pointing out interesting shapes. A pirate ship, dragons, a turtle. One even looks vaguely phallic and they both notice it at the same time, catching each other’s eye to make sure they’re not imagining it. They devolve into laughter as the same thought passes through their heads. At some point Beau’s hand makes its way to Jester’s hair and starts playing with it. It’s soothing, and Jester decides she could stay like this forever, in the company of her best friend.

-

It’s early afternoon by the time they make it to the berry farm, owned and run by a friendly old man named Jusca, sitting in a rocking chair on his porch. He gives them a quick overview of what berries are in what fields, and assures them that there are signs if they get lost. He even tells them to pick some peaches if they find themselves over near his orchard.

“They get out of hand sometimes, and I can only can so many!”, his grin is missing a few teeth, but is as warm as the sun outside.

They thank him and pick up a couple of baskets, planning on getting a variety of berries. Jusca sits back down and turns his radio up, an old timey song stuttering to life through the scratchy speakers. He calls out to them at the last minute.

“Oh, and be careful of the bees, they like to check out what guests are doing!”

They throw him a thumbs up, not all too sure that he can even see it, but he returns to rocking, hands folded in his lap.   
It isn’t too far to the fields and they’re surprised by how many people are out. Mostly families with small children, berry juice smeared across their faces, hands sticky from squeezing too hard trying to pull them off the plant. They move a decent distance away to give them a little privacy from possibly nosey kids.

Jester picks the strawberries with the most color, deep reds that are probably almost overripe, but she doesn’t mind. Beau looks for the largest berries, too large to eat in one bite. The two laughing as their basket fills with a mishmash of fruit. They move onto raspberries and blackberries next, the two close enough that they mix up unripe blackberries with ripe raspberries. It isn’t until Jester pops one into her mouth and winces at the tartness that they realize that half of the basket is basically a Russian roulette.

They do their best to replace those they know are unripe, but there’s sure to be a few latent ones mixed in. They’ll take their chances though. Next is the blueberry patch, one of Jester’s favorites. She’s practically skipping to the gate, the last empty basket swinging in her hand. Beau follows behind, a grin plastered to her face at Jester’s antics. She just manages to put the two baskets she’s carrying down as Jester swoops in and grabs her hands, spinning her around to the distant sound of the radio, a crackly folk song cutting through. 

Jester hadn’t danced with anyone in a long time, and is overjoyed when Beau doesn’t back down. It’s clumsy at first, the two laughing too hard to keep time with the tempo, but they eventually get it. It’s nothing fancy, but it’s fun and fast, and Beau is surprisingly good once the first steps are out of the way. They finish with a twirl, Beau catching Jester in a dip, eyes locked as their chests rise and fall, quite out of breath. 

Jester’s stomach feels like a roller coaster, gone are the butterflies, replaced by something deeper. She searches Beau’s eyes for something, anything that she could use to define this feeling. Instead she gets lost, a sailor in a sea of stormy blue. She feels like she’s being consumed, her breathing shallow. Again it’s not scary, but it’s… different. She needs some space.

“You know, your eyes kinda remind me of blueberries”, Beau pulls her to her feet as she says it, plucking a blueberry from a nearby bush and holding it up to compare. She sticks her tongue out and closes an eye for good measure, “Yup, they definitely look like blueberries”

Beau laughs, short and sweet, and doesn’t let go of her other hand. Fingers still laced together, they wander through the rows of plants, picking blueberries and eating just as many. They wander as far as the peach trees Jusca had told them about, plucking a few ripe fruits to enjoy later. The sun starts lowering by the time they weigh their baskets and pay. Jester starts the car and begins towards home.

She drives slow, her heart not quite ready to give up the day. Beau seems to be on the same train of thought.

“Is there anything else you wanted to do? You seemed to have a pretty long list before”

“Yeah, there’s a few things, but I think they can wait until tomorrow, or later”, she wanted to go back to the boardwalk and the beach, but they still held too many memories. The other plans needed the whole day to enjoy.

“Okay, you know we don’t have to do anything in particular right?”, the corner of her mouth upturned, “I’m cool just doing nothing”.

Jester doesn’t know how to respond. She’s always been busy, always doing something, especially with her friends. It seems strange to just sit, and maybe talk, doing nothing in particular.

“Um, sure, we can go to the overlook?”, it’s the only place she can think of other than the beach to sit and watch the ocean.

“Whatever you like”, it’s said with such ease, with such sincerity, that Jester cracks for just a moment. It reminds her of when Fjord and her had started dating. The easy way they had talked. She hadn’t realized how strained their relationship had become. She stops the thought there. She’s not going to think about it. Not with Beau around. At least, not right now. For now, she’s going to have fun, and enjoy her company.

They sit at the overlook, watch the tide as it recedes from the shore, sailboats dark silhouettes against the setting sun. Seagulls cry overhead, and it’s peaceful. There’s a couple there as well, and it’s a little awkward, but they make do, snacking on berries and splitting a peach. Soon, the sun is set, the cool ocean breeze chilling their arms and legs, and they’re heading back to the Lavish Chateau. Sleep doesn’t come easy to Jester that night, head too full of thoughts to properly rest. Sprinkle pops out of somewhere and curls into her neck, and she runs a finger down his spine, falling into a light sleep.

-

The next day passes quicker than Jester would have expected it to. Marion had insisted that she eat both breakfast and dinner with them, closing the inn down until 7 that night. They spent the rest of their time driving around and sightseeing. Jester didn’t get out much, and still hadn’t seen many of the landmarks her home was known for. Evening comes and they eat a large dinner, Beau insisting that she couldn’t possibly eat more, but still taking a little at Marion’s persistence. Then, they’re driving to the airport, and Jester is hugging Beau, wishing she could stay for even a minute longer. But she needs to catch her flight, and Jester lets her go. Watches as she walks through the sliding glass doors.

She drives home in silence, not wanting to turn the radio on, and is surprised to find the parking lot empty when she gets home. She checks the time and it’s well past 7, it should be full. She locks her car and opens the door, the interior of the inn a mirror of the lot. She makes her way upstairs and sees her mother’s door cracked open. She peeks in and finds her sitting in her bed, robe on and hair in curlers. She looks over the book she’s reading and smiles, the corner of her eyes crinkling.

“Oh my little sapphire, come here, come here”, she sets the book down, marking the page.

Jester quietly closes the door before padding over to her mama. She sits on the bed and curls into her side, resting her head on her shoulder. She’s warm and smells freshly bathed, a rosy perfume in the air.

“Did your friend make it to the airport alright”, she asks, a hand coming up to rub small circles on Jester’s back.

“Yeah, she did”, it comes out sadder than she wanted it to, the corners of her mouth drooping.

“Well, that’s good, but why do you seem so sad?”, She readjusts herself and pats her lap. Jester immediately moves, resting her head on Marion’s lap. She stares at the ceiling as gentle fingers begin to comb through her hair, working out small knots from the day. It’s as soothing as it was the first time so many years ago now. She closes her eyes, trying to find words that don’t want to be said.

“I don’t know what to do…”, it’s almost a whisper, and she feels like crying, the tears there, but not willing to fall.

“About what darling?”, it’s intentionally vague, and Jester knows she won’t pry too far.

She’s not sure. She has so many feelings fluttering around, making her heart stammer and her throat close, that she can’t sort them out. Marion starts braiding small strands of hair and humming a song Jester’s heard a hundred times before. It’s calming, and her thoughts slow. Deep down she knows, but she’s not sure if she’s ready. Or if she should even say it. She stays silent, hoping that her mama will know.

She moves on to another section of hair, “I do not want to necessarily put words into your mouth, but this look you’ve had. It reminds me of before”, she stops, not wanting to salt still fresh wounds, “But at the same time it’s different. It’s new.” She completes another braid and puts her hands on either side of Jester’s face, catching her gaze. “It means something, and that’s something you need to figure out. A truth you haven’t yet found”.

She taps Jester’s sternum and brushes away her bangs to place a kiss on her forehead.

“She is strong, and smart, and kind, just as much as you are”, a small smile playing on her lips, “I don’t think you could do much better, and that’s coming from me”

She leaves it at that, and Jester lays there, the start of a smile tugging at the corners of her lips at her mother’s words. She feels overwhelmed with what it could all mean, what her mama, what others could have seen between her and Beau. What she had failed to see all of this time, or even ignored. All of the times she couldn’t look away, how her heart felt when she looked at her, the small moments that always seemed tense. Once the idea is in her head, it feels like she can’t get it out. She could love her best friend more, could kiss her. Her heart trips over itself at the thought. She still feels it too early, too fast, but it’s a possibility. A small spark that could become more. 

She doesn’t realize she’s crying until her mama starts gently dabbing at the corners of her eyes. She sits up, eyes still streaming and hugs her tight. Marion rubs small circles into her back again, holding her as if she’d never let her go. But she does, slowly releasing Jester. She swipes her thumb over a few lingering tears and holds their hands together.

“Be safe, be bright, and make me proud”

She kisses Jester’s forehead again and lets her go. Jester smiles and bids her goodnight, gently closing the door before opening her own. She locks the bolt and throws herself onto her bed, narrowly missing a sleeping Sprinkle. She’s giddy at the thoughts swarming her head. What it all means. She reaches for her phone and finds a message waiting for her. Her heart drops at the name, a wave of guilt crashing over her. It’s from Fjord. She closes her phone again. Not ready to face whatever it is he sent.

They had both agreed they could be friends. But now, she felt wrong. Like their relationship hadn’t mattered if she were to move on. Tears prick the corners of her eyes and she stops and takes a deep breath. She remembers what Beau- she always came back to Beau didn’t she? But just because a relationship ended didn’t mean it wasn’t important, that good things couldn’t have come from it. Her heart feels a little lighter. As much as she tried to push them away, her feelings were valid, these feelings right now were valid. She takes a deep breath and opens the text.

It’s a picture of Fjord and Caduceus and a slightly charred pie. Both are wearing kitschy patch aprons.

Fjord: “How’d you think I do for my first time?”

She smiles and types out a reply. Their relationship wasn’t the end of everything, and it wasn’t the end of them. She doesn’t think she couldn’t not be friends with Fjord. It’s a little awkward at first, but eventually texting doesn’t feel so wrong. She’s getting ready for bed when her phone dings twice. She opens it to find a reply from Fjord and a text from Beau. She responds to Fjord, and opens the message from Beau. She had made it home safely and Nugget was more than excited to see her. A picture comes through a second later of Beau pinned to the floor laughing as Nugget licks her face.

Jester: He’s getting so big! I’m glad the flight was okay, and you made it home safe!

Beau: Not sure if I’ll ever get used to flying, but it was worth it to see you for the weekend.

Jester’s heart clenches and she wants to say something right there, but can’t bring herself to do it. Worry creeping through her mind. What if Beau didn’t like her the same way. The thought tugs her down, down, into the dark crevices of her mind. But then another set of texts comes through, a light in the dark.

Beau: I’m really tired, but thank you again for having me, and tell Marion thank you too.

Beau: Night Jess, love you.

Jester: Good night Beau, love you too

The thoughts disappear, as if they had never mattered. They love each other, and that’s a good enough start for Jester.


	9. i gotta go but i wanna stay (just stay)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> California Friends - The Regrettes
> 
> Beau meets someone new and they hold a Halloween Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back a month later and a quarter of the way through my first semester! Thank you for being patient with me, I promise this will be completed within the year! On that note, even with how things are progressing in the campaign itself, I will more than likely still be writing Beaujester. I shipped Pike and Keyleth from the first campaign, trust me, it doesn't have to be canon XD. Also sorry this one is a little short, I didn't want to drag it out more than it needed!
> 
> Although I do really want to write some other ships as well (eyes emoji)
> 
> Any who, thank you for all the comments and hits and everything, I still appreciate every single one of you!! I hope you enjoy this one, cuz we have one more chapter left, and I'm so excited to write it!
> 
> Keep on rocking! :D

“Look, we really need the help, you’ll get food, a shirt, and an opportunity to show off if you really want to”, Veth is on the verge of pleading with her, “Check out the new meat?”

Beau is sitting at the front desk of the library, feet kicked up, a book in her lap. She rolls her eyes, knowing full well that Veth knows her, and can’t shake the feeling that she’s trying to set something up. She hadn’t let the secret slip so far, but she doubts that she would forget it. It didn’t matter, she really doesn’t want to have to lug bags up for freshmen on her last days off before the semester starts up.

“How about, like I said before, no”, she flips the page and tries to ignore the halfling.

Veth quiets for a moment and Beau thinks she’s finally left her alone. But then she pipes up again, her scratchy voice making her squeeze her eyes shut, her hand automatically moving to her temple

“I didn’t want to have to do this, but I guess I have no choice…”, She glances around to make sure the one person in the far corner of the stacks didn’t suddenly appear to eavesdrop, and cups her hand over her mouth, “I’ll get you a bottle of anything you like”

She settles back, arms crossed, a pleased smile on her face as Beau cracks an eye open to give her a dubious look.

“Anything?”

She holds her hands up, “I’m a woman of my word”

Now the offer doesn’t seem so bad. She’d been living off cheap beers and bottom shelf liquor that only Molly could procure and definitely wouldn’t mind something of a little higher quality. Maybe even a nice wine. There’s been a few she’s been wanting to try for quite some time now, a new pinot grigio, or maybe that moscato. It’s really not even a decision by the time she thinks it through.

“Deal”, she holds out her hand, wanting some sort of physical sign of their agreement.

Veth goes to take her hand and then sharply pulls it back, “None of that super expensive shit though, alright? You’re helping move freshmen, not the queen”

“What? No gold flakes?”, Veth shoots her a withering look and Beau laughs, “Alright, alright, I’ll keep it affordable”

She almost regrets the handshake a few days later as she carries up the umpteenth box to the third floor of a dorm. She had been assigned to the older buildings, and they didn’t have an elevator, and absolutely refused to put one in. It really wasn’t conducive to the students, but she wasn’t about to delve into that. By mid morning, she was sweaty and tired and wanted nothing more than to go home, take a cold shower, and sleep. But Veth was keeping tabs on her, and she knows if she flakes early there’s no way she’s getting the vodka she’d asked for.

She sets the box down and wishes the student well, not staying for idle chit chat. Her legs burn down the stairwell, and it’s reminiscent of her year in this dorm. Nothing had changed in it, save for a deep cleaning at the end of the summer semester. The walls were still the same old brick, the carpet well worn. It’s sort of bittersweet, but she’s glad she’s out of it. 

She returns to the canopy that was set up for those working today. Veth was right saying most people didn’t want to help, there’s maybe four RA’s and the RD, and Beau. She gratefully accepts one of the chairs someone offers her, sinking deep into the uncomfortable metal. Soon enough it’s lunch, and then a few more hours and she’s free. Veth had promised the bottle later that night, and she knew exactly what she was going to do the rest of the weekend.

A wave of freshmen all arrive at the same time, the other’s jumping to help. Beau stays back until she’s the only one left. She slouches in her chair even more, hoping that the next person to show up doesn’t see her behind the table. It almost works, until a dark skinned girl looks over, her light hair catching the rays of the sun, a luminescent halo cascading around her face. Golden eyes catch Beau’s and she thinks for a moment that she’s died and gone to heaven in the short time everyone had dispersed.

“Uh, hello? Are you helping move, uh, stuff? I overheard a few people talking about a tent this way with people that could help?”, Her voice is sweet and Beau sits up in her chair and she’s met with a rather short woman, and an even shorter gruff looking man.

“Oh, yeah, I can help you”, she shifts through the papers, “What’s your name and student ID?”

“I’m Reani, or Reanminere, uh last name Ivae’ess, and my ID is 2747576”, She extends a hand to her companion, “And this is Umi, he’s helping me move as well”

“Umagorn, please”, he doesn’t seem pleased to be here, but Reani seems too kind and sincere to turn down. Beau can’t help but agree with him on both counts.

Beau checks off her name, “Nice to meet you both, name’s Beauregard”, she extends her hand and shakes both of theirs, “Looks like you’re in luck! You’re in Mercer Hall, which is exactly one of the dorms where I’m assigned, and where I lived last year, so if you’ve got any questions I can try to help”

She’s not sure why she wants to be so helpful, she hadn’t said more than a few words to any of the other students she had helped move in. Doing the bare minimum that probably edged on being rude when she actually thought about it. She probably wasn’t going to see any of them again, and if she did, she wouldn’t remember them. Maybe it’s that she would remember Reani. Or that she wanted to be remembered.

“Oh thank you! Our car is over this way”, she motions her hand and starts walking, Beau close behind, “You know, I didn’t really want to live in the dorms but Umi thought it would be a good idea to get the lay of the land”

Umagorm huffs behind her, throwing Beau an exasperated look that definitely means it’s for her own good. She stifles a chuckle as Reani keeps talking.

“I went to undergrad up in Uthodorn, which is a huge difference from here, and an even bigger difference from my hometown”, She pulls out a key fob that has more charms hanging off of it than actual keys, and unlocks a small car packed with boxes. “I’m kind of excited to experience somewhere that actually gets all of the seasons!” 

She rambles more about her hometown as she passes out boxes. It should be annoying, but Beau can’t help but be endeared by the short woman setting another small box on top of the larger one in her arms. There’s something about her that seems to draw people in. Maybe it’s the way she just talks about whatever crosses her mind at that moment. Beau’s contemplating this when Reani turns, the sun catching her smile, and the smattering of freckles across her nose and cheeks. Beau’s knees almost buckle at the sight, and she clears her throat.

“Alright, we can make a few trips but it seems like you’re on third floor”, Reani is about to place another box on an already overloaded Umagorn when Beau speaks, “And I think it would be better to make it through this first trip”

She laughs, putting the box back in the car, “Oh, yeah, that’ll definitely be better”, she lifts her own boxes and follows Beau’s lead towards the dorms, “I was just so excited to get everything in and start decorating!”

“You bring a lot of stuff?”, Beau doesn’t want to assume from the car piled high from boxes.

“I guess you could say that, I really wanted it to feel like home so I brought all that I could. So some knick knacks and plants that are in Umi’s car!”

“Some”, Beau realizes as they finish with the boxes in Reani’s car and move on to Umagorn’s SUV, is more than an understatement. She has no idea how so many plants fit into a car, and how they look so good after being hauled and sitting in a warm car for hours. She’s never been able to keep a houseplant alive for more than a couple of weeks. Reani hands her a large pot, the plant bifurcating after about a foot of what looks like trunk, into large sharp looking leaves.

She doesn’t question it as plant after exotic plant gets pulled out of the trunk. Pots of ivy, strange purple leafed bushes, even some large flowers she would never have thought were actually part of a plant and not some abstract painting. Caduceus would love to see these, and probably Yasha too, considering some of the buds and flowers. She seems like she’d fit in with their little group pretty well. 

Beau stops the thought there. She would fit in with them. But there’s something in her that doesn’t want that. At least not yet. She wants to get to know her first, to figure her out before everyone else. It’s a strange thought, but she shrugs it off and finishes helping them move the rest of the plants.

She checks her watch after the last succulent is placed in the windowsill. They have about 15 minutes until lunch, and Beau doesn’t really feel like going down in case another student shows up. She lingers in Reani’s room, helping her and Umagorn move furniture and get things situated. Staying so far as to start rearranging the plants to Reani’s specifications. Umagorn leaves at some point to answer a business call and Beau grabs the chair throwing her leg over and sitting on it backwards.

Reani laughs as she checks on her plants, “You know you don’t have to stay, I think we’ve got it under control now”

Beau cracks a smile, “Yeah, I know.” she watches as Reani gently plucks a few yellow leaves, “But to be honest, I really don’t want to get stuck carrying boxes this close to lunch”

Another laugh, “Fair enough, stay as long as you like then”

Beau takes her up on the offer, the two occupying the room in companionable silence as Reani starts unpacking. There’s almost more knick knacks than plants strewn about the room when Beau finally stands, stretching and popping her back. Reani’s room is cluttered but feels like a home. It’s warmly decorated, and Beau wouldn’t mind spending more time here. But she needs lunch, and wants to show Veth that she hadn’t run off.

“It was a pleasure meeting you, if you ever see me, definitely say hi!”

She’s about to open the door when she feels Reani right behind her. She slowly turns to find her much closer than expected. The shorter woman takes a step back.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I’m not very good at this”, she shuffles back another step and places something in Beau’s hand, “I just wanted to say thank you for helping me move, and for, uh, just being company”

Beau looks at the rose in her hand, and smiles, “I’ll see you around”

Reani squeaks out a goodbye and returns to her plants, face flushed. Beau quietly laughs and leaves the room, making sure to close the door behind her.

The rose is a deep red color and it’s not until she’s in the stairwell does she find the small piece of paper bound to its stem by some twine. She carefully unties it, the paper unfurling. Written in neat cursive is a Reani’s name and a phone number accompanied by a little heart. Beau’s heart twinges for a moment as she pockets the slip of paper. Maybe today wasn’t the worst thing to happen to her. And she still has the alcohol to look forward to.

-

“Something happened, what was it”, Veth is trying to keep up with Beau as she makes her way to the parking lot, “You came back with that look in your eye”

“It was nothing”, the sun is close to setting and she wants nothing more than to be in her apartment getting drunk and watching bad reality TV.

Veth narrows her eyes, “Was it about you know…”

The implication sits between them for a minute, awkward and ungainly as a newborn colt.

“No it wasn’t”, Beau almost snaps, keeping her anger to a simmer instead of a boil, “I thought you were going to be cool about that anyway”

“Cool as a cucumber”, Veth stops to reply, jogging a few steps to catch back up, “Was it someone else then?”

Beau stops replying, their cars now in view. She unlocks her truck and tosses her bag in before holding out her hand to Veth expectantly.

The halfling looks at her and then around to make sure no one is around. She opens the side door of her van and grabs a drawstring bag. She holds it out and quickly draws it back before Beau can snatch it.

“Tell me who it is, and it’s all yours”, she’s trying to be sly.

Beau glares at her, “That wasn’t part of the deal”.

Nonplussed, hands her the drawstring and throws her own things into the back of her car.

Beau gets in and starts her truck, the engine loud as it comes to life. She rolls down the window to Veth leaning against her own car, lost in her own thoughts. Beau taps on the outside of her door to get her attention.

“It’s someone else”, she shifts into reverse, foot still on the break, “And even if it were her, that’s still off the table. Everything’s going to work out”

She let’s off the break and slowly backs up, hoping that what she’s said is true.

-

It’s late and she’s drunk, and the little slip of paper with a number and a heart is looking more and more tempting with every glass she pours. She hadn’t looked at her phone in hours and is more than certain that several messages and snaps are waiting for her. She closes her eyes and grabs her phone, trying not to pay attention to the names that flash across the screen. She was right and there’s at least a dozen notifications, most from the group chat. But her eyes pick up one in particular, one that stares at her like the picture on her lock screen. One that always seems to be in the back of her mind

She pushes it away, opening her phone and tapping in the name and number.

She hesitates just for a moment, before typing out a quick greeting.

Beau: hey

There’s a beat and she thinks it must be too late. But no sooner does she place her phone on the table does it light up, a new message waiting.

Reani: Heyyy

-

The fall semester of Beau’s sophomore year takes off without a hitch. She’s starting to get to know the professors in her program and living off campus has been a blessing. Other than customers at the Invulnerable Vagrant down below, and maybe some rowdy people leaving the bars further into town, it’s very peaceful. She does sort of miss the impromptu parties rooms on her floor would hold, but now she can have people over and not worry about an RA breaking it up.

She’d also been talking to Reani at least once a day. Even adding her on Snapchat after a bit of talking. She had sent several videos of her room once everything was in place. It looked comfortable even with all of the things she had. A little too overcrowded, even compared to Beau’s whirlwind of a bedroom. But, it was endearing, and almost everything had a story attached to it. She didn’t mind listening as Reani rambled about each plant or snowglobe. But their schedules never seemed to line up, projects and exam dates getting in the way of them actually meeting up.

Which wasn’t the worst thing. She still couldn’t get her thoughts in order about anything, and didn’t want to unnecessarily complicate things if she didn’t have to.

Especially when their whole group managed to start meeting up again. It was awkward, she’s not gonna lie. Fjord was the one to break the news to the rest of the group beforehand. One by one they learned about it, and agreed to be cool. But the two kept a strange distance for the first couple of days. Never getting too close to each other when they went to lunch or when Beau had everyone over to her apartment after the first week.

It was getting better, but the tense atmosphere didn’t go unnoticed. Everyone kept sharing quick glances when they were both in the same room. 

The awkwardness also came with a Jester that never seemed to want to leave Beau’s side. 

It wasn’t the worst thing, she mostly worked on sketches while Beau studied, or at least attempted to. A lot of the time it turned into Beau slumped over the back of whatever chair she was in, complaining about how much work this semester was going to be.

It did have its perks however, like today, Jester pretty much invited herself over, claiming that she wanted to bake cookies. The first hour or so had mostly been them playing with Nugget and watching crappy day time TV.

But now they were set up in the kitchen, Beau sitting at the table, laptop out and music playing. Jester is standing at a flour coated counter waiting for the oven to preheat and shaping the cookies into vague dick shapes. It’s not long before the oven is beeping and the tray is being placed inside.

At some point, Beau put her head into her hands and zoned out, her mind wandering. She doesn’t notice her phone light up, but starts as warm arms wrap around her.

She laughs at herself and leans back as Jester bends down and puts her head on her shoulder. She knows it’s only because of what happened, but it’s nice anyway. She closes her eyes and relaxes, letting the worry for the future melt away for just this moment.

She feels Jester lean forward and isn’t quite sure what’s happening until she cracks open an eye to see Jester pulling away. She turns and notices the phone in her hand, a funny look on her face she can’t quite place. It doesn’t last long before it turns into more of a smirk.

“Who’s Reani?”, it’s said almost hesitantly, but with just enough drawl that Beau knows she’s teasing.

She feels her cheeks faintly flush. 

“Oh, uh, just someone I met moving people into the dorm”, it’s the truth, well mostly.

They’re not really a thing. Even if they talk every day, it doesn’t mean anything. Her and Jester talk every day and are nothing more than friends.

“It doesn’t seem like that when she’s sent you five snaps in a row”, It comes out harsher than Jester intended, and she grips the phone tighter, hoping Beau doesn’t notice. 

Beau sighs, “It really isn’t anything, you’d be the first one I’d tell anyway”, another half-truth, she’s not really sure if she would tell Jester first in this case. It feels too soon. “If you give me my phone back, I can show you her instagram, I think that the two of you would get along well”

Jester pauses for a minute, looking at the oven timer before handing Beau her phone back. She takes a seat and doesn’t move.

Beau looks at her, quirking an eyebrow.

“C’mon, get a little closer”, and pats the table next to her.

Jester schooches her chair over, and looks expectantly at the phone, the front page of Instagram open. Beau flips through some of the most recent photos, one of her newly decorated dorm room, a few of her and what almost looks like a wolf, but has to be a dog, and finally some pictures from the holidays. The last pictures have snow on the ground, and large pine trees with string lights in the background. It’s a typical winter shot, and Reani stands in the focus seeming to glow brighter than anything else.

“I mean she is beautiful”, she pauses, trying to focus on anything but the phone in front of her, “She’s got cute freckles”

“Yeah”, Beau breaks her gaze from the photos and tilts her head, the corners of her mouth turning down at Jester’s expression, mind reeling to define it, “but she’s not gonna come between us, you know that?”

Jester nods her head and stands as the oven starts to beep. She retrieves the tray and looks at the cookies, chocolate chips perfectly melted. Beau watches as she stands there and waits for them to cool enough to transfer to a cooling rack. There was a shift when Jester saw Reani’s name, and Beau isn’t sure why. She can only assume that Jester is afraid for their friendship. That she’s scared something similar will happen to them like what happened between her and Fjord.

When she doesn’t seem like she’s going to move, Beau gets up and moves over behind her, wrapping her arms around her waist.

“I promise okay”, Jester’s shoulders tense, and a shudder runs through her body, “I really do think you two would get along well”.

She doesn’t respond, and Beau gives her another squeeze before heading back to her chair. She doesn’t want to push her, doesn’t want to make things awkward. Maybe it’s not even Reani. It could be something totally different that’s just coming to a head now. But Jester will tell her when she’s ready.

Jester grabs a spatula and starts to move the cookies, Beau turning back to her work. When she’s done, she quickly cleans up, wiping down the counter and washing the measuring cups and bowl. 

“I’ve gotta go”, she looks at the oven clock and hangs the mitt back up, “I’ve gotta clean the studio”

Beau looks at her and shifts to see her out, Nugget getting up from his spot under the table. He yawns and whines as Jester moves, and she can’t help but give him a pat before opening the door and giving a quick wave goodbye.

The air is still warm, the breeze only slightly tinged by the coming fall and it burns as it enters Jester’s lungs. Or maybe it’s just the sting of tears that she lets fall down her face once she’s out of Beau’s sight. She pulls up her shirt and tries to wipe them away, but it doesn’t help, and only makes her feel worse.

Of course Beau would still be open to dating someone. It wasn’t like she had dibs on her just because she had these feelings for her, or because she had known her longer. For all she knew, Jester was straight and still getting over Fjord. Only the latter of which was true. She still didn’t know what she wanted to call herself, or if she even wanted to put a label to it. But she knew the butterflies that Beau gave her, and couldn’t deny it any longer.

She rounds the corner to campus and heads to the art studio. She didn’t have to clean it, but it was the first thing that popped into her mind. Besides, it would be empty, and maybe putting on the old record player and blasting music could help clear her head.

The door is unlocked, and like she expected, the lights are off, the canvases guarding the room like shadowy sentinels.

She can’t blame Beau, Reani was attractive, in an innocent sort of way. There was an aura about her that made Jester want to get to know her, to trust her. But she couldn’t have said that. Wouldn’t have said that. She pulls out a new canvas and places it on her easel, her minding still on the pictures. She had panicked a bit and commented on her freckles. The light dusting across her cheeks. Beau had agreed, eyes locked on the pictures.

Her hand moves to her cheeks, and she can’t help but remember when Beau had said her freckles were cute. How she had immediately covered it up with another comment. But Jester didn’t forget the look she had when she said it, the way her eyes had softened and mouth quirked up. She also didn’t forget the way her already flushed skin tried to darken more. How her heart skipped as if it couldn’t believe what she had said.

She can’t forget a lot of what Beau’s said to her, or done for her.

The night she and Fjord had first fought, and she let her stay over. The orchard. All of the study sessions and random adventures she never complained about. How she had been honest about her and Fjord’s relationship, had given her room to process what had happened. How she held her hand that night, unexpectedly soft. How her hugs were always hesitant, but becoming more and more confident.

She really should have seen this coming sooner.

But she didn’t and now Beau was maybe, probably interested in someone else, and she had lost her chance.

She throws a strong first stroke onto the canvas, the paint splattering at the impact. She moves quickly, the base shapes falling into place as she works. She pauses, and wipes the back of her hand against her cheek. Feels the paint as it mingles with fresh tears.

But who said she had?

Beau had promised there wasn’t anything between them. Not yet at least. There was still a chance, no matter how slim, and Jester was going to take it.

-

Fall officially arrives, and with it, cool breezes and falling leaves. There’s a buzz in the air about a coming Halloween party one of the fraternities is holding. Mollymauk, of course, is at the center of it all. He’s not even part of the frat, but they’ve entrusted him with most of the planning and decorating. Honestly, Beau is surprised he’s not an honorary member by now. Especially with how much he helps out with events.

He’s probably mostly in it for the alcohol, but she’s not one to judge.

It’s a few weeks away, and Molly’s trying to convince her to help him decorate the house when she gets a text from Jester.

Jessie: Hey! The drive in is having a double showing of Halloween and Nightmare on Elm Street this weekend, wanna go? 

There’s a small ghost emoji at the end of her question, and Beau grins at the little spector.

It had been a while since Jester and her had done something together. Just the two of them. Most of their time now was spent either with the group, or alone, as midterms drew nearer. But, she had spent enough time studying this week. She deserved a break to watch cheesy horror movies at the drive in with her best friend.

Beau: Sure! We can take the truck, I’ll bring the blankets

Jessie: Perfect! We can sneak in snacks!

There’s more emojis at the end of this sentence. She’s glad to see Jester perking back up since the last time they had gotten together. Things had seemed a little strained between them, but it would work out between them. It always seemed to.

-

The drive in is packed by the time they get settled, blankets, sleeping bag, and pillows all situated in the bed of Beau’s truck. She’s still not over the fact that Jester had somehow managed to sneak several bags of popcorn, candy, and drinks in. Her truck cabin had smelled like a whole concession stand, and still the teen at the ticket booth had handed them their tickets, no questions asked.

She grabs a blanket and a bag of popcorn and leans against the side of her truck.

“So”, she pops a few pieces into her mouth, “You ever see these movies?”

Jester grabs her own blanket and a bag of skittles, careful to quietly open them.

“Nope, neither of them”

Beau sits up, “Seriously? Not even Friday the 13th?”

She knew Jester was sheltered, but had at least hoped she had seen some of the classic horror movies. 

“Well, I did sneak and see part of one, but I was so scared Mama didn’t let me leave for weeks”, she pauses, weighing her next words, “Plus I didn’t have many friends until you guys, and Fjord doesn’t like horror stuff”

His name creates a palpable rift between them. She knows Jester’s still having a hard time with it, and wants to close it as soon as possible.

She snorts, “What a wuss, I’m gonna have to rag on him for that later”

Jester laughs, but it’s not all quite there.

“Oh!”, Beau exclaims, and Jester turns to her, eyebrows furrowed, “We should totally go to a haunted house this year!”

Jester’s eyes go wide at the thought and this time she can’t help the laugh. She cannot imagine Fjord ever agreeing to it, but it might just be the funniest thing she had seen in a long time. Tears prick at the corners of her eyes, and she’s pretty sure they’re not sad.

Beau watches as she dabs at her eyes with the corner of her blanket. The rift between them is almost non-existent now, and it would be so easy to move closer to her. To forget about Reani, forget about Fjord. To close the distance and tell her everything.

But the lights are dimming, the only sign of the sun being distant orange streaks.

She adjusts the hang on radios and settles back.

Another day.

-

Jester doesn’t know how it happened, but one moment she was sitting in a fairly comfortable blanket burrito, watching the movie. The next she was almost in Beau’s lap. She doesn’t remember being scared per se, but she wasn’t expecting the killer to jump out the way he did, and must have physically reacted.

She laughs nervously at Beau’s expression, a mix of confusion, concern, and maybe something else? She doesn’t know, but she does know that Beau had reached for her when she leapt, and still hadn’t let go. Strong arms still wrapped tightly around her.

She snuggles down into her, waiting for the pull back. It never comes, and she takes that as a good sign, letting her body relax again.

She reaches out and takes Beau’s hand, intertwining their fingers.

It would be so easy right now. To tell her how she feels, or even just to kiss her. It hurts a little when she considers the fact that it might not be reciprocated. That she’s alone in her feelings. How close she is to changing the whole course of their friendship. How simple it would be to say a few words about them, about how she wants them to stay like this.

She looks up towards Beau’s face, her focus still on the movie.

But not now.

Maybe another day.

-

The Halloween party is here before they know it and Molly drags everyone to the frat house to decorate hours before it’s supposed to start, promising them first pick of the alcohol. It’s at least relatively clean when they get there, some of the decorations already outside. Beau and Fjord had decided to do a partner costume, Fjord as the captain, and Beau his first mate. She has on calf high boots and a white blouse that’s showing more than enough skin, as well as a deep purple tailcoat she had somehow found at the thrift store after Fjord proposed the idea.

It’s not the most ideal outfit to be hanging streamers in, but it gets the job done.

Caduceus had mushrooms sprouting all over him, and no one was quite sure if they were real or not. They wouldn’t doubt him if they were. Caleb and Veth appeared to be mad scientists, matching lab coats and goggles. But while Veth had chemical stains down the front of her, Caleb looked like something had blown up on him. Dirt and dust covering his face and shoulders, a ring from his goggles protecting his eyes. 

Yasha and Molly were the stereotypical angel and devil. Molly had taken it a step further, his costume also employing fishnet stockings and a liberal use of eyeshadow and lipstick. Yasha in contrast was wearing what she typically wore, save for a set of what looked like child sized angel wings, and a small halo.

And then there was Jester. Beau had asked her if she wanted to be a pirate with her and Fjord, but she had refused, saying she already had a plan. Beau had felt bad, as everyone sort of had a partner thing going on, but Jester had insisted, and now she was at the house, a dark green cloak obscuring the majority of her features.

She pulls back the hood to expose large curly orange hair that hides her horns. It’s elaborate and Beau can’t fault her for not looking good, but she glances at the others and can tell that no one knows what or who she’s supposed to be.

Molly breaks the tension, striding over to Jester, arms thrown wide, “Oh, and who might we have here?”

She smiles brightly, “Well, I’m the Traveler of course!”

She twirls, the dark green cloak lifting and swirling with her movement.

There’s a moment of silence as everyone wracks their brains for any mention of “the Traveler”.

Jester looks at them incredulously, “You guys have seriously never heard of the Traveler, I can’t believe I’ve never said anything about him. He’s amazing!”

Jester continues to talk about him, and by the end of it, Beau isn’t quite sure if he’s a real person or an imaginary friend that Jester had made up. Or even a god. But she goes along with it, complementing Jester on her makeup and cloak, which elicits a small blush she can’t help but notice.

Molly turns the music up and everyone gets to work hanging streamers and getting the house ready. The rest of the frat guys come home just as they finish and Molly herds everyone into the kitchen, reaching into one of the top cabinets for a bottle.

He fishes out enough shot glasses and starts handing them out, offering one to Caduceus, who simply holds up his to go cup of tea. He reaches Jester who takes one and asks if she could fill it with milk. She wasn’t one to drink, but didn’t want to be left out. 

Once everyone is situated, he lifts his glass, the others following suit.

“I just want to thank you all for helping”, He grins, his canines flashing, “Let’s make tonight the best Halloween yet!”

They cheer and down their shots, Caduceus taking a careful sip of his tea. The alcohol burns a winding path to Beau’s stomach and she’s glad for it. The first guests start arriving and they start to disperse, but she hangs back in the kitchen with Molly and Veth.

He gives them a look before sighing, “Fine, but this is the last one, I want to save at least a little bit of it”, he gives them a wink and refills each of their glasses, and his own. They toss them back and Beau coughs this time at the bite.

Veth bids them farewell, probably off to find Caleb, and Molly claps Beau on the shoulder.

“Have fun alright”.

She nods, “You too”, before heading to the backyard.

-

She’s sort of regretting her choice of costume, after several people mistake her for Spectre, or even just a fantasy character. But what takes the cake is some freshman who strolls up to her and asks if she’s one of the guards from the Wizard of Oz. She almost laughs in his face, biting her tongue and walking away before she makes a dumb comment. Who even remembers the specifics of a movie like that?

She gets over it pretty quickly once it hits her that no one recognizes her, and no one cares when she puts her hood up. It’s the perfect disguise, and she hurries to the room they had put their bags and keys in, shifting through until she finds what she’s looking for. A small unassuming bag. She pockets it and rejoins the party. 

The music is loud, and by now almost everyone is drunk. She considers taking a beer for herself before shaking off the thought and getting to work. If she was gonna do this, she needed her head on her shoulders. 

Her first victim is a large guy trying to pass off his varsity jacket as a costume. He’s trashed and an easy target. She sidles up to him and pretends to be dancing, before quickly slipping a small clay dick into his pocket. The thrum of the crowd is easy to get lost in, and she’s looking for her next target before he even notices she was there.

She manages to get a couple more into pockets, narrowly escaping the sweeping gaze of a drow as she stumbles and grazes his arm. Luckily she could play it off as an accident, quickly moving away as if she were inebriated.

It’s fun, but it’s missing something. Or someone.

She hadn’t seen Beau since they had finished hanging decorations, and she knew she would definitely want in on something like this. She also had a few markers in her bag she could grab if anyone were drunk enough to pass out this early.

She makes her way to the kitchen, looking for someone who might know where she is.

-

Beau grabs a cold beer from the cooler before pulling over a lawn chair and watching the first people try out the games. It involves a lot of spinning, stumbling, and apple bobbing. The two guys falling to the ground laughing before they can even finish it. She snorts and finishes the bottle, picking up the baseball bat and twirling it in her hand.

“Let a pro show you how to do it”, she nods to the two leaning on each other as they get up.

She places her forehead on the bat and spins until someone yells for her to run, and she’s off. It’s difficult to get her feet under her at first, and she’s certain she’s about to eat it, when she regains her balance and makes a line for the tubs with ice cold water and apples.

Her face freezes as she dunks it in, the chill in the air not helping as she surfaces for air, apple clenched in her teeth.

A series of cheers goes through the crowd and she’s handed a towel to dry off with. She pats her face, trying to preserve what little make up she had put on and snatches her hat off the ground, pointing it at the two who had tried before her.

“And that’s, how you do it”, she puts the hate back on, grabbing another beer on her way back inside.

-

Molly points her in the direction of the back yard, and Jester nearly skips out there, excited to pull some larger pranks tonight. But when she gets outside, Beau is nowhere to be seen, only a small crowd gathered around the tub with apples is present, and a few people around the cooler. She peeks through the crowd and finds Caduceus face first in the water.

She’s not sure how long he’s been under when he brings his head back up, a small green apple between his teeth. The crowd cheers and she can’t help but yell with them as he smiles and takes a large bite out of the apple.

He catches her eye and grins, bits of apple falling from his lips. The crowd moves as another person takes his place.

“Hey Jester, could I do something for you?”, he swallows and takes another bite of the apple, mushrooms askew on his head.

“Oh, uh yeah,” she pulls her hood back, “Do you know where Beau went? I was told she was out here”.

He chews thoughtfully, “Beau was out here a while ago, headed back inside 5 or 10 minutes ago”

Huh, it was weird Jester couldn’t find her then.

“Okay, thanks Caduceus”

“No problem”, he finishes the apple in one bite, stem and all before waving her off.

-

Beau’s taken up post by the hallway, not really feeling like dancing, and not really feeling like sitting and talking. It’s kinda nice to just observe for a moment. The buzz in her veins makes everything a little more pleasant.

The music is loud, and the room is packed, but she doesn’t miss the short woman dressed like a greek goddess approaching her.

She turns as Reani shuffles over, dressed in a white gown accented with whorls of gold, a golden circlet resting on the top of her head. She raises an eyebrow as she stops next to her, looking at her feet.

“I know I said I wasn’t really good at this before”, she stops and glances up before quickly looking back at the ground, “and I’m sorry we haven’t been able to get together since. I know you said you would try to come see me, but I just wanted to say that you’re really pretty and-”

-

Jester moves back inside, pushing her way through the crowd as they move to the music. She catches sight of Beau on the far wall, talking to someone. She waves excitedly just as the crowd shifts again and she loses sight of her.

-

Beau makes the first move and grabs the back of her neck, drawing her in. Their mouths inches apart.

-

The crowd parts, and Jester sees her again.

-

Beau kisses her, long and deep, and Reani is more than willing.  
-

Jester stops, her heart falling into her stomach, tears already in the corners of her eyes.

-

Beau grins, her eyes just barely flicking up enough to catch a green cloak, wild red hair, and flushed blue skin. Her smile drops.

-

And Jester runs.


	10. i tell you all the time (heaven is a place on earth with you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Video Games - The Young Professionals
> 
> Fjord knuckles the corner of his eye and checks his watch, “I’ve gotta get going, but you need to do one more thing for me”
> 
> She looks at him, not quite sure where it’s going.
> 
> “You gotta promise”
> 
> It’s easier than eating a whole stack of cinnamon pancakes slathered in syrup.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO HELLO!!!! I have now survived through half of a semester! I wanted to get this out last week, however, exams have been kicking my hiney. But, we're here, and I figured tonight would be a good night to post this, to get our minds off of everything happening in the world for a moment, whatever happens, happens. We've got each other.
> 
> This is the last chapter of 'in those eyes of sky and ocean blue (cause i couldn't be with you)'. It feels weird typing those words, but this has been my main thing since March, and that just feels crazy! This is the longest work I've ever done, and I just want to say, THANK YOU THANK YOU to everyone who has read, commented, liked, literally anything. I appreciate you so much more than you'll ever know!!! Keep Rocking Keep Rolling!!
> 
> On that note, I probably will not start something new until December, I gotta get some solid ideas together if I'm gonna get something out this long again. But keep an eye out for short little prompts or anything!!
> 
> Finally, if you wanna keep tabs on me outside of Ao3, my tumblr is Dkmshaboogie, and my twitter handle is tracinglions. Feel free to follow or hit me up there, I'm always open to talking about CR, DND, pretty much anything.
> 
> Okay, I'm done commenting now. One last thank you to everyone, I hope you enjoy the finale!

Jester doesn’t know where she’s going. Doesn’t know if she really even cares where she’s going. The only thought screaming through her head is to get out, to get away from the party. It’s not hard to slip through the shifting crowd and she’s thankful that most of the people are too drunk to notice her or even care as she hurries through them, fat tears rolling down her cheeks. The thought crosses her mind, maybe a little selfishly, that it’s sadly poetic to be crying in a room full of people and not a single person bats an eye.

It’s okay though, she’s used to it.

She’s out the door, and the cool air hits her tear streaked face sending a shiver down her spine. There’s a few people on the front porch smoking that glance her way at the sudden exit. She tucks herself further into her cloak at their look, wrapping the green cloth close to her body. They turn back to their conversation and she starts off down the sidewalk, vaguely hoping that she remembers the way back to campus. The wind is biting, and she figures that walking will warm her up and probably help clear her thoughts.

The first half is quiet, and it’s actually a pretty night despite the chill, the almost full moon hanging high in the sky, illuminating the street in a feathery white light. The stars are pinpricks of lights in a high sheet of empty darkness, that any other night, Jester would rearrange into constellations, both real and imaginary. Theorize that maybe there wasn’t really a difference between the two. Both were thought up words to bring humanity infinitesimally closer to those celestial bodies.

But tonight they look cold and distant. Uncaring thousands of light years away.

It doesn’t matter though. Nothing matters. Nothing except for the fact that her best friend was kissing someone. Nothing except that she hadn’t seen her all night and had found her with the person she had said wouldn’t come between them. Maybe not in the way Beau had said it would. She probably truly believed that nothing would have come of it. Maybe if things were different, nothing would have come of it. But things weren’t different, and Jester can’t get the image out of her head. A snapshot of the two burned into her retinas. 

She could write an essay on the composition of it all, and probably had written something similar in one of her classes if she thought about it hard enough. Like a classic painting, the two frozen in perfect relief, intertwined, oblivious to the observer. The sharp contrast of Beau, all elbows and angles, with the soft roundness of Reani in her arms. Another outside eye would have pinned it to the era of Romanticism, a modern day Hayez. Beau’s hand on the back of Reani’s neck, her own coming to rest on her shoulder. The gentle bend backwards as Beau leaned down, initiating the kiss. 

But it didn’t fit there, not to Jester. Instead it hung somewhere around the Renaissance, tugged more towards the Baroque. Akin to Caravaggio or Rembrandt. The darkness of the room throwing the scene into shadow, illuminated only by the string lights hung up from some previous party. The dynamics of the crowd etching the details of each face into perfect repose while simultaneously blending them into each other. The motion surrounding the focal point, enveloping it in feeling, in the dramatics of the action. The emotion of the gesture. Everything transient.

She tries to forget, to rub out the memory from her eyes with the heels of her palm. But it persists against the twisting lights of the phosphenes, and she can’t stop thinking. Of how Beau’s hand had woven into Reani’s hair, pressed her closer. How Reani had taken a step back, and then met her step for step, her hand braced on her bicep. The two coming together like complementary colors, like two stars colliding. She couldn’t tear her eyes away, had to physically move before she was permanently affixed to the spot. Before the image was ingrained in her grey matter, her synapses firing in a frenzy to memorize it in a sick joke.

To remind her that it wasn’t her. 

That it was never her.

-

Beau can’t get her thoughts together quick enough, the expression on Jester’s face had left her reeling. Something akin to a kicked puppy or maybe someone had kicked a puppy in front of her. She wants to run after her, to make sure she’s okay. But Reani is right next to her, her eyebrow raised at the sudden disconnect.

“Is… everything okay?”, she asks, her eyes searching, “Oh my gods, did I do something wrong?”

Yes, Beau instinctively wants to say, barely hearing the question with the blood thrumming through her ears. Even though it’s her that’s done something wrong. 

“No”, she says instead. It’s really not Reani’s fault, not by a longshot. “I… Uh…”

The words can’t form in her mouth. She doesn’t even know what to say other than she’s pretty sure she’s just fucked up one of the best things in her life. That the little voices in the back of her head were right, and that she shouldn’t have gotten close, should’ve just done what she needed to do and get out. Which is only marginally better than the even smaller voice of her father denouncing her a disgrace to the Lionett name.

Other words tumble out of course. They always do.

“Could we talk about this another time? I kind of have to go”

Reani’s eyebrows knit together now, her lips part and she pauses, redirecting the question formulating in her head.

“Sure, is everything alright?” 

Beau gives her a look that stops further questions. She knows things aren’t alright, but she can’t tell her that. Can’t even say that everything will work out. Instead she trusts her heart, even as it pounds in her chest.

“I really hope so”

Reani gives her hand a gentle squeeze and lets go as Beau takes off like a bottle rocket.

Her first destination is the kitchen where she’s more than certain Molly is posted up at. She needs to find Fjord and he’s her best bet of knowing where in the frat house he is. She turns the corner to the hallway leading there and catches a concerned look from Veth out of the corner of her eye. She almost perceptibly shakes her head before pushing through the swing doors to a fairly full kitchen. Molly is sitting at the kitchen table, cards spread out before him for a small group of drunk students. Yasha stands by his chair looking up curiously as Beau barges in. Molly doesn’t even spare her a glance, instead he focuses on flipping the spread before him. 

She does a quick scan of everyone else and is actually surprised to find Fjord here as well, leaning against the count, nursing a red solo cup and idly watching Molly shuffle the deck. It makes this easier. The less people the better. She sidles over to him and tries to casually copy his pose even though every nerve in her body feels like it’s on fire. He glances her way and takes another sip before placing the cup on the counter.

“And what can I do for my first mate?”, He cocks an eyebrow as he turns to face her, all casual and debonair.

She wants to kick him, and knows full well it’s only the adrenaline talking. It’s her inability to do anything at the present making her impulsive. Instead of the ball of her heel meeting his shin, she plants her feet and ensures the safety of everyone’s exposed tibias.

“I saw Jester in the living room and she looked like she was making a break for the front door”, she lowers her voice, “She didn’t look like she was stopping”

Fjord’s expression darkens and he glances at the group around the table before he places his hand on Beau’s shoulder, steering her towards the door. She can tell he wants to ask what happened, but doesn’t want to yell above the crowd. They’re almost to the foyer when they hear large footsteps and glance back to find Yasha trailing them, a sheepish look on her face.

“Molly told me to tag along to make sure you guys got wherever you were going”, she says simply.

They share a look. Of course Molly had overheard them. Although, it wouldn’t hurt to have Yasha along. She could be rather intimidating, and that might come in handy depending on whatever situation they ran into. She also had a fairly close relationship that seemed to have sprouted out of left field with Jester. Beau knows Jester probably doesn’t want to talk, might not ever want to talk to her again. If that’s the case, it might be good to have Yasha there to diffuse some tension, and to make sure she makes it back safe if she doesn’t want her or Fjord there.

They both nod and continue out the door, stopping quickly to ask the people on the porch if they had seen a blue tiefling in a large green cloak. They had, and they point down the sidewalk in the direction she had left. An inch of tension leaves their shoulders knowing she was at least somewhat headed towards the general vicinity of campus.

They walk quickly, neither Fjord nor Beau wanting to be the first to break the silence. It’s oddly light out, the streetlamps providing only an orange-yellow tint to the sweeping light of the moon. It makes a chill run down Beau’s spine and she’s grateful for Yasha’s presence behind them. But it doesn’t stop the sinking feeling deep in the pit that used to be her stomach.

-

Jester had almost made it back to campus when she took a wrong turn and stumbled upon a small park. It’s roughly rectangular with a pond in the middle, a walking path bordering the water. It's quaint and something draws her to the old playground stuck behind some trees, all shining metal and shadowy wood against the light from the moon. 

The mulch underneath crunches, only marginally disturbed by her light footsteps. She considers the wooden ship, bow pointed to the sky in final defiance as it fails to sink further than halfway into the sand box. It would protect her from the wind, but she doesn’t have it in her to be picking grains of sand from her clothes for the foreseeable future. The metal of the slide and other structures seems cold and uninviting and without thinking, her feet bring her to a rubber seat of the swing set.

It creaks as she lowers herself into the seat, the chains complaining against metal about having to work so late at night. It’s loud without the typical play of kids, and it leaves her a little on edge as she settles in. She stays there a moment, feet barely touching the mulch before she kicks off, the metal squeaking against itself in the classic sound of a swing set. She keeps her arc low, only a foot or two off the ground at her apex. Too afraid of going up and not coming back down, of reaching the sun and crashing and burning. A modern day Icarus.

She swings and lets her legs dangle, letting gravity pull her back to earth, her gradual descent coming to a stop where she started. The tears that had stopped a while ago seemed to be back in full force, and she can’t stop her shoulders from shaking. Wants nothing more than to curl up and disappear. She knows she just needs time. Time to really truly sort out her feelings, to prioritize what matters. The adrenaline has run out, and she’s tired, physically and mentally. Too tired to do those things now. But she can’t seem to bring herself to stand up. To walk the last 10 minutes back home where she can collapse on her bed and not think until tomorrow.

Instead she sits there, swing moving a few inches as she stares at her feet, trying not to wonder exactly where she went wrong.

-

They make it to campus in record time, but haven’t seen a trace of Jester since the party. Beau’s starting to get anxious, her calls aren’t going through and she’s afraid Jester doesn’t have her phone. Fjord and Yasha try as well, both of their calls immediately going to voicemail. They each leave one, just in case she only wants to respond to a specific person.

They had exhausted all of the places she was most likely to be, dividing up to check each culpable building. Each coming up short. It’s nerve wracking and she can’t help but pace along the sidewalk outside of the dorms, Yasha watching her with a clouded expression. Her low voice barely breaks the scuffing of Beau’s boots on concrete.

“There was a park we passed a few streets back”

That stops her in her tracks. Gets her mind working in overdrive. Jester’s phone is most likely dead or off, and if she’s not holed up somewhere on campus or back at the party, they had told Molly to watch out for her, then it’s not half of a bad idea to think she would stop there. Beau looks over at Fjord to gauge his reaction. Their eyes meet and they know they’re on the same wavelength.

He shrugs his shoulders, “It can’t hurt to check”

She nods and looks back at Yasha who simply turns and starts walking back the way they came. It’s not too far to the park, easy enough to wind up at if you took a wrong turn, and Beau’s heart drops when she gives it a cursory glance. It’s empty, the pond in the middle a large mirror reflecting the unoccupied benches and tables with the same disinterest as the moon and stars. Maybe they should have checked the art studio again, scouring every niche she could possibly inhabit.

She’s a moment from a full blown panic attack, the blood pounding through her veins, when she picks up a slow rhythmic creaking, or squeaking. It’s hard to tell from this distance but it definitely sounds like metal against metal. She glances around and sees a slide and jungle gym, and what appears to be the corner of a swingset tucked into the corner of the park behind a few trees.

It could just be the wind, blowing an unoccupied swing into movement. But she’s not taking any chances. She starts off that way, not bothering to tell Fjord or Yasha, who don’t realize she’s moving until she’s almost there.

She stops at the edge of the playground, feet rooted to the earth. Instead of the incorporeal wind, someone sits on a swing, back to her, the gentle creak of the hinge as they slightly kick. She wants to sigh, to exhale all of the worry in her chest and finally take a full breath. But the sight of Jester, small and alone, engulfed in a green cloak, gently swinging makes it catch. Rips at her heart with sharpened nails until it’s just shreds.

Beau works herself up until she’s stepping over the small lip barely containing the mulch. The crunch of her boots stops Jester mid swing. Her own feet catching on the small bits of wood. She turns ever so slightly, enough that Beau catches blue beneath the fluff of orange, and large evergreen cloak. It’s a quick movement, and after she catches sight of her, she turns again, making herself even smaller on the swing.

Beau stops again, even though her heart is pounding, trying to set the pace her feet need to follow.

“Hey Jess”

She lets it hang in the air, heavy with suspense.

There’s a sniff, then a hiccup. The shape of Jester shudders but remains turned away from her.

She takes another step forward and falters as she hears more footsteps behind her. Yasha and Fjord stop at the edge of the grass when they catch sight of her. Beau glances back, eyes wet even though they weren’t just a few seconds ago, and doesn’t move. She feels miles away from everyone. Further even than the stars watching in the sky, light unwavering, indifferent.

Jester stands, and finally faces them. Her face is shadowed by the hood, only the bright orange edges of her wig visible.

“I want to go home”

-

They don’t ask her any questions, and she’s so grateful for it. They simply wait for her to come over and start walking back to her dorm. Fjord and Beau take the lead, letting Yasha and Jester trail behind. She’s glad she’s here. If only Fjord or Beau, or even the both of them had come, she doesn’t think she would have been able to hold it together. Actually, she knows she wouldn’t have been able to hold it together.

But Yasha offers her hand, and Jester can’t do anything but accept it. It’s warm and much softer than she would have expected, and it’s so Yasha. It calms her, grounds her. She leans into the taller woman, and focuses on breathing. On making it back to her dorm. 

Of course her mind continues to wander. When had it ever been quiet? Maybe long before she could remember. When she was just learning to crawl and roll over. Now, walking, her mind tumbles over the fact that they had noticed her leaving. Had gone after her to make sure she was okay. Even if the reason she wasn’t was walking right in front of her, stride for stride.

But they don’t know that. They don’t know all of the feelings that have tumbled in her like stormy sea. Crashing up against her organs with the ferocity of the untamed elements. They don’t know why she ran.

Maybe it really didn’t matter.

It was obvious Beau didn’t like her that way and she needed to stop acting like this was some romance from one of her novels. That she was the protagonist, a princess with fresh and bright eyes, new to the world, and in need of a noble knight. Or even a girl, not looking for her next relationship, but somehow falling into the one that would change her life forever. 

She really needed to stop acting like such a child.

That thought stops her in her tracks. Yasha moves forward a couple of steps, fingers still intertwined. She feels the resistance and pauses. Looking back at Jester with those mismatched eyes that tell everything and nothing.

Jester swallows thickly and tries to even her breathing. She throws her a smile that couldn’t convince a flea to jump, and keeps walking. Yasha matches her stride and holds her hand tighter.

Maybe Fjord was right all along. 

-

They arrive at the dorm, and Jester wordlessly looks between the three of them, her jaw trying to find the right syllables. She stops and eventually gets out a whispered thank you before opening the door and walking inside. Yasha catches the door just as it’s about to close and turns to them.

“I’ll make sure she’s safe tonight”

Before she opens it herself and starts up the few flights to her own dorm.

The door finally closes, too loud in the still night, as it latches into place. Leaving Fjord and Beau alone, their hearts not all in their chests. Beau takes a shuddering breath and slowly releases it, taking the adrenaline coursing through her with it. She raises her eyes to Fjord’s and immediately closes them. Tries to keep her breathing even as he starts walking back towards the frat house.

Her legs follow, unbidden, and her blood runs cold, the alcohol in them congealing. She knows what’s about to happen. Knows exactly what Fjord is about to ask her. Can pinpoint the thoughts whirling through his head as she walks a half-step behind him. Can imagine the anger, or maybe sadness, that’ll tinge his voice if she crumples.

For his part, he gives her a few minutes relief before catching her gaze out of the corner of his eye, head still angled forward.

“What happened?

It’s not accusatory like she had expected, not even fueled by some deep hatred or fear. It’s a simple question that begets a not so simple answer. It stops her in her tracks, hand coming up to rub the tension that won’t seem to leave her forehead.

“I…”, her voice falters, she really doesn’t know what happened, other than Jester had seen her kiss Reani, and the next thing she knows, she’s running through the crowd and Beau felt like she just issued her execution.

“I don’t know”, She breathes out, the air condensing in the cold night.

He doesn’t even look at her. Only runs his hand through his hair and looks down the street.

“Anything? You saw her bolt, was there anything that could’ve set her off?”

His eyes fall on her now, bright yellow and softer than usual. She can’t keep contact when she replies.

“I think she saw me kiss Reani…”

It hangs there, and she doesn’t want to think about the possibilities. Can’t even consider that something like that would come between her and Jester.

“She saw you kiss someone”, his words are slow, methodical as he thinks, “And she ran?”

“Yeah, that’s what I just said”, the heat is rising in her chest, and she wants nothing more than to be home, or drunker than she is currently, or both, “and now she probably hates me”

She strides back towards the party, too many feelings surging through her to keep still.

Fjord stumbles after her, the cogs still turning in his head. 

“What do you mean she hates you?”, they turn another corner and are almost back to the frat house, “Why would she care if you were kissing someone?”

She huffs out a laugh, “That’s the question of the hour Fjord, answer it and I’ll give you a million bucks”, it comes out meaner than she meant it. The sting is obvious in Fjord’s expression. She shouldn’t do that to him, he’s only trying to help. She controls her breathing before continuing, “As for the first question, I… really don’t know. I told her about Reani and told her that if anything happened it wouldn’t come between our friendship. But obviously it is and it has, so I doubt she really likes me right now.”

She feels a hand on her shoulder and pauses. All of the emotions of the past year boiling into her throat like hot vomit.

“I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have gotten close to her”

The words are barely above a whisper, almost lost on the wind as soon as they’re released. She can’t turn to face Fjord, doesn’t want to see him understand the implication of what she just said. But he doesn’t recoil, doesn’t draw back from her as if her words had punched him in the gut. In fact if she had turned, the quirk at the corner of his lips might have put her at ease just enough. But she doesn’t, bracing herself for some rebuke at her hinted attraction at Jester.

“Look, she had every right to hate me after I broke up with her, and, it’s not perfect, but we’re still there for each other”, he squeezes her shoulder, voice lowering, “Whatever it is that’s happening between you two, I know that it’ll work out. You’re too good for each other.”

He stops and glances over to the porch, a familiar pink firbolg sitting on the stairs waiting. He sighs, “Things change, people change. Give her some time to sort out whatever it is, but be there for her”.

He gives her a final pat before rejoining the party, leaving Beau out in the biting cold. It feels like she just ran a marathon, and the thought of drinking more is both abhorrent and the only thing she wants to be doing. She lets out a huff as she mulls over his words, trying not to dig too deep into them but failing. His last request rings in her ears as she follows a moment later: Be there for her.

When hadn’t she.

-

It’s somewhere around a week later when Jester finally leaves her room for more than class or food. Which weren’t exactly the most exciting things. Lectures were about as riveting as ever, especially when many of them focused mainly on old dead dudes with above average painting skills. Leaving her disinterested and apathetic about most of the lessons. Meals, on the other hand, were an entirely different set of feelings.

Their first meal as a group after the party was… tense, to say the least. They had decided to use their guest swipes for those living off campus, namely Beau and Caleb, so that no one would actually have to pay for a meal. Yasha had taken to accompanying her to the dining hall, and it was nice. She never required anything from Jester other than her company. She really could never thank Yasha enough. Especially for staying with her that night.

That meal was no exception, it was the first time she had really seen anyone in a few days, which felt weird in and of itself. But Yasha kept her grounded just through her presence. Especially when Fjord and Beau arrived, and she suddenly forgot how to act. She had wanted to run to her, to both of them really. Apologize for how she had acted, for making them worried. She felt like she had no right to make them come after her like that.

But, Beau was always telling her that her feelings were valid, and she should be able to feel what she needs to feel. That it was okay to be sad, and angry, and every emotion in between.

She couldn’t hold her own words against her… Right?

She doesn’t think so, but she also can’t help but think that she broke something that might not be repairable. They hadn’t talked in close to 3 days, and that was a record. Even as she sits at the table, she makes sure to leave a few people between her and Jester. Her heart stutters and flops in her chest. It probably needed more time to get used to the change in direction.

It was awkward, but over soon enough, as many of them needed to get back to studying or had work to get to. Jester was glad for that, and surprised when Fjord tapped her on the shoulder and asked if she was doing anything that weekend.

“I don’t really have many plans”, she had glanced back to Yasha, who was lingering a reasonable distance away, “why?”

“Well”, He scuffed his boot on the sidewalk, “We just hadn’t spent any time together in a while and I sort of missed it”

Her heart had sunk, she wasn’t quite sure if he was trying to get back with her or genuinely wanted to just talk with her. 

“I was thinking we could go get break-, err, brunch?”, He looks at her, smile lopsided “Yanno as friends”

Of course she accepted, and now she’s outside of a local diner, breakfast smells mingling with burgers and fries. The old-fashioned bell over the door jingles as she pushes it open. She almost feels vulnerable without Yasha around, but it’s only Fjord, and he already has a table and smiles as he waves her down.

It feels so normal, and her heart swells as she slides into the booth across from him. His grin is toothy and she can’t help but smile back.

“Good morning Jester”

“Morning Fjord”

“You have any idea what you want?”, he asks as he scours over the menu, “I haven’t eaten anything yet because I’m still not used to the whole ‘brunch’ thing, and have no clue what to get”

She laughs, “No I just got here, I haven’t even considered the menu yet”

“Oh, right”, he can’t help the chuckle that comes out.

It was so normal, the two of them laughing at nothing. She takes a deep breath and looks through the menu, before deciding on cinnamon roll pancakes and a hot chocolate. The temperature seemed like it was going to keep dropping, and she was more than ready for hot cocoa season, might as well get an early start on it.

They pass the time easily with small talk about classes, the weather, different people also at the diner. It makes her realize how much she missed this time with Fjord. They were just about done with their meal, well Fjord was just about done with his meal, Jester had finished her pancakes a long time ago, and had taken to drawing profanities on the edge of the table, when Fjord cleared his throat. She stopped her doodle and looked at him, a fork poised over a sausage as if it were a fish in a pond he was about to spear.

“Hey Jester?”

She quirks an eyebrow, “Yeaaaaah, Fjord?”

He places the fork on the table, sausage-fish momentarily safe from skewering, and catches her eye. 

“Is everything okay?”

Her blood runs cold. Of course he would’ve figured it out. He knew her better than everyone, or almost everyone at least. She picks up her cup and tips it back, trying to get the last bit of hot chocolate out to give her a little more time. She puts it back on the table with extreme delicacy.

“Yeah, of course, everything’s fine”, it couldn’t have been further from the truth.

He looks at her, those eyes seeming to pierce into her soul.

“Are you sure, you seemed sort of frazzled back at the pa-”

She cuts him off, voice pitching higher, “Yup, I am totally cool. Cool as a cucumber”

He shoots her a disbelieving look and leans back in his seat, taking stock of the other occupants in the diner.

“Your voice just got all funny,” he puts his hands across the table, and she wants nothing more than to take them, “You can tell me anything you know, that never changed”

She goes against instinct and folds her own hands in her lap. When Fjord got on the trail of something, it was hard to get him off of it.

“Yeah, I know. Same goes for you”

Silence falls over them. Fjord takes a sip from his coffee to busy his hands and waits for her to go on. He always did this, always knew how to get whatever was bothering her out in the open. 

“I just needed some fresh air?”, she tries to play it off, but he continues to look at her. That same concerned expression.

She takes a deep breath and cracks, “I just saw something and it made me want to get out, so I did”. It’s hard to get out, cracks forming between every other word.

He sits there, considering the congealing syrup on his plate, “What did you see?”

She always hated when he kept asking questions, never letting things just be. Liked it better when he let things go and gave her a day or two before revisiting it. She opens her mouth to reply and finds it drier than normal, the words stuck in her throat. She gazes at her empty mug and wishes the waitress would appear with a fresh one. But, she’s over serving another table, and not all that concerned with them at the moment.

She swallows, it really couldn’t be that bad to tell him right? They had known each other for years, had dated for half as many as well. But he was also pretty close friends with Beau, and this could go straight back to her. Then she doesn’t even know what would happen. She might not ever want to speak to her again. Which was not something Jester wanted, and something she had decided right then.

Facing the thought of never talking to Beau again, let alone seeing her again, she zips her lips and throws the imaginary key through the window.

Fjord just watches her, his eyebrows furrowing.

“Jester, you can tell me, I swear I won’t tell anyone what you saw”

Lilac meets gold and she considers it.

“Cross your heart and swear on it”, it’s not perfect but it’s something. They had never broken a promise done in this fashion.

“Jester…”

“I don’t say another word if you don’t”

He sheepishly looks around at the patrons again before turning to her, hand over his heart.

“Cross my heart, and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye”, he says it as quickly as possible, not trying to draw attention to himself, “There. are you happy?”

She frowns, “Not really, but you did it so”. She settles back into her seat, as if the red vinyl could save her, “I saw Beau kissing Reani”

He nods as if it’s not quite news to him, or just another thing to consider.

“And that made you want to get out of the house?”

She can feel the heat creeping up her chest, and flushing across her face. This really isn’t a conversation she wants to be having with him right now. Or really ever.

“Yeah”, is all she can get out.

He looks at her, “Jester”, she can barely meet his gaze, “do you have a crush on Beau?”

There it is. The words are out, and she didn’t even say them. Even so, she wishes they could be put back. They were too vulnerable out in the world like that, no matter how true they were. It makes her heart stutter and ache with possibility. As if speaking them gave them hope and wings, against all other outcomes. It makes her sad.

Nevertheless, she’s not going to deny it. She nods her head, eyes averted.

But Fjord just reaches across again, hands extended. She looks at them, rough and calloused, and just as she remembers, and takes them.

“I want you to know that I am absolutely fine with that”, he squeezes her hands slightly, “I would never stop you, especially not from something like this. Besides, how would I tell you about me and Caduceus” 

“Wait, what?” She looks up at that, too stricken to keep her mouth shut.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding.” He grins, “Well, maybe, I’m not really sure. But I know that it doesn’t make what we felt, and still feel about each other any less real, and it doesn’t make anything you might feel for her right now, any different”.

She wants to knock him in the shoulder, but takes to squeezing his hand a little hard. He flinches a little but the smile never leaves his face.

“Talk to her yeah?” He lets go of her hand, “If not for me, then for the group cuz that last dinner was rough”.

Now she can’t help it as she reaches across the table and lands a solid one on his shoulder. He squints a little on impact and only laughs. It’s infectious and she’s laughing too, a few tears rolling down her cheeks that she’s not sure where they came from.

They try to contain it as the waitress brings the checks, but start up almost as soon as she’s gone. He clears his throat a few times, and takes another drink of coffee as Jester wipes the tears away. She feels lighter, and hadn’t been more thankful for her friends until this past week. They really were her world, and she’s not sure what she would have done without them.

Fjord knuckles the corner of his eye and checks his watch, “I’ve gotta get going, but you need to do one more thing for me”

She looks at him, not quite sure where it’s going.

“You gotta promise”

It’s easier than eating a whole stack of cinnamon pancakes slathered in syrup.

-

Beau isn’t avoiding Jester. At least, that’s what she tells herself, when she turns down random hallways, decides on the long way to class, or even jumps into a small cluster of trees just so she isn’t noticed. It does get some weird looks, especially the last one. Luckily, college students were used to weird antics and didn’t question her too much, even if she had done it twice. In one day...

Okay, maybe she was avoiding Jester.

She didn’t necessarily want to. Jester was one of the closest friends she ever had, and she wanted nothing more than to be wrapped in one of her hugs. To forget about everything that had happened. 

But everytime she saw her, even from across campus, her heart did that funny thing that made her want to run, or puke, or maybe both. She knew that Jester wouldn’t hold it against her. But she was so, so scared of that expression painting across Jester’s face again. The way her eyebrows had slightly knitted together, how her mouth was slightly open, as if she were about to say something and forgot halfway. 

How her eyes had looked so betrayed.

Her heart ached every time she saw her. Yearned to be with her, but the adrenaline always kicked in and she started off a different direction.

Call it self preservation, or maybe destruction.

She felt like she was delaying the inevitable. If they never talked about it did it really happen? Gods her philosophy professor would love that. They were still friends since they couldn’t have the conversation of them not being friends. It was childish, but Beau wanted to cling to some stupid little hope. It could be that Jester was avoiding her too. She hadn’t messaged her, or really talked to her, or even sent a silly picture since before the party, and really, Beau couldn’t blame her.

The silence hurt, and Beau considered more than once messaging her. But her pride got in the way, or her own stupidity. It felt too much like her father, explosive and loud, and then suddenly, deathly quiet. But without the explosions. Just quiet. She decided it was definitely the worst of the two.

And she knows Jester’s not her dad, not even in the same category, not even from the same planet, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

It’s been more than a week and she just needs to start accepting that it might be over for them. Her heart, barely beating, sinks deep into her chest, and she needs to walk, to get it pumping again. She harnesses up Nugget and starts off, not quite sure where she’s going.

-

The sun is beginning to lower in the sky when Jester finds herself in Wildemount Park. It’s different in the day, more lively. Children run around the playground, their imaginations taking root in the uneven mulch as they act out scenes in which they star as pirates and astronauts. Couples stroll on the path, hands connecting them like a rope tethering two boats together, as they wander around the pond. There’s an elderly man sitting on the bench next to hers, cane resting next to him, a well used book in his hands. There’s even someone walking a dog across the pond.

A dog that looks an awful lot like Nugget.

She drops her face to her hands, not even wanting to see who the leash enviably leads to. She tries to block out the light, tries to calm her erratic heartbeat. She still doesn’t know how she feels, and she had just gone radio silent. Barely even greeting her on the few occasions they had all gotten dinner together. 

She didn’t know if she felt worse about what she was doing to her best friend, or that Beau hadn’t talked to her either. She was becoming increasingly distant, to the point that Jester was pretty sure she was avoiding her. She had even seen her once take the long way to class instead of walk past Jester. Or at least, that’s what she assumed. 

It was a shitty thing to assume.

Maybe she was all wrong, and it was something else Beau was going through. Something she needed Jester there for. But she was being selfish and ignoring her because of what? Her own unrequited feelings? She shakes her head and wills the tears away. Repeats to herself that she can feel what she needs.

She finally looks up and watches the figure as it round the far corner of the pond, drawing closer to her seat. She’s dressed in a cobalt blue hoodie and joggers, and it makes her heart twinge again. Makes her want to get up and run to her and lay out her heart. To fulfill her promise to Fjord.

She half stands from the bench before flopping back down. Not ready to go off half-cocked. 

Instead, she leans her head back, and stares at the sky. It’s still light out, the sun only barely throwing off pastel colors as it graces the tree line. There’s a few clouds meandering along, white and puffy. She closes her eyes and focuses on them.

“You know, you should do it”

The voice startles her, and she jolts upright, turning to the old man sitting next to her.

“I’m sorry?”

He doesn’t look up from his book, simply adjusts his spectacles and keeps reading.

“You should do whatever it is your contemplating”, he licks a finger and turns the page, “Else you’ll end up like me”

She’s not quite catching what he’s throwing to her, “And that would be?”

“Old”, he laughs, and she can’t find it in her to join him, “and full of what if’s.”

He finally sets the book down and looks over at her, his green eyes seeming to pierce her through.

“It never hurts to try and we really only have one life to do it”, There’s a twinkle in his eye she can’t decipher, something older than either of them, “Besides, if it doesn’t work out, you can come back and sit with me, and we can be what ifs together”.

She doesn’t know why, but there’s something else to him. Something that makes her stand and nod, brain too preoccupied with what she’s about to do to respond. She sets out on the path, going the opposite way of most everyone, until she sees her. She calls out her name, and hesitates, the world seeming to slow as Beau turns to the sound.

-

She wasn’t sure when this conversation would happen. Or even if it would happen. But now Jester is in front of her, and her heart feels like she’ll go into cardiac arrest before the end of whatever is about to happen.

Jester takes a breath and takes the leap, the inescapable promise to Fjord and the advice of the kind man bolstering her.

“Are you being distant to avoid me?”

The words tumble out before she can stop them. Before she can gather them up and swallow them. They’re not at all what she wanted to say, not even close. She’s so, so dumb.

Beau looks at her dumbfounded.

“You’re the one-”, she rubs at her temple, “I didn’t think you wanted to be friends anymore”

It’s Jester’s turn to stare at her now. Beau thought that she was the one who didn’t want to continue their friendship. Of course she did, she couldn’t blame her, she had been really shitty the past week and a half. She parts her lips to respond, but nothing comes out. Of course now she didn’t have words, nothing life changing or even immensely idiotic wanted to spill out now.

It feels like a death sentence to Beau. The silent tolling of a bell as Jester stands there, words failing to come out. She licks her lips and nods, clicking to Nugget as she turns to walk away. If she didn’t want to talk, Beau couldn’t just stand there, her heart torn in two for the girl she loved more than anything. It feels like every emotion is coursing through her body.

Jester’s mind goes to the worst scenario, the one she didn’t want to consider. That Beau had feelings for someone else.

“Is it Reani?”

That stops Beau for a moment. She looks at her feet, the pavement, the small mound of dirt that some kid rode their bike through, leaving chevrons from their tires. She shakes her head and keeps going. Of course it wasn’t Reani.

Something snaps in Jester. She’s tired of this. Tired of the silence, of the subtle moments, things she isn’t always keen on picking up. She wants answers, and by the gods she wants to fulfill her promises. She rushes forward and pulls her back, always the stronger of the two, even if Beau had her at flexibility.

“Who is it then?”, she barely gets the words out, has to pull them from her icy stomach, syllable by syllable. She can feel the tears pricking at the corners of her eyes, hot and wet.

Beau whirls on her, eyes dark and stormy. The deluge barely contained in the shadowy waves of her irises.

“It’s you”, she chokes out, “It’s you, It’s always you, It’s only ever been you Jester”

Her voice cracks on her name, and Jester feels like her lungs have collapsed.

“It’s all you, even at the party, even over the summer, or spring break, or that first day at the library”

It’s painful to get out, the words pulling at her heart as she confesses, as she more than certainly ends their friendship. She pulls the memories up like an anchor. Last fall in the apple orchard, only a few months ago at the drive in. It feels like she thrusts a spear through the heart of it all. Her heart. Jester’s heart.

Jester stands in front of her, hand still clutching hers like a life preserver, and she can’t stop the flood.

“It was never not you. Keg was never you. Hell, even Reani could never be you”, the tears are salty and she doesn’t want to wipe them away.

She tugs her hand from Jester’s grasp, and is thankful there isn’t much resistance.

“I’m sorry…”, she swallows thickly, “You can end it now. I understand if you don’t want to be friends. We don’t have to continue to lie to each other, just tell me so I can move on”

She feels like she’s torn her heart out of her chest, still beating. Exposed it for everything it is, each ventricle, each atria, veins and arteries, all working to love Jester. All beating to do everything she can to make that girl smile, to laugh, and to make room for her sadness, her anger. She would take them all if it meant she was hers.

And Jester just stands there. Her whole world turned upside down as her best friend confesses that she’s always liked her. That it was always her the whole time. That it was always more. She feels like she’s underwater, or behind glass. The world is out of whack, or maybe she’s just seeing it for the first time. Beau turns from her again, ready to walk out. To leave it all behind.

It’s like stepping out of molasses, getting her feet to close the growing gap between them. Raising her leg to jolt after her. It feels like an eternity.

But she grabs her wrist.

“Jess...”

Her heart nearly breaks then, but she knows what she has to do. Knows what she needs to do. Knows what she always wanted to do.

She spins her around, and pulls her close, crashes into her with the force of two stars colliding. Fingers curling into her overgrown undercut as she pulls her down another inch, lips bruising against each other. She makes it quick, doesn’t want to linger too long, to feel the pull back if Beau doesn’t want to reciprocate after all of this. But as soon as they disconnect, she aches to do it again. To pepper her face in kisses, each freckle and mole, her nose and ears.

Beau pulls back, but only a little, eyes closed as she heaves for air. She feels her whole body shudder, lungs trying to pull in enough oxygen to keep her upright. Brain trying not to short circuit. It’s too much. The tears fall from the corners of her eyes, and she brings a hand up tentatively to Jester’s cheek. Presses their foreheads together.

She huffs out a laugh and opens her eyes to lilac irises searching her face.

“You didn’t even let me talk”

Beau’s mouth slides into a dopey grin and she twirls a piece of blue hair between her fingers.

“We can talk later”

She presses forward, Jester meeting her halfway as they kiss again. It feels like ascension. Like heaven on Earth. It’s less sugary than she expected, she notes, but addicting all the same. She doesn’t think she’d ever get bored of it.

Jester can’t help but agree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last thing I promise... keep an eye out I might have an epilogue chapter planned as I have one more song that wasn't quite used ;)


End file.
